The Biggest Mistake Married Couples Make

The Biggest Mistake Married Couples Make

I recall once getting a call from a friend who told me that after many years of marriage they were calling it quits and getting a divorce. They were not youngsters and the gentleman explained to me that it was not over anything dramatic such as an affair or significant change in finances but simply that they "had grown apart."

It always saddens me when I hear this to be the reason for the dissolution of a marriage because I feel there was the good possibility that this outcome could have very easily been avoided. I am sure there were many things I am unaware of that went on in the privacy of his marriage and, while I understand that each relationship is unique, there are nevertheless certain truths and rules of relationships that breed success or lack thereof as the case may be.

I think I can probably guess how couples "grow apart.. And what makes this phenomenon problematic is that it is such a slow and insidious process that many couples aren't even aware that it is taking place in their lives before it is too late.

It goes kinda like this:

When a couple first meet they are very excited about one another. There is energy and discovery in the relationship and they spend tons of time together getting to know one another. The courtship process continues this way until the big day, the wedding, and then some. The first years are hopeful, energetic, dynamic and bursting with excitement.

”Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all? Oh, who are we to turn each other's heads?” – Ellie Goulding

But as the years go by and the young couple settles into a certain routine, new events enter and creep into their lives. There is making a living, a child or two or three show up; they have their interests, some shared, most not. The job(s) have their demands, kids get older; there is carpool, homework, after school activities. They look for and buy a home and that too has many demands of time, energy and effort. Not only is there mortgage, but new furnishings, fixing old ones, a sprinkler system that always seems to be on the blink, redoing the bathroom, getting rid of the old smelly carpet and "shall we choose laminated wood, engineered wood or solid; how about bamboo, I hear it is ecological?"

And so the older the couple gets, the more stuff happens in their lives to involve their time and attention. And while all of these issues are certainly important, the couple finds that they no longer have time and energy for each other. And so their relationship gets relegated to the back-burner because there are so many imminent and important things to take care of.

And, lo and behold, before they know it, not only is that spark from their dating days long dead, there is very little sharing happening between these two folks as they become strangers to each other like two ships passing in the night.

You see, if this couple who are now in their, let's say, 10th or 20th year of marriage would go back in time and revisit those days of early courtship they would find something very fascinating. They would see that when they told their friends that they had "just met the greatest guy/girl in the world", they didn't describe him/her like this: "Hey, he is so terrific, he is going to make every mortgage payment on time and not only that but every car payment too!... and for two cars!... and both cars will be luxury vehicles!!" He certainly did not tell his friends, "She is the best... she is going to be so good at car-pooling and making sure the house is clean and orderly and I just know that she is going to find the best pediatrician for our kids once we have some!!"

And while it is true that making mortgage and car payments on time are important, and finding a good pediatrician and caring for the kids is as well, this is not why you married. You married them because of who they are as a person, because you enjoyed spending time and sharing life with them. You married them for their soul, for their spirit, for who they are and not for what they would do or accomplish.

But people forget this and lose sight of it because when they first dated, it came naturally and effortlessly. But once real life happened and there was more on the table, they forget that now they have to make much more of an effort to be with one another. They didn't shift gears to realize they have to fight for their time to be intimate - and I don't just mean physically, although that too! They never told their kids, "No, it's Daddy and Mommy's time" and didn't do the same to their jobs, their smartphones, their computers and every other important obligation that seemed more pressing and important than one another.

Because if you don't fight for your relationship, if you don't nurture it, if you fail to constantly monitor it to ensure that it is healthy and vibrant, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies. Maybe not the first day or week or month or year, but eventually it will ... ever so slowly.

A couple "grows apart" because they failed to put in the necessary care and time to ensure that they grow together and toward each other. And while every couple is guilty of this on some level, those who have an awareness of its danger have a chance at ensuring it doesn't harm their relationship beyond repair.

So put down your iPhone, get away from the TV, tell your kids to get lost (in a nice way), forget Home Depot and go and grab your spouse, get a bottle of wine, have a glass or two, look her in the eye and capture what was when you first dated her so very long ago.

This essay is dedicated to my daughter, Atara and her fiancé Avi Gordon with the hope and wish that they take its lesson to heart to ensure that they have a long, blessed and happy marriage.

Brave by Maccabeats

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4ShxU1MEOM

Deciphering g-ds messages Zev Ballen

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/spirituality_and_faith/spiritual_growth/deciphering_g_ds_messages.aspx?id=24252&language=english

There's a young man, let's call him Alex, who is learning how to decipher G-d's messages, and who is acting on what G-d is trying to tell him. Recently, Alex and his wife went out and bought a new car, which was a big purchase for them. They agreed that Alex would use the car one day a week, and that his wife would have it the rest of the time. Alex could do most of what he needed to do very easily traveling by bus and train, but his wife was with the kids, or going shopping, and having the car would make a huge difference to how quickly and easily she could complete her chores.
 
Thursday was meant to be Alex's car day, but it started to happen that every single Thursday, his wife was asking him if she could have the car instead. The first week, no problem. By the second week already, Alex is starting to feel uncomfortable: she's asking him for the car again, but she's a reasonable person, and she knows Thursday is his car day. What's going on here? He tries to talk to his wife about it, and she offers to take him wherever he wants on Thursday, to drop him off and pick him up. But she still needs the car… Alex is finding it hard to agree. After all those years of no car, and now his one day to drive himself around, wherever he wants, without having to worry about anyone else's schedule or timetable. The freedom of the open road… Before they know it, this couple is having fights every single week about the car.
 
In the old days, this could have got very complicated, very quickly. Alex would be feeling very disgruntled about how unfair the whole situation is, but now, he goes to speak to G-d about it instead. "G-d, please let me understand what's going on here. I've read the Garden of Peace, and I'm remembering now that the world is a mirror, and that everything is a message from You. What are You trying to tell me through my wife? I know that she's the speaker system that's amplifying the message that you want me to get. What it is?"
 
