Dear Rabbi Brody,
I am reading Women's Wisdom and wanted to share with you an eye-opening experience that I had many years ago at the beginning of my marriage.
I believe that one of the worst things for shalom bayit is a woman's tendency to look at others and think that they are happier than she is.
Before we had children, my husband and I had just started to keep shabbat, as did another fairly newlywed couple of friends of ours. So we used to spend shabbatot together to support each other in our new "growth".
My husband and I were going through a tough time, and seeing how happy this couple was and how right they were for each other was draining me and making my husband look very unfavourable in my eyes. I silently and constantly compared him to the other man and was harbouring feelings of resentment and jealousy: on top of which I had to host them and act as if all was fine.
Towards the end of the shabbat I broke down and told my girlfriend in confidence about our troubles and how I wished we were more like her and her husband, and that I feared for the future of our marriage. Then the men returned for havdala and that was that. After shabbat I told my husband how I wished we had more in common, like our friends, and confided in him that I was not happy.
The very next day my husband got a phone call from the friend we had hosted: He just wanted him to know that they had decided to divorce.
You can imagine our complete shock. Especially mine!! I learned instantly that one can never know what is really happening with others, and never ever to compare my relationship ever again, no matter what.
The yetzer hara tries to trick us into dissatisfaction with our spouses by having us compare them to others. This story proves how superficial this temptation is, not to mention the very "in" and dangerous practice of closely socialising with other couples....this of course leaves a wide-open entrance for the yetzer to join in!
I thought this was important to share - like I've heard you say several times, people should stop fantasizing about others. Their grass is definitely not greener. Regards, BL from the USA
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