Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Man's Guide by Emuna Braverman

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Man's Guide

Presumably everyone wants to keep the spark alive in their marriage. Some people may believe it's not possible. Some people may have given up. Some people may just not know how. But everyone wants it.

So what's a well-meaning husband to do? The answer is not to whisk your wife away to a private island for a romantic weekend (although that couldn't hurt). The answer is not to follow the dictates of the advertising industry and drape her in diamonds (although that couldn't hurt either).

The answer lies in small daily actions and interactions that say "I care," "You matter to me," "Your needs and goals and important to me."

There is definitely a place for romantic gestures -- flowers, dinner out, a walk along the beach (the latter having the advantage of being both romantic and free!). But the spark is really kept alive through the ins and outs of your everyday relationship -- through easing your wife's burden, by not taking her for granted, by letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.

The spark is kept alive by easing your wife's burden and letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.

We may mistakenly think that with a houseful of kids, with carpools to drive and mortgages to pay, there is no room for sparks. But this is, fortunately, not true.

While it is true that there is no room for the spoony daydreaming of the newly infatuated (and even they usually have to spend some time working so they can pay the rent!), that is not the only evidence of sparks.

The excitement in a relationship is kept alive through caring about one another, through being interested in one another and through the actions that show it.

When a tired husband takes the time to listen to the details of his wife's day (number of diapers changed and all), the sparks are rekindled. When he patiently describes his own day just because she wants to know (and even though he'd rather forget about it), the flame is kept burning. When he takes out the garbage because it bothers her, when he watches the kids and says, "You go rest" or better yet, "You go shopping," the embers continue to glow.

Every expression of love and caring keeps the sparks alive. None are too trivial to hold back from saying, and don't be stingy with them. Every time you tell your wife you love her, the flame of your marriage burns brighter.

We get confused; we think we need a Hollywood set, designer gowns and sparkling conversation. We look for the perfect setting, the cloudless sky, the moonlit evening.

But believe it or not, sparks can be kindled in the chaos of your family room -- in the shared pleasure of your family (even sometimes in the shared frustration), in the shared sense of goals, in the shared creation.

The fire sizzles every time a man tells his wife how much he appreciates who she is, what she has done, and yes, how attractive she is to him. Don't think your wife doesn't need hear that; everyone does. No matter how "spiritual" she is.

Jewelry is beautiful but these grand gestures can only occur on rare and special occasions (which, in this economy, seem to be even rarer and more special!). But daily life offers plenty of opportunities to keep your marriage vibrant, opportunities that don't take a lot of time but may involve the effort of refocusing, of stepping outside our owns needs and desires, of ignoring everyone and everything else that clamors for your attention.

Start with the simple gestures. Every morning, every afternoon, stop what you're doing (yes, your job can wait a few minutes; no you won't lose that deal!), call your wife and say "I love you," "Thank you for everything you do for me." I promise you, the sparks will stay alive.

Goal Orientation

Goal Orientation

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Woman's Guide

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Woman's Guide

"How can I possibly keep the spark alive?" you ask. "The house is a mess, there are three kids pulling on my dress, spaghetti sauce is boiling over and I don't know how we're going to pay the electric bill. Who has time to even think about sparks?"

This common attitude evinces two serious mistakes:

1) that it's okay to ignore the need for sparks

2) that it takes significant time to generate them and keep them alive.

Of course there's no time if creating sparks involves a major effort. But it doesn't need to. It begins with not despairing, with not being resigned to a "spark-less" existence. And with being realistic about how to create them.

If you have young children (in fact, if you have any children at all living at home!) you probably won't be able to serve elaborate candlelit dinners, but that doesn't mean you can't prepare a nice meal. That doesn't mean you can't cook your husband's favorite foods. It's not either candlelight or macaroni and cheese. Although a simple act, cooking what your husband likes says "I care." It says "Your needs matter to me."

If you care about him, you care about what he does.

Being interested in your husband's day at work can also help keep your marriage vibrant. Maybe you tend to go glassy-eyed hearing about his job. Snap out of it. Sit up straighter. If you care about him, you care about what he does. I remember a number of years ago, I tried to organize a social activity for a group of wives whose husbands all worked for the same institution. When I called one woman to ask her to attend, she was very dismissive. "Why should I come? That's my husband's job. It has nothing to do with me." I beg to differ.