As he's praying, he's slowing himself down, he's getting 'present', he's getting more and more truthful with G-d, and then he gets clarity: 'give your wife the car on Thursday, and don't fight about it.' G-d doesn't tell him why it has to be that way, and it's really not obvious to Alex what's going on, but he accepts that G-d doesn't always tell us the secret behind why He's asking us to do certain things. 
 
So Alex goes home, and he tells his wife: 'you take the car.' She says: 'but it' your day, you take it! He explains how he thought it over, talked to G-d about it in his personal prayer and says that he really wants her to have the car on Thursdays. Problem solved. Then, the thought strikes him that Thursday is the best day for him to be in the main office; it's the only day when all of the key players are in the same place, and he can sit with them all on that one day, instead of chasing after everyone throughout the week, and get a lot more done. Wow! That's why G-d was making it so hard for him to get the car on Thursday. Alex tells his wife that she was a good messenger of the Divine Will for him, so that she wouldn't feel guilty, and they picked a different day for Alex to get the car.
 
There is so much for us to learn from this story. We see that when a person doesn't fight, when he backs off and accepts that everything is coming as a message from G-d, for his own good, then he makes himself into a vessel that can actually receive the message. Once we let go of what we think, and start acting according to the messages that G-d is sending us, then very quickly, He usually lets us see the underlying rationale. Why was there all the abrasiveness between Alex and his loving, reasonable wife every Thursday? Simply, because G-d wanted Alex to get a lot more done with his team on that day.
 
Instead of trying to fight against G-d's decisions, Alex is now working with G-d's Divine Providence, and acknowledging that G-d is running the world. When we act on the messages that G-d sends to each one of us in this way, we create a tremendous revelation of G-d's kingship in the world. When we recognize how intimately G-d is bringing about every aspect of our lives, we become a partner with G-d, and we reveal His glory in the world. That in turn brings tremendous blessings into our lives. 
 

The holy nation by Rivka Levy

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/judaism/concepts_in_judaism/living_for_real.aspx?id=24740&language=english

Part 1 of “A Holy Nation”   When we're connected to G-d, we have an answer to every single problem in our lives, be it financial issues, health scares, problem marriages, problem kids or a nuclear Iran (to name but a few).   But when we don't have - or don't feel - a connection to G-d, our internal issues and external problems can literally drown us in a sea of unending misery, sadness and despair.   So then, the $64,000 question is: what is stopping so many of us from being connected to G-d? Why are so many of us apparently being 'blocked' from developing a relationship with Creator of the World? That's exactly what this series of articles is going to be exploring over the next few weeks.   The Big Four   For the purposes of these articles, there are four main areas that result in people becoming 'disconnected' from G-d, themselves, and the people around them. This type of disconnection happens when: * People are lying to themselves, and to others, and refusing to accept or live truth; * People have bad character traits, like jealousy, anger, worry, or arrogance etc; * People don't keep the mitzvoth as set out in the Torah - 613 mitzvot for Jews, and the seven Noachide commandments for non-Jews; (and last, but definitely not least…) * People get disconnected when they engage in sexual immorality, which is probably the biggest problem of them all, as we'll soon see. Let's work through this list, to see how the 'disconnect' occurs in each case.   1. Living a lie   The soul is the 'real' us, our authentic self. The trouble is, so many of us these days were raised in homes and environments which were either 'empty' of G-d, or worse, were outright 'anti'-G-d. As a result, many of us have been cut off from our 'authentic selves' (ie, our souls) from a very young age, which is a prime reason why so many people feel disconnected and 'plastic' and superficial.   Some people got disconnected because they experienced some seriously messed-up parenting, with no conditional love and lashings of guilt, manipulation, cruelty, control and criticism.   Other people got disconnected because they had some very painful experiences as a child, like being hospitalized for six months; or losing someone very close to them; or being terribly bullied in school etc. But whatever the prime or main cause, the result was that we 'disconnected' from our true selves, and switched off our real feelings.   Hashem's seal is truth. When we are lying to ourselves about what we really feel about ourselves, our parents, our spouses, our kids etc, we not only cut ourselves off from our 'real' self and go into superficial 'plastic' mode, we also cut ourselves off from Hashem.   Today, when you ask someone how they are feeling, they will usually respond that they think that they are feeling such and such emotion. But that's not feeling, that's thinking. When people don't know how to relate to their own feelings, they find it very hard to connect to anyone around them, including their spouses, their kids and G-d.   There are a few key ways to repair this type of disconnect, where the emphasis needs to be on re-establishing a connection between the person and their 'authentic self', or soul. Top of the list for fixing this problem is hitbodedut, or personal prayer, where people talk to G-d for an hour or day.   Each hour of personal prayer will uncover another deeper, level of your soul, and make it easier for your authentic self to shine through. Developing a connection to the true righteous people, or tzadikim, of the generation also helps tremendously, because they see us as we truly are, and can help us to rediscover our internal reality and beauty 'from the outside in'.   And lastly, we have to ask G-d to help us to start telling the truth about what we're really feeling about our life, and ourselves, and the people in it, at least to ourselves, even when it's very painful to face up to that reality.   2. Bad Character Traits   The second reason we feel 'disconnected' from G-d and from ourselves and others is because of our own unacknowledged bad character traits. (Incidentally, all of these categories are interconnected; for example, a person who is living a lie will be in complete denial that they have bad character traits, yet all of us have these bad traits, whether it's anger, jealousy, arrogance, fear, worry, sadness etc.)    If we didn't have any more work to do on ourselves, there would be no reason for us to continue to be down here in this world, and G-d would call our souls back to everlasting bliss in the Garden of Eden. If we're still alive, it's because we still have work to do - and there are no exceptions to this rule.   If we aren't doing some serious, truthful soul-searching every day, and really trying to examine our thoughts, words and deeds as objectively as possible to see where we need to improve, we have no idea how bad we really are, or how much trouble we're actually bringing on ourselves.   When we don't do this sort of regular soul searching and introspection (usually, as part of our daily personal prayer), we lie to ourselves that the problems in our lives are all everyone else's, which causes three things to happen: * Firstly, other people (including family members) disconnect from us - because we're very unpleasant to be around; * Secondly, we have no real interest in being connected to G-d - because then, we'd have to own up to all the things about ourselves that are actually not very nice, and we'd have to make some effort to change, repent and improve; and lastly * We become disconnected from reality. 'Reality' is that we all have things we need to work on and fix, and that these bad character traits are usually the prime cause of our own issues and interpersonal problems. If we don't accept that reality, we start living superficial, plastic, 'unreal' lives.  As soon as we try to make teshuva for our bad character traits, and to accept we have them, we instantly connect back to ourselves, to G-d, to good, and our lives start to make a 180 turnaround.   Remember the mirror principle!   If something is bothering us in others, it's because we still have work to do in that same area within ourselves.    Also, Rav Arush and others teach that where there's noderech eretz, or good character traits, there is no Torah. It's like trying to build a palace on no foundation - it's dangerous and it will collapse with the first gust of wind (or the first real test of faith.)    Next week, we'll look at how keeping mitzvoth and sexual purity helps us to keep connected to G-d.     * * * Check out Rivka Levy's new book The Happy Workshop based on the teachings of Rabbi Shalom Arush

