Gratitude Leads to Happiness by emuna braverman

Gratitude Leads to Happiness

“It is not happy people who are thankful; it is thankful people who are happy.”

A friend of mine posted this anonymous quote on Facebook the other day.  It dovetailed neatly with the recent Wall Street Journal piece “Raising Children with an Attitude of Gratitude” by Diana Kapp (12/23/2013).

Gratitude leads to happiness.  According to a study of teens that is cited in the article, it also leads to stronger GPA’s, less depression, less envy and a more positive outlook. To get our adolescents to behave like that, most of us would do just about anything.

But we don’t have to. It turns out that all we need to do is model gratitude ourselves (which will lead to the benefit of greater personal happiness regardless of how it impacts our teens!).

However “all we have to do” may be more difficult than it sounds.  May of us may not be in the habit of expressing gratitude. In fact, we may actually be in the habit of expressing frustration, complaints, and a sense of entitlement (where do you think our kids got it from?).

So of course we are the ones that need to change first. We are the ones who need to make gratitude and appreciation a regular part of our lives.  We are the ones who must develop the “gratitude attitude.”

It is not enough to think it or feel it.  To make it real, even just for ourselves, we need to say it out loud. Likewise, if we want to model it for our children.

“Thank you for making such a delicious dinner tonight” (to the designated cook in the home).

“Thank you for going to the store for me.”

“I really appreciate that you folded my laundry.”

“Thanks for taking us on that vacation.  It was really special.”

“Wow.  What an awesome sunset the Almighty made for us.”

“We are so lucky to live in this house in this neighborhood.”

“It was really the Almighty’s kindness that brought us to this community.”

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (to quote one of my favorite musicals).

Yes, some of this sounds awkward. Some of it sounds artificial. You need to find your own words. And it takes practice – lots of it.

Changing behavior isn’t easy.  Enlist your family in the effort.  Ask them to help identify what to be grateful for, who to thank, what to notice and appreciate. It will impact all of you.

Sometimes gratitude is difficult because we don’t like to acknowledge our debts; we like to feel we did it on our own.  But we can’t do anything without the help of others (that proverbial “village”) and certainly not without the Almighty’s help. He deserves the biggest thanks of all. And once we’re grateful to our Creator, we will also be grateful to His creations.

Follow-Through How to grow in emuna

My own comment you can also live in Israel which is the best place for emuna, even if you are not able to do this  program

Follow-Through

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

I've read all the wonderful books you translated by your teacher Rabbi Arush. They changed my life and saved my marriage. I also drove three hours to see Rav Arush and you when you came to Los Angeles before Chanuka. I watch Breslev Israel, read Lazer Beams, and listen to all of your shiurim, but I think I need more. What can I do to follow through and move forward with my emuna? With appreciation, Dennis from California

Dear Dennis,

Have you thought of moving to Israel? Chut Shel Chesed, Rav Arush's yeshiva in Jerusalem, now has an English-language kollel headed by Rabbi Dror Moshe Cousotto who is fantastic. This could be wonderful for you. Also,our dayan and posek, Rabbi Elchanan Elgrod, is not only brilliant but an English speaker as well. If that's not enough, you can also hear shiurim by Dr. Zev Ballen, our emuna psychotherapist, and other leading rabbis. But, until you're here in person, you can catch all of them - including my shiurim - on the Breslev Israel VOD page, online. You can also have a taste of their shiurim on the right-hand toolbar of this site. Take advantage of it, and start considering aliya. With every single blessing, LB

- See more at: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com/#sthash.bGn3vjoK.dpuf

An Israeli Soldier to American Jews: Wake up!

An Israeli Soldier to American Jews: Wake up!

Hat tip Mpaths

By Hen Mazzig
The Times of Israel
October 10, 2013

As a young Israeli who had just completed five years of service in the IDF, I looked forward to my new job educating people in the Pacific Northwest about Israel. I was shocked, however, by the anti-Israel bigotry and hostility I encountered, especially in the greater Seattle area, Oregon, and Berkeley. I had been very liberal, a member of the leftist Zionist party, Meretz, but the anti-Semitism and hatred for Israel that I have seen in the U.S. has changed my outlook personally and politically.

As part of my work as an educator at StandWithUs, between January and May of this year, I  traveled to college campuses, high schools and churches, sharing the history of modern Israel.  I also shared personal stories about growing up in the Jewish state, and about my family. I always spoke about my military service as an officer in an IDF COGAT unit that attends to the needs of Palestinian civilians who are not involved in the conflict and promotes Palestinian civil society. Each time I would speak and take questions for an hour or more. I have shared my personal story with over 16,000 people at many, many college campuses and high schools, including UC Berkeley, Stanford, the University of Washington, Seattle University and many others. Many of those to whom I spoke were supportive, friendly, and open to hearing about my Israel. But, sadly, far too many were not.

When I served as a soldier in the West Bank, I got used to having ugly things said to me, but nothing prepared me for the misinformation, demonization of Israel, and the gut-wrenching, anti-Israel, anti-Semitic hostility expressed by many students, professors, church members, and even some high school students right here in the Pacific Northwest.

I was further shocked by how unaware the organized Jewish community is and how little they are actually doing to counter this rising anti-Semitism, which motivated me to write this article.

This new form of bigotry against Israel has been called the “new anti-Semitism,” with “Israel” replacing “Jew” in traditional anti-Semitic imagery and canards, singling out and discriminating against the Jewish state, and denying the Jewish people alone the right to self-determination. The new anti-Semitism is packaged in the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions campaign (BDS), which claims to champion Palestinian rights though its real goal is to erode American support for Israel, discredit Jews who support Israel, and pave the way for eliminating the Jewish state. One of BDS’ central demands is the “complete right of return” for all the descendants of the original Palestinian refugees, subtle language that means the end of Israel as the Jewish homeland because it would turn Israel into a Palestinian-Arab majority state.

