Dear Emuna: Men, Women & Intimacy

Dear Emuna: Men, Women & Intimacy

Dear Emuna,

We are generally a very close and happy couple. However, there is one thing that is getting in the way. My husband is much more active and excited with intimacy than I am. It’s not that I don't enjoy it but it would never come naturally for me to initiate, and he is very disturbed by this. I know that I feel very emotionally together so I don't think that is the problem. I do however feel pressured due to the fact that I just don't get it right for him. I care about him and love him tremendously and it hurts me that I can’t seem to do what he wants. How can I help myself? Also, people talk about finding a good therapist but how would I go about looking for someone who can help me in this area?

Eager to Please

Dear Eager to Please,

In the world at large, there is a lot of talk about the physical act but very few discussions of intimacy; a lot of instructions for maximizing physical pleasure and very little about creating deep emotional bonds. The bombardment of sexual imagery and innuendo overwhelms and confuses us. It creates certain expectations about what the experience should be like and makes many of us feel like we are missing out on something.

This is a destructive and inaccurate message. I am venturing a guess that your husband is responding to these cues. He thinks that in order to have the best experience, you should initiate it. He needs a gentle education in true intimacy and the fallacy of Hollywood-style romance.

The two of you should set aside time for a real discussion of yourselves, your desires, your drives and your expectations.

Focus him on the ultimate goal – a deep and profound connection. Discuss your desire to give to him and (hopefully) his to give to you. Talk about the differences between women’s sexuality and men’s. Yes, it needs to be said; this understanding cannot be taken for granted.

We live in a hook-up culture where young women pretend that their desire operates the same way as a man’s – until they are hurt and depressed when a relationship doesn’t develop from these physical encounters.

Men (particularly single ones) have a vested interest in believing this myth. And married men may have bought into it as well. Explain to your husband that this is not the way that you (or most women) work and how you much you wish he wouldn’t let this fantasy get in the way of your real relationship.

If he is an open, caring and supportive spouse, he will understand and respond accordingly. If he doesn’t then I recommend professional help – for more than just your intimate life.