Dear Emuna: Cheating Husband

Dear Emuna: Cheating Husband

Dear Emuna,

Nine months ago I found out that my husband of 11 years cheated on me. I have had a very hard time getting over it and trusting him again. He swears that it will never happen again and regrets what occurred but it's just not the same anymore. I love him to death and just want everything back to normal again. I don't understand why it happened. We always had a very good marriage and communication between us was great; even our bedroom time was the best. Where did things go wrong?

I am scared and confused. I also tried to commit suicide and was helped just in time. I was so confused and the medicine I was on did not work with my emotions. We are trying again but I still think about it every day. Please give advice how to overcome this shock. My husband was my first love and only one ever and I was his first too. That is why it’s so difficult; something special between us was broken. Please help me rebuild the confidence again because I can see that he is trying.

Really Hurt Wife

Dear Really Hurt,

This is a very hard one. Before you can rebuild your marriage, please look into getting some serious psychiatric help. If you tried to kill yourself, you need much more help than an advice column can give you. In addition to rebuilding your marriage, you need to heal your deeper psychological wounds. So please get help immediately.

As far as your marriage goes, I certainly understand how hurt and betrayed you feel. But you need to make a choice. If you really want your marriage to have a chance, you can't keep harping on this event. You have to look to the future, not the past. You probably need some couples' counseling that will allow you to examine together what led to this behavior on your husband's part. What aspects of your marriage need fixing? You are right. Something special was broken. Things will never go back to normal; certainly not the normal that was before. But you can create a new normal – with good will and some good therapeutic interventions.

I don't think the two of you can manage this alone. As I mentioned, I think you need some individual help for your suicidal tendencies, your husband may need some individual help to examine his own motivations and actions and you probably need help as a couple. Don't wait too long to get it.

Additionally, if ever there was a time for prayer and Divine help, this is certainly one of them. You can't do this alone and you should pray constantly, asking the Almighty to help the two of you to move forward. I hope and pray that the new year will be a time of healing for both of you.

Dear Emuna,

My husband likes me to travel with him on business trips. He says that my emotional support is very important to him. I try to go when I can and when the kids at home don't need me. But I get a little frustrated. When we are on the trip, he is frequently busy talking to his business colleagues and I am left sitting by myself. I'm not sure what to do. We end up fighting about it all the time.

Any words of wisdom for me?

Staying Home in the Future

Dear Homebody,

It can't be said too often that all relationships, and marriage in particular, are about compromise. No one party can get their way all the time. In this situation, there are a number of needs to balance – your husband's needs, your children's needs and your needs, which includes the emotional and the practical. Often situations that seem quite frustrating and differences that seem irreconcilable when we are in the middle of them can actually be resolved fairly simply and practically.

I don't know how often your husband travels for business. You don't mention how far he travels or how long he is away at a time. But I imagine the "negotiations" would beginning with dividing his trips in half and your agreeing to perhaps accompany him on half of his trips instead of all of them. That's step one.

Step two would be to see if he could help you manage your home and other responsibilities to make it easier for you to come.

Step three might involve finding a way for you to fulfill some of those responsibilities while away – skyping with the kids, telecommuting for your own job etc.

Step four might include giving you a more proactive role in the business events so that you don't feel that you are solely an appendage to your husband and that there is no meaningful role for you to play. This is neither magic nor rocket science but it does involve hard work on both parties, a real spirit of cooperation and an ability to give in or let go.

That's why step five is prayer. Ask the Almighty to help you work it out, to give you the strength and the insight, the ability and the determination. And most of all the good will. With good will and a real desire to make this work for both of you and to satisfy each other's needs, I am confident that you will be able to resolve this issue to your and your husband's satisfaction.

Dear Emuna,

Sometimes my spouse makes jokes about me in public. He thinks they're funny but I think they're disrespectful and mean. I would like him to stop but he says that I have no sense of humor. I'm really hurt. What should I do?

Wife in Pain

Dear Wife in Pain,

As everyone (except perhaps your husband) recognizes, there is some truth in every joke. That is why you find it hurtful. Therefore he shouldn't make jokes about you, even in private. And even if this is the exception and your husband's jokes really do not contain even an iota of truth, the fact that you find them painful is all that counts. Any activity, even a seemingly innocuous one, that one spouse finds hurtful, should immediately be stopped.

My husband doesn't like the smell of gum. It's not an allergy, it's not painful or hurtful but since he doesn't like it, I try (not always successfully) not to chew any around him. How much more so should we be sensitive to behaviors that actually cause our spouses emotional pain.