It is surprising that an extremist group like BDS is ever taken seriously, but BDS advocates have found receptive audiences in some circles. Their campaigns are well organized and in many cases, well financed. They have lobbied universities, corporations, food co-ops, churches, performing artists, labor unions, and other organizations to boycott Israel and companies that do business with Israel. But even if these groups don’t agree to treat Israel as a pariah state, the BDS activists manage to spread their anti-Israel misinformation, lies and prejudice simply by forcing a debate based on their false claims about Israel.

To give you a taste of the viciousness of the BDS attacks, let me cite just a few of the many shocking experiences I have had. At a BDS event in Portland, a professor from a Seattle university told the assembled crowd that the Jews of Israel have no national rights and should be forced out of the country. When I asked, “Where do you want them to go?” she calmly answered, “I don’t care. I don’t care if they don’t have any place else to go. They should not be there.” When I responded that she was calling for ethnic cleansing, both she and her supporters denied it. And during a presentation in Seattle, I spoke about my longing for peace between Israel and the Palestinians. When I was done, a woman in her 60’s stood up and yelled at me, “You are worse than the Nazis. You are just like the Nazi youth!” A number of times I was repeatedly accused of being a killer, though I have never hurt anyone in my life. On other occasions, anti-Israel activists called me a rapist. The claims go beyond being absurd – in one case, a professor asked me if I knew how many Palestinians have been raped by IDF forces. I answered that as far as I knew, none. She triumphantly responded that I was right, because, she said, “You IDF soldiers don’t rape Palestinians because Israelis are so racist and disgusted by them that you won’t touch them.”

Such irrational accusations are symptomatic of dangerous anti-Semitism. Yet, alarmingly, most mainstream American Jews are completely oblivious to this ugly movement and the threat it poses. They seem to be asleep, unaware that this anti-Jewish bigotry is peddled on campuses, by speakers in high schools, churches, and communities, and is often deceptively camouflaged in the rhetoric of human rights.

The American Jewish community and its leaders are not providing a united front to combat this latest threat. Unfortunately, this repeats a pattern of Jewish communal groups failing to unite in a timely way to counter threats against us individually and as a community.

Shockingly, a small but very vocal number of Jews actively support BDS. They often belong to organizations that prominently include “Jewish” in their names, like Jewish Voice for Peace, to give cover to BDS and the anti-Semitism that animates it. A question that we, as a Jewish community must ask ourselves, is whether it is ever appropriate to include and accept Jews who support BDS and directly or indirectly advocate the ultimate elimination of the Jewish State of Israel.

I think it is not.

My experiences in America have changed me. I never expected to encounter such hatred and lies. I never believed that such anti-Semitism still existed, especially in the U.S. I never knew that the battlefield was not just Gaza, the West Bank, and hostile Middle Eastern countries wanting to destroy Israel and kill our citizens and soldiers. It is also here in America, where a battle must be waged against prejudice and lies.

I implore American Jews: do more.

Israel cannot fight this big battle alone. If you are affiliated with a Jewish organization, let it know you want it to actively, openly and unequivocally oppose the BDS campaign and those who support it. Inform yourself, your friends and families, by visiting websites of organizations like StandWithUs, Jewish Virtual Library, AIPAC, AJC and others that will update you and provide information about BDS and anti-Semitism.

I urge the organized Jewish community and its members to wake up and stand up for the Jewish state of Israel, and for all it represents, and for all it works to achieve.

Hand-in-Hand or Hand-to-Hand?

Hand-in-Hand or Hand-to-Hand?

The Secret to a Happy Marriage: For Men

The Secret to a Happy Marriage: For Men

No posting this article up click the link!

OHEL Webinar: Enhance Your Marriage

Video: High Maintenance Lori almost live

Video: High Maintenance

Dear Emuna: Men, Women & Intimacy

Dear Emuna: Men, Women & Intimacy

Dear Emuna,

We are generally a very close and happy couple. However, there is one thing that is getting in the way. My husband is much more active and excited with intimacy than I am. It’s not that I don't enjoy it but it would never come naturally for me to initiate, and he is very disturbed by this. I know that I feel very emotionally together so I don't think that is the problem. I do however feel pressured due to the fact that I just don't get it right for him. I care about him and love him tremendously and it hurts me that I can’t seem to do what he wants. How can I help myself? Also, people talk about finding a good therapist but how would I go about looking for someone who can help me in this area?

Eager to Please

Dear Eager to Please,

In the world at large, there is a lot of talk about the physical act but very few discussions of intimacy; a lot of instructions for maximizing physical pleasure and very little about creating deep emotional bonds. The bombardment of sexual imagery and innuendo overwhelms and confuses us. It creates certain expectations about what the experience should be like and makes many of us feel like we are missing out on something.

This is a destructive and inaccurate message. I am venturing a guess that your husband is responding to these cues. He thinks that in order to have the best experience, you should initiate it. He needs a gentle education in true intimacy and the fallacy of Hollywood-style romance.

The two of you should set aside time for a real discussion of yourselves, your desires, your drives and your expectations.

Focus him on the ultimate goal – a deep and profound connection. Discuss your desire to give to him and (hopefully) his to give to you. Talk about the differences between women’s sexuality and men’s. Yes, it needs to be said; this understanding cannot be taken for granted.

We live in a hook-up culture where young women pretend that their desire operates the same way as a man’s – until they are hurt and depressed when a relationship doesn’t develop from these physical encounters.

Men (particularly single ones) have a vested interest in believing this myth. And married men may have bought into it as well. Explain to your husband that this is not the way that you (or most women) work and how you much you wish he wouldn’t let this fantasy get in the way of your real relationship.