After a long day -- at home or elsewhere -- everyone likes to get into their most comfortable clothes. But let me make this clear: ratty old sweat suits do NOT help keep the spark alive. Our husbands deserve that we devote at least the same attention (actually more) to our appearance that we do when we join our girlfriends for lunch or another couple for dinner. While a complete change of clothes may not always be possible or practical (especially if we are cooking that nice dinner and we have infants wailing for attention in the background), straightening your hair and freshening your lipstick is.

These small actions say "I'm excited to have you home." "I've been looking forward to seeing you."

And just as we enjoy receiving compliments (see A Man's Guide), so do our husbands. They need to know how proud we are of how hard they work, of how responsible they are, of how they make time to learn and grow, of their commitment to us and the children.

While there is clearly room for romantic evenings in every marriage -- I certainly don't want to discourage that -- we shouldn't feel that we have to wait for those rare moments to work on keeping our marriage alive. Or that there aren't many varied ways of keeping the flame burning. Each couple has to find their unique road.

It doesn't have to take a lot of effort. It doesn't have to take a lot of time. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. It just has to be consistent and regular. We can't let the demands of our daily existence overwhelm us to the point where we forget to connect with our husbands. That's the real secret to keeping the spark alive -- making our relationship with our husbands our number one priority.

Ben Affleck on Marriage by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

http://www.aish.com/f/m/Ben-Affleck-on-Marriage.html
Ben Affleck’s speech accepting Best Picture at the Oscars has got twitter tongues wagging. Thanking his wife, Jennifer Garner, he spoke about his marriage. Here’s the part that got people going:

“It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with.”

The camera panned to his wife’s face; she smiled as her eyes filled with tears.

Then the criticism rolled in.

Many felt his thanks was a faux pas, a revelation that this marriage is on the rocks. Some felt that he had insulted his wife by suggesting that marriage was hard. “Am I the only one who thinks Ben Affleck’s in trouble at home for telling the world his marriage is a lot of work?” went one popular tweet. You were even able to vote: did Ben sleep on the couch or in the bedroom?

We want to believe in the fairytale marriage, the perfect, flawless movie star romance. If you have the fame and fortune, obviously you have the ‘happily ever after’ too. Admitting to working on a marriage is just not a romantic way of expressing one’s love. It shatters our idea of fabulous Hollywood living.

Work equals sweat and we shouldn’t have to sweat in a good marriage. It should be automatic.

Anyone who believes that to be true does not really understand what marriage is all about.

There are no perfect marriages that just happen. There are no storybook endings with husbands and wives who just live each day in absolute bliss. Husbands and wives struggle together. They face challenges, some larger than life and some that may seem so simple and small but somehow grow big – like when it becomes too arduous to give a warm smile. We are simply not in the mood but we must dig deep and be kind.

No matter how rich, how beautiful, how successful, couples need to work together for their marriage to endure.

The myth is that only couples with awful marriages need to work on their marriage. But Affleck touched on something genuine here. No matter who you are, no matter how rich, how beautiful, how successful, how powerful, couples need to work together for their marriage to endure. This becomes a lifelong labor of love, not a lifetime sentence of painful labor.

Even the best marriages take hard work. When a couple tells me that they are newly engaged and so ‘in love’, I know that they have not yet really experienced true love. True love grows from those moments through the years where we learn to put aside our differences and seek peace. We strain as we attempt to forgive. Dark nights can seem endless. We climb mountains together. We stumble. We face difficult vistas we never dreamed of. There are incredible moments of joy and there are painful moments of sorrow. We journey through it all together and find that our love has grown stronger than we could have ever imagined. It requires constant effort, but at the end of the day we discover that we care for this person like no other. Ben Affleck’s speech was the sign of a good marriage.

And the work never stops. There is no age where we can say we can now just coast along. The Torah teaches us that when God revealed to Abraham that he and Sarah would have a son in their old age, He endeavored to protect their shalom bayit, their marital peace, and did not repeat to him that Sarah had said ‘my husband is old’. The message is that peace in our homes is our most valuable asset and can never be taken for granted. Not even in the home of Abraham and Sarah; not even at the age of 90 and 100.

How can we work on our marriage and help it grow stronger through the years?