If your husband refuses to stop, even after repeated conversations – and they should be conversations, not arguments or diatribes – then you need to get a third party involved to help mediate the issue. It is not healthy for either of you to allow the situation to continue as is.

Dear Emuna: Cheating Husband

Dear Emuna: Cheating Husband

Dear Emuna,

Nine months ago I found out that my husband of 11 years cheated on me. I have had a very hard time getting over it and trusting him again. He swears that it will never happen again and regrets what occurred but it's just not the same anymore. I love him to death and just want everything back to normal again. I don't understand why it happened. We always had a very good marriage and communication between us was great; even our bedroom time was the best. Where did things go wrong?

I am scared and confused. I also tried to commit suicide and was helped just in time. I was so confused and the medicine I was on did not work with my emotions. We are trying again but I still think about it every day. Please give advice how to overcome this shock. My husband was my first love and only one ever and I was his first too. That is why it’s so difficult; something special between us was broken. Please help me rebuild the confidence again because I can see that he is trying.

Really Hurt Wife

Dear Really Hurt,

This is a very hard one. Before you can rebuild your marriage, please look into getting some serious psychiatric help. If you tried to kill yourself, you need much more help than an advice column can give you. In addition to rebuilding your marriage, you need to heal your deeper psychological wounds. So please get help immediately.

As far as your marriage goes, I certainly understand how hurt and betrayed you feel. But you need to make a choice. If you really want your marriage to have a chance, you can't keep harping on this event. You have to look to the future, not the past. You probably need some couples' counseling that will allow you to examine together what led to this behavior on your husband's part. What aspects of your marriage need fixing? You are right. Something special was broken. Things will never go back to normal; certainly not the normal that was before. But you can create a new normal – with good will and some good therapeutic interventions.

I don't think the two of you can manage this alone. As I mentioned, I think you need some individual help for your suicidal tendencies, your husband may need some individual help to examine his own motivations and actions and you probably need help as a couple. Don't wait too long to get it.

Additionally, if ever there was a time for prayer and Divine help, this is certainly one of them. You can't do this alone and you should pray constantly, asking the Almighty to help the two of you to move forward. I hope and pray that the new year will be a time of healing for both of you.

Dear Emuna,

My husband likes me to travel with him on business trips. He says that my emotional support is very important to him. I try to go when I can and when the kids at home don't need me. But I get a little frustrated. When we are on the trip, he is frequently busy talking to his business colleagues and I am left sitting by myself. I'm not sure what to do. We end up fighting about it all the time.

Any words of wisdom for me?

Staying Home in the Future

Dear Homebody,

It can't be said too often that all relationships, and marriage in particular, are about compromise. No one party can get their way all the time. In this situation, there are a number of needs to balance – your husband's needs, your children's needs and your needs, which includes the emotional and the practical. Often situations that seem quite frustrating and differences that seem irreconcilable when we are in the middle of them can actually be resolved fairly simply and practically.

I don't know how often your husband travels for business. You don't mention how far he travels or how long he is away at a time. But I imagine the "negotiations" would beginning with dividing his trips in half and your agreeing to perhaps accompany him on half of his trips instead of all of them. That's step one.

Step two would be to see if he could help you manage your home and other responsibilities to make it easier for you to come.

Step three might involve finding a way for you to fulfill some of those responsibilities while away – skyping with the kids, telecommuting for your own job etc.

Step four might include giving you a more proactive role in the business events so that you don't feel that you are solely an appendage to your husband and that there is no meaningful role for you to play. This is neither magic nor rocket science but it does involve hard work on both parties, a real spirit of cooperation and an ability to give in or let go.

That's why step five is prayer. Ask the Almighty to help you work it out, to give you the strength and the insight, the ability and the determination. And most of all the good will. With good will and a real desire to make this work for both of you and to satisfy each other's needs, I am confident that you will be able to resolve this issue to your and your husband's satisfaction.

Dear Emuna,

Sometimes my spouse makes jokes about me in public. He thinks they're funny but I think they're disrespectful and mean. I would like him to stop but he says that I have no sense of humor. I'm really hurt. What should I do?

Wife in Pain

Dear Wife in Pain,

As everyone (except perhaps your husband) recognizes, there is some truth in every joke. That is why you find it hurtful. Therefore he shouldn't make jokes about you, even in private. And even if this is the exception and your husband's jokes really do not contain even an iota of truth, the fact that you find them painful is all that counts. Any activity, even a seemingly innocuous one, that one spouse finds hurtful, should immediately be stopped.

My husband doesn't like the smell of gum. It's not an allergy, it's not painful or hurtful but since he doesn't like it, I try (not always successfully) not to chew any around him. How much more so should we be sensitive to behaviors that actually cause our spouses emotional pain.

If your husband refuses to stop, even after repeated conversations – and they should be conversations, not arguments or diatribes – then you need to get a third party involved to help mediate the issue. It is not healthy for either of you to allow the situation to continue as is.

How to Reduce Your Phone Bill Rabbi Brody

How to Reduce Your Phone Bill

A woman wants to feel that her mate is her best friend, a father, a mother, and a confidant all rolled into one. She needs the security that she'll be loved and accepted no matter what she does. She feels calm in knowing that even if she makes a mistake, he won't criticize her. She certainly doesn't need the type of husband that acts like the state's witness – when she tells him her troubles, he points an accusing finger at her, blames her, and belittles her. Soon, she won't share her thoughts with him and their lines of communication will be severed; he can only blame himself for the subsequent crisis that will surely arise.

Caution – as long as a wife seeks the ear of a girlfriend, it's a warning sign that she can't pour her heart out to her husband. As long as she needs the constant backing and encouragement of her parents, it's a warning sign that she doesn't get enough love and support from her husband. As long as she spends hours on the telephone, it's a warning sign that she lacks an attentive and receptive ear from her husband.

Beloved brothers, give your wife at least a half hour (barest minimum!) of quality one-on-one time every day with a listening ear; you'll not only have a better marriage, but your phone bill will be at least 30% less. Try it!