If he is an open, caring and supportive spouse, he will understand and respond accordingly. If he doesn’t then I recommend professional help – for more than just your intimate life.

The Secret to a Happy Marriage: For Women

The Secret to a Happy Marriage: For Women

The market for marriage advice seems bottomless. I myself have written more articles than I can count on the topic (and I will probably continue to write more!). I have studied the love languages and the personality types and read book after book after book. But it recently it occurred to me that perhaps it can all be boiled down to one idea, from which everything else flows:

Make your husband your priority. Before your job, before your community work, before your children (gasp!), before your girlfriends, before your sleep (!), before your….

This is THE secret to a happy and successful marriage. (If I could bottle it, I would make a fortune). But, like much of Jewish wisdom, this is a simple concept to grasp and a difficult one to implement on a daily basis.

What does it look like practically?

Before your job: Yes, you need the income. Yes, in order to receive your salary, you need to do good work. But work needs to be left at the office. Your husband should not feel like he is competing for your attention with the brief that is due the next day. You may get more external reward for successfully completing a project in your workplace but your real effort belongs at home. It’s a funny thing; my husband frequently counsels men that when their wife calls them at work, they need to take the call (sometimes the obvious needs to be stated!) and they need to switch gears to husband mode. The same is true for us. No deadline is more important than our husband’s needs, our marriage’s needs.

Before your community work: We don’t have to be like Mrs. Jellyby in Bleak House to be guilty of neglecting our family for the “greater good.” Popular wisdom has it that women have a hard time saying no. I don’t have the scientific evidence but speaking from personal experience, that seems to be true. There are so many good causes out there, so much need within the Jewish community and the broader world at large. It’s good to give, it’s important to give; it’s setting a great example for our children. But only if we have the time and energy to do it with no cost to our marriage. If our work for the community starts to take precedence or takes a toll on our relationship with our husband, we need to pull back. It’s difficult. There are no plaques for being a good wife but this is the relationship that will outlast all the dinners and galas and other fund-raising events. I’m not putting down community work. I think it’s crucial and I like to think I am doing some myself but we need to keep our priorities straight.

Making your husband your priority is the ultimate expression of true love.

Before your children: This is a very difficult area but essential. We can’t ignore our husbands to focus on our children. It is not healthy for our marriage and it is not healthy for our children. They need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and they can be patient and wait while their parents are talking. Obviously we have to use age-appropriate judgment but I’ve heard mothers of infants explain that they need a few hours a day to play with the baby and therefore have no time for their husbands. This may be radical but very young babies do NOT need a lot of play time. They are content to sit/sleep on your lap while you converse with your spouse. A stable, happy home is a much greater gift to your children than an extra 15 minutes of floor time.

Before your sleep: This needs its own category because we are sometimes sooo tired that it’s hard to function let alone give our husbands attention. But we need to combat this. We need to find time every day to connect, to pay attention, to focus. We need to stay alert to hear about his needs and his day and we need to also conserve energy (take a nap!) in order to preserve the intimacy in our marriage. This is not an area that can be neglected until the children are older.

Before your needs: This is a broad, all-encompassing category which really suggests the attitude we should have. We want to give to our husbands. We want to do what they need or require, not in order to get back but because we care about them and this is an expression of love. It’s not difficult to rise above our own needs to take care of our children. Our many sleepless nights attest to this. But, when it comes to our marriage, to our most crucial relationship, we seem reluctant to make the effort. And we start to keep score. (Would anyone ever think of keeping score with respect to their children? Of course not. We know it’s a losing battle!) The true secret to a good marriage is to be a giver. Barring abuse and severe psychological disturbance, this will work every time. To paraphrase the Talmud, if you attend to his needs, then he will attend to yours. But it only works if that’s not your goal, if your goal really is to give to him.

Making your husband your priority is the ultimate expression of true love. Otherwise we are just fooling ourselves and it is really about me. Like I said, it’s simple to grasp but really difficult to implement.

Sign a pettion save a life

The Cohen family, of Houston, TX, is facing a battle none of us should have to go through - aggressive brain cancer in their 6-year old son Refael Elisha. Having recently received the devastating news from their doctors that "there is nothing more we can do for him", the Cohens are turning to a last resort - Antineoplaston Therapy at the Burzyinski clinic. However, the FDA pulled their approval for this treatment in 2012 pending further clinical trials. We are told that the FDA is nearing approval to resume this treatment, but Refael Elisha does not have time to wait.

The FDA has the power to approve a "compassionate use exemption" so Refael Elisha can undergo this therapy to try and save his life.

We are asking the FDA to grant this exemption so we can continue to fight for his life.

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/authorize-fda-grant-compassionate-use-exemption-refael-elisha-cohen-antineoplaston-therapy/BVSP1ZkW

Amazing program to learn all of NACH (prophets and writings in one year)

http://www.azamra.org/NaCh.shtml

You can get these sent to your e-mail daily.  They are AMAZING!

A nation of miracles

A nation of miracles

A nation of miracles

"For the people of Israel, miracles are the way of nature, for the people of Israel are above nature." Rebbe Nachman of Breslev

Don't be upset with the nations of the world because they don't understand us; they're not capable of understanding us.

Many of our own brothers and sisters don't know what it means to be a Jew, so what can we possibly expect from our neighbors? One of life's biggest tragedies is when the King's own son and daughter don't know who their father is.

Our Father in Heaven can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. Nature is nothing more than a tool in His hands. Whenever He so desires, He overrides nature. We call that miracles, but for Hashem, it's business as usual.

How can we invoke miracles?