1. KEEP UPDATED

We believe that we know our spouse and that we are the same person we were when we walked down the aisle. We are not. Life happens. We need to keep updated on our spouse’s emotions. Don’t get stuck believing that there is nothing new to learn about your spouse. Share your thoughts, your disappointments, and your goals. Ask about feelings, likes and dislikes. Envision life together. Dare to dream. Don’t assume that you know it all. You don’t want to wake up one day and realize that you have no idea who your spouse is.

2. MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR PRIORITY

We get caught up in our jobs, our children, our friends, even our days at the gym. We do not realize that the one person we are neglecting most is our spouse. It’s important to set time aside together and not just in times of crises. Establish your own traditions like a daily chat over a cup of coffee, nighttime snack or a weekly ‘walk and talk’. This time together must be your own, without distractions from iPhones or the kids. If you feel that there is someone who is undermining your relationship, you need to seek good solutions together and not allow this interference to dissolve your bond.

3. SHOW RESPECT

Respect builds strong marriages. Every husband and wife requires the respect of their spouse to feel appreciated and loved. Respect means that I do not badmouth my spouse to my children, friends or relatives. I don’t react with sarcasm, rolling eyes or ridicule when my spouse expresses thoughts or emotions. I avoid personal attacks and put downs when we disagree. I create an environment that feels safe. There is trust between us. Intimacy flourishes as both husband and wife feel free to share ideas and know that we are here for each other no matter what.

4. DO SMALL ACTS OF DAILY KINDNESS

‘Ahava’, the Hebrew word for ‘love’, comes from the word ‘hav’ which means to give. Love grows when I invest in my relationship by giving. We forget that one little gesture shows our spouse that we do not take them for granted. It is our way of saying daily ‘I love you and appreciate you. You are important to me’. A recent study found that small acts of kindness boost marital satisfaction and that people who put their spouse’s needs first felt happier themselves. Do not let a day go by without doing something nice for your spouse. It does not have to be big or expensive. A text expressing appreciation, preparing a favorite snack, warming up the car, taking over childcare when it is not expected-ask yourself how you can create a loving atmosphere in your home. You will find that your bond grows stronger with time.

5. BE POSITIVE

It can be a strain to always hear the downside. Everything does not have to be about financial obligations, problems with the kids, and the awful state of the job market today. Recognize your blessings and express them. When times are tense, don’t allow yourself to fall into a pattern of blaming and complaining. Lose the critical eye and focus on the positive. If you find that this goes against your nature, know that you have work to do so that you do not grow bitter and moody. Stop yourself from voicing constant criticism. Look for the good in people and situations. Don’t forget to laugh together. A relationship that is positive focuses on faith, hope, and the belief that we will share our tomorrows together with joy. We will get through things and endure together. Our love is strong.

When we work on our marriages and give of ourselves without expectations, we discover love and understanding. We tap into a joy that sustains us and remains with us forever.

This is the real ‘happily ever after’.

http://www.ohelfamily.org/?q=mental_health/marital-conflict

Marital Conflict

Even in the best of marriages, conflicts will arise. In a healthy marriage, conflict is dealt with open, honest communication, speaking in “feeling language” or “I” messages, and healthy doses of compromise and collaboration.  

In high conflict marriages, couples will have difficulty discussing and resolving differences. The most common areas of discord in high conflict marriages are handling finances, child rearing, sex, values, and relationships with friends, family or in-laws.  They may also display difficulty in the sharing of household responsibilities and in tolerating their spouse’s “irritating habits”.  At times, one or both members of the couple have bad habits that should be addressed and changed, but instead are not dealt with by the person and thus perpetuated.  Couples may romanticize marriage and have unrealistic expectations of what constitutes a healthy marriage.  Finally, perhaps the most significant issue that impacts on all the conflicts listed above is poor or negative communication.  Indeed, researcher John Gottman and his team have been able to predict with a very high degree of certainty which newlywed couples will later divorce based on observing their communication dynamics.

Couples who cannot discuss or manage their differences will often display behaviors that are clearly hostile, including arguing, put downs, name calling, or physical violence.  Or they will emotionally withdraw from one another by spending less and less time together, or by throwing themselves into work or extra-marital affairs.  Significant marital discord can have a huge negative impact on developing children. Children may be terrified at the thought of their parents breaking up. Parents will often forget that the intensity of their conflict has a direct bearing on the emotional well-being of their children.

