http://www.ohelfamily.org/?q=mental_health/marital-conflict
Marital Conflict
Even in the best of marriages, conflicts will arise. In a healthy marriage, conflict is dealt with open, honest communication, speaking in “feeling language” or “I” messages, and healthy doses of compromise and collaboration.
In high conflict marriages, couples will have difficulty discussing and resolving differences. The most common areas of discord in high conflict marriages are handling finances, child rearing, sex, values, and relationships with friends, family or in-laws. They may also display difficulty in the sharing of household responsibilities and in tolerating their spouse’s “irritating habits”. At times, one or both members of the couple have bad habits that should be addressed and changed, but instead are not dealt with by the person and thus perpetuated. Couples may romanticize marriage and have unrealistic expectations of what constitutes a healthy marriage. Finally, perhaps the most significant issue that impacts on all the conflicts listed above is poor or negative communication. Indeed, researcher John Gottman and his team have been able to predict with a very high degree of certainty which newlywed couples will later divorce based on observing their communication dynamics.
Couples who cannot discuss or manage their differences will often display behaviors that are clearly hostile, including arguing, put downs, name calling, or physical violence. Or they will emotionally withdraw from one another by spending less and less time together, or by throwing themselves into work or extra-marital affairs. Significant marital discord can have a huge negative impact on developing children. Children may be terrified at the thought of their parents breaking up. Parents will often forget that the intensity of their conflict has a direct bearing on the emotional well-being of their children.
Is Your Marriage in a Rut? Questions each partner should ask themselvesCan your spouse never do anything right?
Does everything lead to an argument?
Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?
Would you rather be anywhere than with your spouse?
Have you lost interest in talking to your spouse?
Do you avoid sexual or emotional intimacy with your spouse?
Are you having an affair or thinking about having an affair?
Do you often think of divorce?
Answering yes to any of these questions may indicate that your marriage is in trouble.
Making Your Marriage WorkStaying stuck in an unhappy marriage should not be an option for married couples. Some couples will often stay in an unhappy marriage until the resentment builds and they feel they have no choice but to divorce. They don’t voice their unhappiness or difficulties, hoping that their problems will be somehow magically solved. Then there are the “problems solvers”; couples who will really work hard to try to get their marriage to work.
Often what these couples both have in common is that they rarely go for marital counseling. Maintaining a healthy marriage, solving problems and truly enjoying the other as a partner requires strong relationship skills. These skills can often be attained via couples treatment. Marital counseling sessions can help the couple learn specific skills that will aid them in better communication, better problem solving and better conflict resolution. Marital counseling can address the 3 C’s of marriage: Communication, Compromise, and Conflict Resolution.
Some examples of skills that can be achieved via Marital Counseling include: learning how to state your feelings and needs clearly and openly without resentment or anger
healthy and positive communication wherein one learns to listen and process what their partner is saying
healthy conflict resolution
learning to be assertive without being offensive
processing unresolved issues from the past that consciously or unconsciously may be affecting the present state of the relationship
gaining a deeper and better understanding of your spouse and yourself
Getting the Help You NeedAs with all mental health treatment, marital counseling should be done by a licensed mental health professional who has specific training in marital and family dynamics and treatment.
At OHEL we can help.If you and your spouse are experiencing marital conflict and tension, one of our licensed mental health professionals can help. At OHEL, we have highly competent mental health professionals who specialize in marriage and family treatment. We can help your marriage return to a loving and healthy state, a benefit that will impact both you and your children!
Remember, at OHEL, we are only a phone call or a click away from your road to recovery.
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