My beloved teacher and spiritual guide Rabbi Shalom Arush says that if you haven't yet seen a miracle today, it's because you haven't said thank-you to Hashem today. So what are you waiting for?

- See more at: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com/#sthash.1rtI0n3I.dpuf

Five Reasons a Good Marriage is Essential for Parenting by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

Five Reasons a Good Marriage is Essential for Parenting

You’re passionate about raising your children in the best possible way. You’ve attended parenting classes, read books, and have been conscientious about being a good mom or dad. There’s one key ingredient that you might have forgotten, and that’s the relationship with the one who helped make you a parent in the first place: your spouse. Working on your marriage may be the You’re passionate about raising your children in the best possible way. You’ve attended parenting classes, read books, and have been conscientious about being a good mom or dad. There’s one key ingredient that you might have forgotten, and that’s the relationship with the one who helped make you a parent in the first place: your spouse. Working on your marriage may be the most important thing you’ll ever do to ensure the emotional health of your children.
Here’s how:
1. Structure and stability: Children need structure and stability. They have special antennas to pick up tension. When they sense you aren’t getting along, they won’t tell you directly, but they’ll be sure to act out. Your children need to feel taken care of and protected. If your relationship is chaotic, you’ll create a home environment of chaos. A stable marriage provides a comfortable framework, where your kids can focus on being kids and not be distracted by the anxiety that something is wrong at home. Children actually think they are to blame for your upset. They won’t realize that your bad mood is because you aren’t getting along with your spouse.
2. Parenting on the same page: Parents need to show a united front. If you don’t get along with your spouse, it will be quite a challenge to work together as parents. When you have diverging views on raising your kids, the children get stuck in the middle and wind up taking sides. In most relationships, one parent assumes the role of disciplinarian while the other is more laissez-faire. If both parents work together, they can parent in a balanced way. If they can’t, they risk making one parent the bad guy and undermining the parent-child relationship. While even the most connected couples may have a difference of opinions on child-rearing, they’re able to work through their differences and parent effectively. Learn how to work together so you can be on the same page for your kids.
3. Modeling healthy relationships: History repeats itself, and this is certainly true when it comes to relationships. I have seen many young couples experiencing the same relationship breakdown they saw in their homes. More important than any book or speech is how we model to our children. The relationship your children witness in your home will be the factor that impacts most in how they’ll conduct themselves in their own relationships. Most parents wish they could leave their child an inheritance. Even if you have no money to leave, you can give them the gift of seeing a loving, stable marriage. If you are suffering in your marriage, you surely won’t want your kids to experience what you’re going through. Work on your relationship so you can spare them the grief and provide a model they can look forward to.
4. Accepting your child: The best way to practice being a good parent is to learn how to be a good spouse. When you employ relationship skills with your spouse, you’ll have a much easier time applying them to your children. One of the greatest challenges in any relationship is fully accepting the other. As you learn to exercise your compassion muscle by listening to your spouse without judgment and making space for him/her, you’ll find it easier to do so with your kids. When you accept your children by validating their feelings without reacting, you help build their self-esteem. Even when you disagree, you can assure them that their feelings make sense. Working on your marriage gives you invaluable experiencing. By the time your children grow old enough to articulate themselves, you’ll be prepared to be there for them in a caring and empathic way.
5. You won’t lash out at the kids: Children can be quite a handful at times. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and have no help, your real anger may be with your spouse, but the immediate victims will be the kids. Being more irritable in general, you’re likely to yell at them when they get too hard to handle. They’ll bear the brunt of issues that you could have worked out with your spouse. When you’re feeling good about your spouse and have an open line of communication, your stress threshold will be lower, and you are less likely to lash out at innocent bystanders.
You owe it to your children to make your marriage great. A vibrant marriage will help provide structure and stability for your kids, enable you to parent them on the same page, model healthy relationships, learn relationship skills that will help you accept your children, and make sure your frustration doesn’t come to hurt your kids. Take action today for your marriage, for kid’s sake!

most important thing you’ll ever do to ensure the emotional health of your children.

Here’s how:

1. Structure and stability: Children need structure and stability. They have special antennas to pick up tension. When they sense you aren’t getting along, they won’t tell you directly, but they’ll be sure to act out. Your children need to feel taken care of and protected. If your relationship is chaotic, you’ll create a home environment of chaos. A stable marriage provides a comfortable framework, where your kids can focus on being kids and not be distracted by the anxiety that something is wrong at home. Children actually think they are to blame for your upset. They won’t realize that your bad mood is because you aren’t getting along with your spouse.

2. Parenting on the same page: Parents need to show a united front. If you don’t get along with your spouse, it will be quite a challenge to work together as parents. When you have diverging views on raising your kids, the children get stuck in the middle and wind up taking sides. In most relationships, one parent assumes the role of disciplinarian while the other is more laissez-faire. If both parents work together, they can parent in a balanced way. If they can’t, they risk making one parent the bad guy and undermining the parent-child relationship. While even the most connected couples may have a difference of opinions on child-rearing, they’re able to work through their differences and parent effectively. Learn how to work together so you can be on the same page for your kids.

3. Modeling healthy relationships: History repeats itself, and this is certainly true when it comes to relationships. I have seen many young couples experiencing the same relationship breakdown they saw in their homes. More important than any book or speech is how we model to our children. The relationship your children witness in your home will be the factor that impacts most in how they’ll conduct themselves in their own relationships. Most parents wish they could leave their child an inheritance. Even if you have no money to leave, you can give them the gift of seeing a loving, stable marriage. If you are suffering in your marriage, you surely won’t want your kids to experience what you’re going through. Work on your relationship so you can spare them the grief and provide a model they can look forward to.