Is Your Marriage in a Rut?  Questions each partner should ask themselvesCan your spouse never do anything right?

Does everything lead to an argument?

Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?

Would you rather be anywhere than with your spouse?

Have you lost interest in talking to your spouse?

Do you avoid sexual or emotional intimacy with your spouse?

Are you having an affair or thinking about having an affair?

Do you often think of divorce?

Answering yes to any of these questions may indicate that your marriage is in trouble.  

Making Your Marriage WorkStaying stuck in an unhappy marriage should not be an option for married couples.  Some couples will often stay in an unhappy marriage until the resentment builds and they feel they have no choice but to divorce. They don’t voice their unhappiness or difficulties, hoping that their problems will be somehow magically solved.  Then there are the “problems solvers”; couples who will really work hard to try to get their marriage to work.  

Often what these couples both have in common is that they rarely go for marital counseling.  Maintaining a healthy marriage, solving problems and truly enjoying the other as a partner requires strong relationship skills.  These skills can often be attained via couples treatment.  Marital counseling sessions can help the couple learn specific skills that will aid them in better communication, better problem solving and better conflict resolution.  Marital counseling can address the 3 C’s of marriage:  Communication, Compromise, and Conflict Resolution.  

Some examples of skills that can be achieved via Marital Counseling include:  learning how to state your feelings and needs clearly and openly without resentment or anger

healthy and positive communication wherein one learns to listen and process what their partner is saying

healthy conflict resolution

learning to be assertive without being offensive

processing unresolved issues from the past that consciously or unconsciously may be affecting the present state of the relationship

gaining a deeper and better understanding of your spouse and yourself

Getting the Help You NeedAs with all mental health treatment, marital counseling should be done by a licensed mental health professional who has specific training in marital and family dynamics and treatment.  

At OHEL we can help.If you and your spouse are experiencing marital conflict and tension, one of our licensed mental health professionals can help.  At OHEL, we have highly competent mental health professionals who specialize in marriage and family treatment. We can help your marriage return to a loving and healthy state, a benefit that will impact both you and your children!

Remember, at OHEL, we are only a phone call or a click away from your road to recovery.

COLOR 3D PRINTING IT IS HERE!

These Awesome Shoes Were rinted Using The World’s First 

Color 3D-Printer

By Avner Meyrav, NoCamels February 03, 2014 1 Commentshttp://nocamels.com/2014/02/these-awesome-shoes-were-printed-using-the-worlds-first-color-3d-printer/

We’ve told you before about the 3D-printed car and the 3D-printed designer clothing, both printed by Israeli-American 3D-printing giant Stratasys, and now, the company has set the bar even higher, by bringing color into the 3D-printing world.

Until now, most 3D printers could print in one color only, and some could print in two. That meant designers who used the technology had to print out a model using one solid color and paint over it later.

The new Objet500 Connex3,  however, is able to print in color right out of the box and the company believes its printer, which costs a whopping $330,000, is a “game changer.”

3D-printed bicycle helmet

Not unlike an inkjet printer found in many homes (albeit a little more pricey), the new printer uses three base-colors to create all the different colors. According to the company, the three base-materials, VeroCyan, VeroMagenta and VeroYellow – are combined to produce hundreds of vivid colors.

In addition, the material itself, which is a form of plastic, can be combined with another rubber-like material to create models that feel like a real product. Since the printer can use three base-materials at once, it can print a wide array of objects, ranging from sunglasses to 3D-printed shoes.

“Stratasys’ goal is to help our customers revolutionize their design and manufacturing processes,” says Stratasys CEO David Reis. “I believe our new Objet500 Connex3 Color Multi-material 3D Printer will transform the way our customers design, engineer and manufacture new products. In general and with the Connex technology in particular, we will continue to push the envelope of what’s possible in a 3D world.

”It is mportant to state that this printer is not intended for mass-producing items, but to create models. While the 3D printer is already available today, the flexible raw material, used to create the various models, will only be available after March 2014.

All photos courtesy

Life can be better By: Rivka Levy

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/life_can_be_better.aspx?id=22751&language=english

My husband came back from yeshiva today, and told me that Rebbe Nachman said that if someone committed themselves to doing an hour a day of personal prayer, that he would open up a path for them to rectify their soul at their root.