By the way, cellular phones were created for shalom bayit, for marital peace, so a husband can call home twice a day and tell his wife that he's thinking about her. You can't imagine what this will do for your marriage.

- See more at: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com/lazer_beams/2010/12/whose_ear_does_.html#sthash.gF81K7Ox.aMik0riB.dpuf

Taking the Marital Initiative by Rabbi Lazer Brody

Taking the Marital Initiative

My beloved teacher and spiritual guide Rav Shalom Arush, may Hashem bless him, says that the only way to rebuild our national Holy Temple is if each one of us first builds his personal Holy Temple - that is shalom bayit, or marital peace.

Hashem flashed an interesting thought in my brain: The Zohar says that one's spouse is like The other half of the same soul. So, since our spouse is the other half, let him or her be represented by the letter "T". We are represented by the first-person singular pronoun, in other words, the letter "I". In order for us to maintain and cultivate marital peace, the "I" must take the initiative, in other words, make the first move. He or she must should never say, "Let the other side be OK, and then I'll be OK." So, in "marital peace", the I must come before the T.

Yet, we often hear warring couple entrenched in their positions, with neither side making a move to bring peace in the home. One partner says, "let the other side change his/her ways, and then I'll follow suit." That only leads to more hostilities and more unhappiness. So if they take the word marital, and misplace the I and the T - putting the responsibility on the "T" - the other side - rather than on the "I", the result is disastrous. Marital becomes Martial, and that's bad news. 

Let's each take the iniative to build our own personal Holy Temple, and thereby hastening the full redemption of our people and the rebuilding of our Holy Temple, speedily and in our days, amen. Have a great Shabbat, and warmest regards from the lovely Land of Emuna. 

- See more at: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com/lazer_beams/marriage_and_family/page/3/#sthash.72ejFdWs.dpuf

15 Ways to Attract Love into Your Life

15 Ways to Attract Love into Your Life

Tu Bav literally the 15th day of the month of Av, is a joyful moment in the Jewish year. It’s a day of energy and love, with a special emphasis on marriage. Although it has hardly any religious rituals, it is a day known as an auspicious time for dating, engagements and weddings. What potential!

But what if the day ends and you still haven’t met your soul mate? Did you miss your chance? Should you give up and wait for next year? Of course not! While there is a special energy to this day, you have an opportunity every day to draw your soul mate closer. In honor of Tu B’Av, here are 15 ways to attract love into your life.

1. Love thyself

Are we are looking for love in all the wrong places? With or without your soul mate, you will always do best when you start by loving yourself. This means acting in loving ways towards yourself. I’m not speaking about ego; I’m talking about taking loving care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to come along and take care of you. What have you done for you lately?

2. Receive love from others

Your soul mate, whether or not you’ve already met, will be one of many people who love you. Today, practice receiving love from someone in your life. What will your reaction be to someone who shares random acts of love with you?

3. Sparking the flame

Every season comes with its own special gifts. The season of love is no exception. This is a great time of year to spark feelings of love in someone else with loving gestures. Like a candle flame, love won’t diminish when shared; rather it will bring more love and light into the world. How will you share love today and ignite love in another?

4. Thank someone for acting with love

We are surrounded by loving people. Today, choose to see the love that surrounds you. How will you express gratitude to someone who acts lovingly towards you?

5. Make a list

Think back to moments in time where you felt loved. Who made you feel loved? How did they express their love? List 5 moments where you felt loved and write down what made you feel that way.

6. I’m loving you

“I love you” is a statement. But love is a verb! So really, we should be saying, “I’m loving you.” How do we come to love another? Our love grows towards a person when we give to them. Whether it is your time, emotional support or physical help, giving to your loved ones is what builds the bond of love. What will you give today to develop and further your relationship with someone close to you?

7. Your theme song

Music can carry us to places that words cannot. Do you have a song that helps you to feel loved, safe and calm? Create a playlist of the songs which put a smile on your face and bring a loving feeling into your heart. From that list, pick one song to be your theme song. Your theme song will center you, lifting you up when you’re down and keeping you anchored when you’re high, so you can live and love with balance.

8. Love fearlessly

Don’t base your love on being loved back. Give love without the expectation of receiving anything in return, and feel good about it! Love is unconditional. Who do you love unconditionally? Why?

9. It just takes toothpaste

Did you know that you can shine silver with toothpaste? You don’t need fancy silver polishes to make your finest pieces shine. Simple, ordinary toothpaste: we all have it and we all use it for its normal purpose. But it can make more than just our teeth sparkle! Like toothpaste, we all have surprising versatility.Come up with one way to use your love that is different from what you’ve done in the past. Notice how this part of your life starts to shine.

10. A hot glue gun

A hot glue gun can fix many things. Heat + glue = connection. But what if you’re looking to connect emotionally? Then the equation looks more like: loving words + hearts = connection. It is a Jewish concept that words from the heart enter the heart. Whose heart will you strike today with loving words?

11. How do I love thee?

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...” Think of someone you love and list all the reasons why you love him or her. How many virtues can you list? Most of us have not focused on virtues enough. Without that focus, we are left noticing things that draw us further apart. Expanding your vocabulary of virtues will increase your connection to others. How many virtues can you list about someone you love? Discover 10 new words that help capture the essence of that person.

12. You look marvelous!

Some days you look in the mirror and love what you see. Other days you can’t bear to face yourself. This can often have more to do with how we feel than how we look. We present ourselves differently when we are feeling loved. Love plays a big part in how we feel; could it also play a part in how we dress? How do you dress when you are feeling loved?

13. I love you to death

We all have loved ones. But sometimes it takes the fear of death to bring us to express our love. Take a moment to express loving words to someone in your life who is alive and well.

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14. Actions speak louder than words

Hearing “I love you” feels good, whether it’s from a parent, sibling, good friend or spouse. A loving action, however, can go further. What loving actions do you prefer to perform and receive, and why?