4. Accepting your child: The best way to practice being a good parent is to learn how to be a good spouse. When you employ relationship skills with your spouse, you’ll have a much easier time applying them to your children. One of the greatest challenges in any relationship is fully accepting the other. As you learn to exercise your compassion muscle by listening to your spouse without judgment and making space for him/her, you’ll find it easier to do so with your kids. When you accept your children by validating their feelings without reacting, you help build their self-esteem. Even when you disagree, you can assure them that their feelings make sense. Working on your marriage gives you invaluable experiencing. By the time your children grow old enough to articulate themselves, you’ll be prepared to be there for them in a caring and empathic way.

5. You won’t lash out at the kids: Children can be quite a handful at times. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and have no help, your real anger may be with your spouse, but the immediate victims will be the kids. Being more irritable in general, you’re likely to yell at them when they get too hard to handle. They’ll bear the brunt of issues that you could have worked out with your spouse. When you’re feeling good about your spouse and have an open line of communication, your stress threshold will be lower, and you are less likely to lash out at innocent bystanders.

You owe it to your children to make your marriage great. A vibrant marriage will help provide structure and stability for your kids, enable you to parent them on the same page, model healthy relationships, learn relationship skills that will help you accept your children, and make sure your frustration doesn’t come to hurt your kids. Take action today for your marriage, for kid’s sake!

Science and Prayer by Gutman Locks

Science and Prayer

From Reb Gutman

Science and Prayer

     Here are some facts about belief in G-d and prayer that recent studies have shown. The interesting thing about these studies is that the results they show are not necessarily from prayers being answered, but merely about what happens when you pray.

Talking to G-d boosts emotional stability and self-control over your behavior.

Prayer as a coping response to the high demands in life brings an increased ability to resist temptation.

People who pray have reduced levels of infidelity and alcohol consumption.

Belief in G-d significantly improves treatment for depression. More than 30 percent of patients claiming no specific religious affiliation still saw the same benefits in treatment if their belief in God was rated as moderately or very high. Patients with 'no' or only 'slight' belief in God were twice as likely not to respond to treatment as patients with higher levels of belief.

     Believing in, and talking to G-d, improves your life. It is pleasant, easy, free, and now even scientifically proven to help. You do not have to wait for a minyan (quorum) or even go to the synagogue to pray. You can talk to G-d wherever you are, whenever you want good company.

Mother-in-law's too high expectations letter to Rabbi Brody

Mother-in-law's too high expectations

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I have written to you before and you have been so helpful in the past. Perhaps you can advise me now. I underwent surgery about 2 weeks ago and I am now recovering at home and doing well, baruch Hashem. My son and daughter in law called me at the hospital every day. But now that I am home I only hear from them every 5 or 6 days. My son works 5 days a week and they have 4 wonderful young children. I am trying very hard not to feel as if they are not interested in my daily progress, but, to tell you the truth, that is how I do feel. I have tried to give the benefit of the doubt... but it is not working. Please help me. With thanks, Frida from Flatbush

B"H Dear Frida,

The more you have expectations, the more you are disappointed (see The Trail to Tranquility, pp. 55-56). You have lots of free time while you're recovering, but your son and daughter in law are up-to-the-eyeballs busy raising children and making a living. One cannot attain happiness from self-indulgence or dependency on others. When you were hospitalized, your son and daughter in-law were on high alert so they called every day out of concern; but, one can't be on high alert perpetually. On a routine basis, it's terrific for a daughter in law to call every 5 days! Thank Hashem for your marvelous good fortune rather than complain. You are blessed, so be happy! It's important to judge others fairly. Would you believe that many women complain to me that their daughters in-law call them less than once a month? You are indeed a lucky woman. Don't ever forget that Hashem does everything for the best. Blessings and a speedy recovery, LB

Dear Rabbi Brody,

WOW! your letter was great. I guess I needed some strong and on target words from  you, Rabbi. What a mitzvah you had. I cannot thank you enough. I printed out this letter and put it on my refrigerator door. Perhaps you might consider a book related to questions people have asked you over the years and your wonderful responses. Thanks so much, Frida

Rav Arush Love Heals A MUST READ!

A person who listens to my CDs has a son who fell into a difficult emotional situation. The boy began to have all sorts of fears. He acted in a disoriented manner and lost desire to go to school. His mother fought with him every morning to get up, get dressed and put on his shoes; every single step was a struggle to get the boy to move. By ten o’clock, they still hadn’t sent him off to school. This unbearable situation recurred every morning.

The parents took him to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication that basically destroyed their son's life. He became even more nervous and emotionally difficult. The parents stopped the medication on their own initiative and switched from the psychiatrist to a psychologist, but to no avail. The latter tried to help according to his knowledge, but without any success. After months of work with the child, nothing helped. The child’s situation only continued to deteriorate.

During this entire period, the father, who follows my teachings, invested an hour daily in personal prayer, pleading for his child. Hashem instilled him with the idea to stop evaluating himself, but instead, to invest all his efforts in praying for his child. 

And so, it began. Every morning, at 6:00 am, he’d come to the child, hug and kiss him, and tell him loving words, like “You are my beloved child, my light, come, and I’ll help you.” Every single morning, he woke the child, lavishing him with softness, love, and kind words. Soon, the child began to get up. In time, he got up early and became completely healthy, thanks to a loving father's prayers, patience and encouragement. 

Love is capable of healing a child from even the most difficult psychological ailments. 

The above story is a shining example of parental love and dedication. The father sacrificed his own spirituality - his participation in a sunrise minyan and his pre-prayer Gemara learning - to give all his attention to his son. It’s important to point this out, because many times a father is pressured from his own life circumstances. Yet, saving one's child jumps to the top of one's priority list. 

In these situations, generally speaking, a mother cannot deal. She is very busy in the morning with the other children and other preparations, and she does not have the same ability, or the patience, to give as the husband does. Therefore, it must be the father who needs to sacrifice for his child.