Hashem has been very kind to me and my husband. For the last few years - maybe even five years, already - we've both been trying very hard to do an hour of personal prayer a day.

Even the days when I've been so pressured, so stressed, so busy, so tired - I've tried to do it. Even if it meant just sitting there trying to stay awake for an hour. Or walking around with nothing to say. Or lying on my bed, trying to get a whole bunch of fears, or sadness, or worries to budge.

I had one day this year when I 'missed' doing an hour - it was an abnormally crazy, hectic, ridiculous day - and I felt it for days afterwards. Like I'd built up some nasty stains on an otherwise fairly clean slate, that didn't come off for ages.

It's not that I don't sin. I sin a lot. But I realized a while ago that my job is not to try and 'catch' every little thing - even thinking about doing that still paralyses me. My job is to show up for the hour, to do my best to catch whatever I can, big or small, and then to trust in Rebbe Nachman's promise that even that is enough to rectify the whole day, and get me off the hook Upstairs.

The last few months have been very intense, for both me and my husband. Every day is bringing us new revelations, new insights, new bits of information that are completely changing the whole picture of what is really going on.

A little while ago, I told him that whatever was going on, it was bigger than just him and me. Ok, I'm still angry, arrogant, stingy, spiteful, jealous, and selfish - but I'm not an axe-murderer, and neither is he.

The spiritual 'stuff' that has been spewing out over the last few months can't just be from our lifetimes. If it was, I think it would have taken a couple of months to sort out, at the incredible intensity and pace that things have been happening.

In less than 12 months, I've been to Uman twice, and he's been three times. I've done quite a few 6 hours, at various holy places, and so has he. He learns in Rav Arush's yeshiva every single day; he gets 'messages' all the time from his Rav there, Rav Cassouto, and his classmates; he has me in his face 24/7, with all my 'messages' from my personal prayer, or my reading, or even my dreams.

He's getting a lot of Divine help.

And yet, whatever 'it' is that needs to break or budge or move or crack still isn't.

We're stuck. We have no idea what to do next.

I could get miserable about it all. Sometimes, I do get miserable about it all - but not for long. Because whatever crazy 'fixing' process we are in the middle of, however far back it's reaching, I feel G-d is holding my hand throughout it.

I'm walking around with a lot of heartache at the moment. It could very easily have turned me into a terrible wife; a bitter woman; a monstrous mother - but strangely, it's making me kinder, more understanding and more patient.

How can this be?

How can I be hurting so much on the inside, about so many people's pain, and still walking around with a smile on my face, and a willingness to invite people for Shabbat lunch?

It can only be because G-d is helping me through it. It can only be, because Rebbe Nachman is taking a personal interest, and guiding the process from Upstairs. It can only be because when I feel so stuck, or so empty, or so lost, I can go and talk to G-d about it all, and I always finish those conversations feeling calm enough to continue on to the 'next stage', whatever that's going to be.

World, you are really messed up. Do you know that? There are so many hurting and hurtful people walking around. So many pained and paining people. So many of us who can't connect to anything, including ourselves, and who are trying to hide that massive sense of disconnection by being plugged into mobiles and Ipads and laptops 24/7.

Watching people on Skype doesn't solve the problem. Uploading videos of yourself and your family to the internet doesn't solve the problem. Conference calling, emailing, Facebooking - doesn't solve the problem.

These days it's so 'normal' to be so messed up, to feel so miserable, so lonely and so unloved, that most people don't even realize that they could be any other way.

But they can! You can! I can!

We just have to take the massive step of admitting that there might just be a problem. That our lives might just not be as perfect as we like to think they are. That our souls might just be withering away from a lack of real love and attention.

That's a scary prospect, isn't it? If we admit that, we'll be obliged to do something about it - and what, really, can we do? Nothing. Nothing at all. That's why so many of us are pretending 'everything's fine, now please go away.'

But the point, is that it's not for us to fix. It's for G-d to resolve. Our part is just to switch sides, to become part of the solution, and stop being part of the problem. To admit our futility, our frailty, our feelings of being unloved, and unlovable.

Things are in the process of being 'fixed', whether we want it or not; whether we admit it or not. If we're not holding G-d's hand when the 'fixing' process catches up to us - we'll be completely smashed by it.