15. 1+1=1

You know the phrase, “my other half.” Well, that lines up with Jewish wisdom, which teaches us that you and your soul mate are two halves of a whole. By taking care of your “other half” you are also taking care of yourself. Close your eyes and envision a loving relationship with your soul mate. What small daily acts of loving kindness are you looking forward to performing?

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There are endless forms of love that we receive from so many different people in our lives. You are already surrounded by those who love you; keep that in mind as we approach the Jewish day of love. I hope these ideas help you to deepen the loving feelings you share with those around you. And may those inner feelings of love attract your true love to you, and keep love growing always and in all ways.

New Jewish dating site for those looking at moving to Israel

Dear Emuna: Changing My Husband

Dear Emuna: Changing My Husband

Dear Emuna,

I have a wonderful husband. He cares about me, our children and the community. Sometimes I think he should do a little less for the community and a little more for his family (!) but most of the time I am proud of his volunteer work and his commitment to the Jewish people. My main complaint is that he lacks consistent follow through. If I point out ways in which he needs to change, he immediately accepts it upon himself but it never lasts. After a few days he reverts back to his old ways and I get frustrated. How can I help him?

(Don’t want to be) Nagging Wife

Dear Nagging Wife,

I think perhaps the first person you need to help is yourself. You don’t mention the areas lacking consistent follow through but I do know that no one, wives and husbands in particular, likes to receive constant criticism, constructive or not. Unless asked for, most of us are not looking for ways to change. Andnagging or in any way pestering about it has the least chance of success.

So what requires follow through? If it is practical chores, then there are practical solutions. Although many women want the items on their to-do list done yesterday, most men don’t operate that way. The best tip I have found is to make a list of items requiring attention and give each one a reasonable due date. For example, “If you could change the light bulbs in the dining room before Shabbat, I would really appreciate it.” “My parents are coming to visit next month; if you could have that new cabinet in the guest bathroom put together by then, that would be terrific.” “I’m really exhausted tonight; if you could wash the dishes and put them away so I don’t wake up to a messy kitchen, I would be grateful.” Each task is paired with an appropriate time frame, making it not too onerous or demanding and giving your husband some freedom of choice as to when he accomplishes these jobs. This usually works and eliminates the need for nagging.

On relationship issues, it’s a little more complicated. Maybe you want more attention (you do suggest that). Maybe you want him to follow through on his commitment to date night. And so on. To satisfy these desires, I suggest a two-pronged attack. One is to take initiative yourself. If you want a regular date night, hire a babysitter and make a plan. Don’t sit home waiting for him to do something and then sulk because he didn’t. If you just want your husband home more often, it will also require some effort on your part. Make his favorite dinner. Plan game night. Host events at your home. Make home so inviting he won’t want to leave. This is all prong number one.

Prong number two is praise. Tell him how much you enjoyed your date night, how stimulating the conversation was, what an original thinker he is, how much you enjoy listening to him speak, what a special evening at home last night was, how much fun it was to play games together. “You catch more bees with honey” is certainly a Torah idea although not a direct quote!

Lastly, there is always prayer. Pray for a good marriage. Pray for a good and loving husband. Pray to be a good wife. Pray to have the strength to deal with the challenges to your marriage. Pray for joy and happiness. If you focus on the positive through your prayer and your actions, I have no doubt that you will turn the situation around.

-- Emuna

CHANGING TERMS OF OUR MARRIAGE

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. For the first 23 years of our marriage we were in business together, working side by side to grow the company and support our family. We each brought different strengths to the business – he is more creative and I am more practical – so we had a division of labor and rarely (though of course not never!) quarreled. I really enjoyed working with him along with the sense that our goals were completely intertwined. Now he is bored and wants to leave me in charge of the business while he pursues a different avenue. I understand that he wants to branch out but it leaves me feeling hurt and alone. I feel like the terms of our marriage have changed and that we will no longer be as close as we used to be. I want to be supportive of him but I’m fighting constantly with him instead. Any advice?

Confused Wife

Dear Confused Wife,

People grow, evolve and change – and marriages need to respond accordingly. The main thing is that the central character traits of your husband remain constant. If he was kind, loyal and trustworthy when you married him, and he continues to embody those wonderful qualities, then the change is not destructive but an opportunity to stretch yourself, to grow in new and unexpected ways.

Marriages can become stagnant. Individuals may be trapped in their ruts. It doesn’t hurt to shake things up – in a positive way!

You probably wouldn’t want a husband who was never interested in anything new, who didn’t challenge you and promote a process of discovery. We want to take advantage of life’s many opportunities and we want our marriages to be living organisms.

This means that things won’t always stay the same (23 years is an unusually long track record). Try to face the change with excitement and anticipation. Try to imagine new growth for yourself, new expansion of character. Who knows what new adventure could be waiting around the corner?

At the very least, you need to be supportive of your husband and his needs. With good will and reciprocity, I’m sure that you will either reach a compromise or embrace the new experience.

-- Emuna

November 3-12, 2013 - Mark Your Calendar! Rabbi Shalom Arush GArden of emuna

November 3-12, 2013 - Mark Your Calendar!

Lori Platnik Rabbi Weinbergs marriage advice

http://www.aish.com/sp/lal/Rabbi-Weinbergs-Marriage-Advice.html

To Beard or not to Beard Rabbi Lazer Brody

To Beard or not to Beard

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

You might laugh at this question, but here goes anyway: I became religious three years ago, and thank G-d, my wife is cooperating (shabbos, kashrus, mikva, etc., although she still doesn't cover her hair). A year ago, I began learning Breslev books and I love them. I also own most of your CDs and live by them - they've helped me tremendously. Two months ago, I came to hear your lecture in Dallas; maybe you remember me - I'm the person that told you that your beard and payis are outrageously cool. After your talk, I was driving home with my wife and without thinking I told her that I would love to look like Rabbi Lazer Brody - a guy who's not ashamed to walk anywhere as a proud Jew, even here in Texas. She went beserk, and told me that if I change my appearance, she's out the door. We then had a war, and I'm still picking up the pieces. What do I do?