Even so, when I heard this story I was reminded of my mother, may she rest in peace, who was exceptional in this area. It’s unbelievable how Hashem can give such a giant heart to simple people who don’t even know how to read or write.

When we got up in the morning, everything was ready! Food was prepared for school, and the home clean and organized. There was no such thing that a child would leave for school without drinking or eating something. And the blessings she gave us! She’d heap upon our heads such good wishes that would accompany us all day! Endless warmth and love! That's how our day started. Such a climate gives children strength and emotional health with no comparison.

From the above story, we learn that love heals. Rebbe Nachman asks, “Is there merit in belittling another person? There's only merit in uplifting him!” When we see someone with a problem - a child, a friend, a spouse - do we jump on them and make things worse? Certainly not! Helping uplift them with warmth and love is what's praiseworthy.

The approach of love and patience helps solve any problem, not just that of getting up in the morning. Sometimes, I'll pray for a child for two weeks before I approach him to try and rectify something. I wait until an opportune time comes when I can approach the child with love, and I tell him a story or learn with him on the topic that he needs help in, and I see miracles!

There are many examples: a child who doesn’t pray well – when the right moment comes, I tell him a story of the power of prayer, of the virtue of praying with intent, and so forth. After that, he usually prays beautifully. With a lot of love and warmth, we can accomplish what rebuke cannot.

10 Tips after 20 Years of Marriage

10 Tips after 20 Years of Marriage

Mazel tov to us! We've been married for 20 years. Ironically, I still feel like that's not all that much; those older and wiser than us have so much to teach us. But nevertheless, 20 years is a big milestone, and we’ve certainly learned plenty along the way. Here we go.

1. Make yourself an easy person to apologize to. When your spouse says, "I'm sorry for being moody" or even "I'm sorry for driving 500 miles in the wrong direction," do NOT take that as invitation to say anything other than, "Thank you for that apology," or, if you're feeling really big, "I forgive you."

2. Remember that what you think is the "right" way is simply "the way you're used to" and may, shockingly, even be "the wrong way." So keep an open mind. Weird is simply when someone else's mishugas (craziness) is different from your mishugas.

3. Never diss your spouse's family members. It's wrong and pretty much never worth it.

4. Don't keep anything important a secret. Besides the fact that secrets usually leak, this will most definitely build barriers and walls between you and your spouse. Whatever it is, it's better off shared and dealt with honestly. (Ladies, whether you deem a $200 impulse purchase at Nordstrom Rack "important" or not... is up to you.)

5. Learn that you will never, ever change your spouse. Unconditional love means loving the faults. Strive to get to the point where you love even your spouse's faults, because that's what makes her exactly who she is. Oddly enough, unconditional love often leads to people wanting to become their best selves.

6. Never prioritize your kids over the marriage. If you haven't been away without the kids, at least overnight, for longer than you can remember, you are prioritizing the kids over the marriage. Remember that a strong, close, and mutually supportive marriage is the best thing you can do for your kids. Take their therapy money and use it for your vacation. You're welcome.

7. There's nothing wrong if each of you eats something different for dinner. It's far more important that you eat at the same time, even if one of you has a full-on meal and the other sips tea, even if your kids are making normal conversation, um, elusive. Hang out together over food and drink. (I am aware that kids often make this difficult... see #6.)

8. Keep a list of things you need to discuss over the week (examples may range from "the washing machine is making weird noises" to "I think our child is bullying others" or even "I'm scared of dying"). Then make regular time, at least half-hour once a week, whether in person or even on the phone, to discuss them. This will prevent throwing upsetting issues out there at the wrong time. And we all know when the wrong time is. Hungry, tired, stressed, you said it.

9. Find couples who are happy and pump them for info. Be on the lookout wherever you go. Elderly people in long-lasting marriages often have great nuggets to share. Maybe one day, you'll be one of them.

10. My favorite: each of you shouldn’t give 50%. Each of you should give 100%. Then you will have not only a marriage, but a loving one. Let no task be beneath you so that your spouse understands that giving is the most important thing to you.

Jew Direction - "Chanukah Makes You Jewtiful" ✡D (One Direction Parody) ...

The Black Miracle: A Hanukkah/Thanksgiving Poetry Slam Nissim Black

From Seattle to Jerusalem Nissim Black his origins

From Seattle to Jerusalem
Click the link to hear Nissim Black's amazing story

Maccabeats Miracle Match 2013 makesomemiracles.com

 http://www.makesomemiracles.com 

The Maccabeats - Burn - Hanukkah

This was inspired by a boy who after seeing candlelight decided to wear his kippa proudly to school.
Being someone who has done the same I can relate!

Help the maccabeats raise money for their miricle match
 http://www.makesomemiracles.com 

Always Happy: The Nachlieli's Song RAbbi Lazer Brody

It Really Works Letter to Rabbi Brody

It Really Works

Dear Rabbi Brody,

In case you don't remember me with all your mail volume etc., I'm Peter from Kansas City who wrote you about my financial difficulties three months ago. You told me never to criticize my wife and to be sure I give a tithe to charity. To be honest, I thought your advice was off the wall. Then again, a little voice in my head said, "Hey, Peter - you're the one that asked his advice. He called it the way he saw it. Maybe you should listen?" Well I did, and not only has my marriage never been better but 2 weeks ago I landed a job with better hours, nicer people, great bennies on the side, and catch this - $12,000 more a year than I've been making. And guess what - I owe different people the sum of $12,000! Can you believe it?! Your advice and your CDs (I listened to "First Place" and "Respecting Your Wife") really work! The good Lord is great and thank you Rabbi for bringing us all closer to him whether we're Jews or not. May you have continued strength in your holy work, an appreciative Peter from KC

Video: Just Breathe: Marriage & Stress Rabbi Tzvi Sytner

Video: Just Breathe: Marriage & Stress

Must Watch!!! CHAZAQ event with Rabbi Shalom Arush (Hebrew) and Rabbi La...

Second Marriage by aish.com

Second Marriage

In a perfect world, men and women would marry, live long and happy lives together and leave this world at about the same time. There would be no need for second marriages. But we live in a world that is far from perfect. People sometimes die young, leaving behind grieving spouses with potentially long lives ahead of them. And too many marriages simply do not last and collapse into divorce.

Having served as a congregational rabbi for the past 38 years, I have seen it all: second marriages that thrive; second marriages that are doomed from the start; second marriages wrecked by children; second marriages in which the children from both sides fuse together into a happy and cooperative unit; second marriages that collapse under financial strain and second marriages that endure, but unhappily.

Interestingly, the divorce rate among second marriages is higher than that among first marriages. One would think that an individual who has gone through a divorce would have "learned his lesson" and will, therefore, not repeat the mistakes of the past. Alas, this is often not the case.

Those who marry to fulfill certain needs but are not prepared to give in return usually marry with the same intent the next time around. The second marriage becomes nothing more than a walk down a precipice, a courtship leading to fresh disaster (fresh only because it involves a new partner).

Does it make sense for someone who failed to marry again?

Sometimes, another questionable pattern is at work. One who leaves a marriage because of financial instability, may, for example, try to find a new partner who offers the promise of financial security. The same is true of the other significant marital issues – sexual fulfillment, lack of emotional connectedness (communication), problems with in-laws, et cetera. Since the spouse left the marriage because of a particular problem, she understandably wants to ensure that she will not have to contend with the same problem all over again. But life often plays funny tricks on people. The second-time newlywed finds out, often after it is too late, that the new spouse is indeed different from the first. And while the new spouse may have what the first spouse lacked, he may also lack what the first spouse had.

Following Divorce

Does it make sense for someone who has failed to marry again? Hardly anyone considers this question seriously, and even though we know the answer in advance, it is wise to give this question some thought.

Though it is generally true that it takes two to tango and only one to "untango," there is hardly a divorce in which the break-up is exclusively the fault of one of the partners. So, it behooves any divorced person to engage in serious soul-searching before remarrying, to contemplate what will be done differently so that the next marriage will endure.

Anyone who fails to do this before remarrying is irresponsible and not ready for remarriage. One who cannot recognize his mistakes and learn from them is bound to repeat them. This common-sense observation falls into the general ambit of "Love your fellow Jew as yourself " (Levitcus 19:18), which is Talmudically understood as the obligation to engage in the type of activity that will enhance the viability of an impending marriage.¹

Following Death

A second marriage following the death of one's spouse poses other challenges. One may wrestle with various emotions when contemplating remarriage. The unease can affect one's ability to remarry even years after the death.

It is odd that many people are more likely to question a marriage following the death of a spouse than one following a divorce. The key element in this upside-down reaction is the loyalty factor. No loyalty is expected towards a divorced spouse, but loyalty is expected towards the deceased spouse.

A good first marriage naturally begets a second marriage.

There are those who regard remarrying as an act of betrayal. But if loyalty means maintaining whatever was built in the first marriage, it is entirely likely that the surviving partner can more successfully accomplish this with an understanding new partner.

Another faulty perception is that a remarriage reflects negatively on the former spouse. A good first marriage naturally begets a second marriage. If anything, remarrying testifies to how good the first marriage was, good enough to warrant another marriage.

Loyalty needs to be viewed from a Torah perspective. Clearly, the Torah mandate to marry is not to give marriage a try; it is to be married. If a first marriage is terminated, the imperative to marry remains.² How can the fulfillment of a Torah mandate be considered disloyal?

Children

A second marriage, similar to a first marriage, should not be hurried into. This is especially important because of the many factors present in second marriages that are usually not present in first marriages. The most obvious of these is children.

Children of all ages are vulnerable, albeit in different ways, following either their parents' divorce or the death of a parent. This vulnerability can be manifested in a child viewing the potential newcomer to the family matrix as an intruder, threatening to take away the time and affection of the parent upon whom the child most relies.

The remarrying parent needs to make a genuine effort to understand and address the child's concerns. This is best achieved by listening carefully, acknowledging that his worries are not crazy, wild ruminations and assuring him that he will always be loved and looked after. It helps even more if the newcomer goes out of her way to befriend the child, and does things with him together with the biological parent. Actions that reinforce words go a long way.

The new spouse joins the family out of love for the children's parent, deeply committed to doing what is best for the stepchildren.

A newcomer must never come into a family with the attitude that he will replace a parent. The proper attitude is that the new spouse is joining the family out of love for the children's parent, and is, therefore, deeply committed to doing what is best for the stepchildren. Children are a potential block to remarriage, but they need not be.

It helps if the children realize that it is important for the parent to be content. Parenting always works better in contentedness than in melancholy. Children will be the prime beneficiaries of parental happiness. When parents are happy, children can prosper.

It is also important for the children to realize that their parent has an ongoing mandate to be married, and that remarriage is therefore a Torah-based endeavor. This realization can help to neutralize potential resistance to remarriage. Younger children are less likely to be able to appreciate this; unfortunately, even older children and adults do not automatically embrace this perspective.

Many children make up their minds in advance, sight unseen, that they will not like their stepparent. Even if they can point to some objectionable character trait of the stepparent, it does not justify behaving disdainfully, nor does it excuse their doing whatever possible to disrupt the new relationship.