With respect and admiration, Mike from the Dallas area

Dear Mike,

Slow down, partner. Your wife is right - no change in your appearance at this point! As it is, shaving with an electric razor (in other words, not shaving with a blade razor) is a tremendous mitzva. Religious law doesn't require a Jew to look like me. When you're spiritually ready for a change, your wife will encourage it. Meanwhile, cherish her and respect her, because if you upset her, her mitzva observance might faulter, Heaven forbid. Look at her great points - she's observing Shabbat, keeping a kosher house, and going to mikva. Thousands of other men that aspire to have observant homes would be jealous of you.

In her eyes, you - as a baal tshuva - represent observant Judaism. If you're a kind, considerate, and loving husband, she'll want to please you and she'll cover her hair. If not, don't be surprised if she takes a slide, and it will be your fault. So have patience, my man, and polish up your Torah learning, your praying, and your knowledge of religious law, and your treatment of her. Make anger and criticism worse in your eyes than pork, and treat your wife with love and constant respect, no matter what. If you sincerely want to be a beard and payis chossid, don't worry; you'll get there - together with your wife when she decides to cover her hair.

Now, for first aid, take her out to the Glatt Indian restaurant, buy her flowers, and apologize for arguing. Then, you can invite me to your next bris or kiddush. Hope to see you again this coming November - we're planning to be back in Texas, G-d willing.

With blessings always, Lazer Brody

- See more at: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com/lazer_beams/marriage_and_family/page/2/#sthash.eX9fE7fY.dpuf

Love like Poision Racheli Reckles

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/love_like_poison.aspx?id=24643&language=english

Relationships can be very confusing- particularly in this day and age, when most of us don’t follow any accepted ground rules. The accepted dating etiquette has drastically changed, and not for the better, in my opinion. These days, anything goes. A woman can approach a man without feeling embarrassed or desperate. The life span of an average relationship has severely shortened, whether the couple is married or not. Changing romantic partners has morphed into a kind of wardrobe change: “Oh, Jason? He was so last summer!” 

Don’t believe me - take it from the women's magazines that you (shouldn't) see on the racks by the checkout counter of the supermarket: “New Summer, New Love”- it’s right there on the front cover of every issue, even if it’s winter… 
 
There is a big side effect to this "anything goes" mentality - people don’t understand what love means. And it’s not just limited to romantic love. I’ll get to that point later.
 
Here’s a typical relationship: the couple meets, maybe at a club or through friends. Their first date is at Starbuck’s or McDonald’s - something totally unromantic. They have an attraction for each other, so they decide to keep dating. Here’s where the trouble starts. In her mind, she’s exclusively dating him. In his mind, there was no exclusivity clause in the dating contract, so he’s legally free to date as many naïve girls as he wants. 
 
Eventually, she finds out about her Casanova’s all-you-can-date buffet, and dumps him. Or at least, she threatens to dump him. Then he starts pulling the, “But I love you!” nonsense, and before she knows it, she’s giving him a second chance. And a third. And maybe even a fourth. 
 
This scenario applies to married couples as well - there are plenty of relationships in which one spouse has repeatedly cheated on the other, yet they are given chance after chance to keep killing the other spouse.
 
This type of poisonous love also exists between family members. Some parents are repeated offenders in hurting their children’s feelings and destroying their fragile self esteems. And the poor children have little choice but to accept their parent’s seemingly genuine apologies as they set themselves up to feel like a human sacrifice over and over again.
 
Let’s get back to romantic relationships. The examples may differ, but the dynamic is still the same: one partner repeatedly does hurtful things to the other, yet manages to make his (or her) way back into the long-suffering arms of the "hurtee". This leads to tremendous confusion in the “victim’s” mind as to if this is the right person for them. 
 
Here’s a great general rule that Rabbi Brody advises young women who are on the market for a husband: go for the good heart. What does this mean, practically? 
 
It means that if a guy (for argument’s sake) is doing hurtful things to his love, yet saying sweet words after the fact or being extra-well behaved, ignore the “I’m sorry” business and take a good look at the hurtful actions. In an extreme case, we can look at emotional or physical abuse as a good example. The abuser usually is extra sorry or sweet, or romantic, or loving right after he abuses his victim. This causes the victim much confusion, as they don’t understand the “love” the abuser is showing them.
 
In less extreme situations, this confusion can apply to many unhealthy relationships. The resulting confusion is what I believe leads most people to stay in such destructive relationships. “Does he love me?” is the question the victims are constantly asking themselves.
 
Considering the aforementioned advice, the answer is a definite NO. A person with a good heart doesn’t repeatedly and intentionally hurt his loved ones. It doesn’t matter how sincerely and deeply they are sorry. They will strike again,because this is the way they show “love”.
 
If you’re in a confusing relationship like this one, though it may not be abusive, take a step back and look at your dynamic from an outsider’s perspective. You can even make a list and compare examples of hurtful actions vs. loving actions. See for yourself how the hurtful actions severely outweigh the loving actions.
 
To clarify, loving words are not considered loving actions. Do not confuse the two. If you find that the one who claims to love you does more harm than good, know that this is not love. It’s poison masked in pretty hearts and flowers. 
 
If you know that deep down it’s not a healthy, loving relationship, why are you still in it? Many times people stay in unhealthy relationships because they’re lonely or they don’t think they can find someone better. In this case, it’s time to seriously work on strengthening your emuna! Do you think G-d wants you to be stuck in a self-destructive relationship? You’re his child! Would you want your child to be in such pain? Of course not! 
 
“Then why did G-d send me such a person to hurt me?” you may ask. Let’s look at it this way - G-d sends people tests in their areas of weakness. To some, He may send a person to make them angry. To others, He may send a person to make them sad. G-d does this in order to expose your weak points so you can now focus on building and strengthening them. 
 