First, as is codified in Jewish law, children are obliged to extend deferential respect to the spouse of their parent, as part of the respect that is due to their parents.³Second, and perhaps more to the point, is the meaning of the famous, previously cited obligation to love one's fellow Jews as oneself. This is considered a, if not the, fundamental of the Torah. If we are serious about being Torah Jews, we cannot ignore any detail, least of all a foundation.

In his outstanding ethical treatise, Pele Yoetz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo observes that the Torah obligation to love others is not necessary when dealing with close friends. There the love is already present, and a Torah directive is hardly required. The directive is necessary when dealing with someone whom one does not like. It is specifically here that the Torah instruction to love one's fellow Jew is needed.⁴ For children who, for whatever reason, do not like the stepparent, the imperative to love others is crucial, assuming they are mature enough to appreciate this mitzvah.

This is not to suggest that it is a one-way relationship. The stepparent is also apt to dislike the children; she certainly is prone to not like them as much as her own children. But the directive "you shall love" works both ways, from children to stepparent and from stepparent to children.

When the commandment to love others is the operating framework, a second marriage cannot only survive, it can thrive and benefit everyone. When it is not the operating framework, problems abound. And though solutions can be found, they are usually Band-Aids.

Everyone involved should try taking the high road, the accepting approach. Pleasantness and acceptance always work better than nastiness and rejection. With the former, everyone is a winner; with the latter, everyone is a loser.

Finances

Finances are often a sticky point in second marriages. The newlyweds bring their own financial resources and obligations to the new reality. Ideally, it is best if the couple fuses everything together instead of creating the threefold division of mine, yours and ours.

Sometimes this is not practical, especially if funds are legally designated for the children of one of the spouses. The most prudent arrangement is for each spouse to agree, happily, not to touch those designated funds. But it is likewise less than prudent to insist on a strict yours-mine formula, wherein the new husband, for example, refuses to have anything to do with the expenses of the new wife's children. That will likely spill over into a distant, hands-off relationship with the stepchildren, which is also the first step toward marital calamity. One remarries in entirety, not in parts.

The Former (Divorced) Spouse

The former spouse is often a sore point in the new marriage. This is usually a reflection of the relationship that the newly married individual has with the former spouse. Though it might be farfetched to expect that the relationship with one's ex be very good, it is not farfetched to expect that it be functional. It is unfair for the innocent newcomer to the family to be dragged into old messes.

In the Jewish way of thinking, the relationship with one's former spouse is subject to specific requirements, under the heading of "and from your own kin be not oblivious" (Isaiah 58:7).⁵

Marriage is forever, even after divorce. And the obligation to be a mensch pertains even after divorce.

This is true even if the divorcing couple have no children, and certainly prevails when there are children. The elementary halachic logic in this is as follows: A couple who do not get along (after divorce or when married) invariably put the children into the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. The children are then forced to violate their obligation to honor and respect both of their parents. The sparring ex-spouses thus transgress the all-encompassing and morally powerful exhortation not to put stumbling blocks in front of the blind (those who are unaware).⁶ Striving to get along after divorce is not only sensible, it is halachically required.

The Former (Deceased) Spouse

Obviously, the new partner should respect the memory of the deceased spouse. On the other hand, the remarrying spouse must recognize that his primary responsibility is now to the new marital partner. No one wants to be in "second place." The remarrying partner needs to be sensitive to this.

Neither the husband nor the wife should overtly engage in mournful activity that conveys that the first partner is still actively present in the heart of the surviving spouse. Which activities are thereby precluded is a matter of dispute in Jewish Law.⁷

The complications here are best expressed in the observation by Rabbi Yehiel Yaakov Weinberg,⁸ to the effect that at the same time that we need to take into account the feelings of the second spouse, we also need to appreciate the feelings of the children, who will be pained if they see that their surviving parent has completely forgotten their deceased parent.

As stated earlier, regarding all the unique challenges of a second marriage (or any marriage), choosing "the ways of pleasantness" is the best option. This approach brings out the best in the couple. The joy and fulfillment in the marital relationship will then spill over to the entire family.

Being sensitive, even self-transcending – especially in trying circumstances – rather than being selfish and self-centered is the most vital ingredient in assuring marital success.

Reprinted with permission from Jewish Action of the Orthodox Union

NOTES:

1. See, for example, Berachot 23a, Ketuvot 66a, Menachot 93b and Bechorot 35b. A fuller explanation of this idea is found in my Jewish Marriage: A Halakhic Ethic (New York, 1986), 90-92.

2. See further Even Haezer 1:8, Hilchot Ishut 15:16 and Hilchot Issurei Biah 21:26. On the binding nature of the le'erev obligation (not to desist from procreation in later years), Rabbi Zerahyah HaLevi (Hamaor Hagadol) in Alfasi to Yevamot 62b seesle'erev as a rabbinic obligation, with Ramban seeing it as a recommended way of living, but not as a rabbinic obligation. This becomes a matter of contention only after the procreative obligation has been fulfilled. See further my Jewish Marriage, 133-135; 230-231.

3. Yoreh Deah 240:21.

4. Pele Yoetz, under the category "Sin'ah."

5. See further Yerushalmi Ketuvot 11:3, which states that this verse applies to one's divorced partner; divorced spouses are therefore not total strangers after the marriage collapses.

6. Vayikra 19:14; Torat Kohanim, ad. loc.; Moed Katan 17a and Yoreh Deah 334:47.

7. See further Rabbi Yekutiel Greenwald, Kol Bo al Avelut (New York, 1965), 404 and Rabbi Yehiel Yaakov Weinberg, Seridei Aish 2, no. 136, regarding maintaining theyahrtzeit for one's first wife or husband.

8. Toward the end of the response cited above. Marriage is forever, even after divorce. And the obligation to be a mensch pertains even after divorce.