If a person has low self-esteem, G-d will likely send them someone who will keep pressing on those painful buttons in order to help that person develop her sense of self-worth. When she can say,“Enough! I deserve better!” this is a huge victory for her and a step in the right direction. She has made huge progress in her spiritual journey and soul correction.
 
It is more complicated when the relationship involves a parent and child, especially if the child is a minor. He is not yet mature enough to understand that this isn’t the way a parent is supposed to behave. In this case I would place the responsibility on the spouse or other guardian - they should have their eyes wide open for any hurtful actions from the other parent, particularly since they are aware of that person’s character traits.
 
If you find yourself in a poisonous relationship, here are two things you can do: read “The Garden of Emuna” and contact Dr. Zev Ballen, Breslev Israel’s Emuna Coach and Psychotherapist. You can reach him at zevballen@yahoo.com.

4 Ways to Fight with Your Spouse without Destroying your Marriage

4 Ways to Fight with Your Spouse without Destroying your Marriage

She is just a little girl but she has seen too much. A 10 year old asked if she could speak with me privately.

“What does it mean if I hear my mother crying in the night? And why does my father say, 'Tell your mother I’m not coming home for supper' and my mother says, 'Tell your father we are going out to get sneakers,' if they are both sitting right there?”

What is there to say?

All couples disagree about some things. For some it is in-laws, for others it is money, dividing up household responsibilities, or how to discipline the kids. As long as two individuals live together there will be always be different ideas and opinions. The issue becomes serious when parents don’t know how to resolve their disagreements with dignity and respect. Children grow up seeing constant conflict and hearing their parents bicker. They live with negativity and inappropriate ways of dealing with marital discord.

Kids wish that their home would be a happy home, one without yelling, arguing, or emotional withdrawals. When parents hold onto resentments or don’t know how to find good resolution, the children absorb the hostilities.

Marriage should never be thought of as a chronic pain. It can be our greatest source of happiness. We are living with our best friend, the person who shares all our joys, all our hurts; the person whose love we carry within our hearts forever. But when we lack the right tools to communicate properly, disagreements and conflicts can make married life miserable.

Judaism describes our homes as a ‘mikdash me’at,' a miniature sanctuary. Children need this haven to grow up feeling safe and secure. When we create an atmosphere of tension and strife in our homes, we slowly chip away not only at our marriages, but at the sense of emotional security that our children need to flourish in life.

How can a couple work out their differences without hurting each other and destroying their marriage?

4 STEPS TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION
WITHOUT KILLING OUR MARRIAGE

1. Keep your Discussions Private

When you know that there is a contentious issue, don’t clash in front of others. Decide together that from now on you will take your discussions to a private place at a private time. When you fight in public, you lose a sense of dignity and often feel ashamed. You blame your partner and now you grow even angrier. Children do not have to hear the details of your arguments being volleyed back and forth. If you say to me that children should be exposed to parental fighting because that is real life, then I say to you that our children are exposed to enough pain and challenges in this world of ours. Hostility between parents should not be exposed to your children. The same goes for one sided conversations or thinking that your kids don’t hear you fighting in the other room. When children hear parents arguing, they often become forced to take sides or align themselves with one parent over the other. They become caught in the middle and get involved in parental arguments. This is not only unhealthy; it further breaks down the relationship between husband and wife.

2. Establish Rules of engagement

No matter how opinionated you are or how correct you feel you in your views, you do not have the right to put down your spouse. We should never believe that we can strip another person of their dignity; and certainly not our partner in life. Children cannot grow up thinking that it is okay to belittle, yell, scream, intimidate, mock, threaten, put down, or be hostile to one another just because you have a difference of opinion.

Of course it goes without saying that physical violence – grabbing, shoving, or any other means of physical assault is out of the question.

Unfortunately, when we become passionate about our views we act in ways that we come to regret afterwards. Husbands and wives should sit down before the conflicts occur and establish rules of conduct for when they disagree. This way we ensure that we deal with our differences in a respectful manner. We certainly cannot expect more from our children’s behavior than we do from ourselves.

3. Discover the Source of your Anger

There are times that we allow emotions to simmer until they boil over. There comes a huge blow-up and we have no idea why this fight became so hostile. The problem is that we are angry about other things and all the emotion comes out now. We both think that we are fighting about spending Sunday with your parents but deep inside I am resentful of your late nights in the office and I have been furious that you keep missing dinner. Or I mention that we have an invitation to go out with couples and you lose it. What I don’t know is that you are brewing from the last time we went out and feel that I totally invalidated you in front of our friends. We never resolved the issue and just held onto the bad feelings.

Don’t allow emotions to go unchecked. If you are upset, communicate with your spouse in a respectful way. Otherwise, you will find yourself exploding and overreacting. This type of fighting quickly becomes all-consuming as pent up anger threatens to overtake the conversation.

4. Be Solution Oriented

Many fights are just accusations, complaints or criticisms flung against each other. We’ve got to stop playing the blame game and learn to live in unity. Life will bring us challenges. No one is immune. Arguing about whose fault it is accomplishes zero. Instead of going back and forth, decide to seek solutions together. The way to do this is after we communicate our emotions, instead of just leaving the discussion with bad feeling, practice good communication skills. If you have a sarcastic edge, bite your tongue. Take a moment and reflect back what you believe your spouse is trying to tell you. Try to consider your partner’s perspective; you cannot always be right. Resolve that you both attempt to bring a solution to the table and discuss the ways you can make this work. Once you do find resolution – be it an apology and forgiveness, a fresh approach in dealing with work and money issues, a more effective discipline plan – do not go backwards and bring up old complaints. Solutions bring us forward. Do not rehash old arguments.

Hostile fighting depletes us and destroys the most precious relationship that we have. We can resolve our disagreements respectfully and create an atmosphere of peace despite our differences.