Yosef Karduner and Rabbi Lazer Brody: Aishet Chayil, the Breslev Version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xvMlO2yvIo

Video: Jewish Weddings and Wine Charlie Harary (a GREAT SPEAKER IF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD HIM)

Video: Jewish Weddings and Wine

YUtorah again with guide to marriage related shirium

http://www.yutorah.org/yuconnects/

Realized first link put up doesn't lead to marriage articles all the time.

OU Relationship articles

http://www.ou.org/life/relationships/#.UaKLU9LktBF

They don't just do Kosher, they have good advice just make sure it is what is right for you!

How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

http://www.ou.org/life/relationships/marriage/how-therapist-destroyed-marriage-shlomo-slatkin/#.UaKKT9LktBE

Have you ever wondered what prompts couples to give up on their marriage?

While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge (Related: Stuck in a Lousy Marriage), many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. No, I am not referring to bad marriage therapy that often sounds like a screaming match behind closed doors, though that also does its share of damage. I am talking about the effect individual therapy can have on a marriage.

Here is one example I have heard over the years from more than one couple:

“We’ve been married 20 years and it has been pretty bad, but now I have no desire to work on the relationship and I am ready for divorce.” They went together for years of bad marriage counseling that didn’t help, yet they still stayed together. What changed now?

“A few years ago I started seeing an individual therapist…” she begins. The wife was told by her therapist that it would be better to work with her privately and “fix” her personal problems than it would be to work together on her marriage with the husband. The therapist even asked the husband what he would like his wife to work on.

This method was a disaster.

She became so attached to the therapist that had encouraged her to “work on herself” and concluded that it was her husband that was the problem. She was done with her marriage and there was no possible way I could even invite her to do couples work with her husband.

While individual therapy is helpful for individuals, it is often counterproductive for couples going through marital problems.

Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse:

1) Is your individual therapist advising you about your spouse?

I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. I am always shocked to hear that a therapist will support his or her client’s decision to divorce their spouse without first advising the couple to work together on resolving their conflict. I have heard about therapists who have convinced one spouse to leave the other without even meeting him/her or inviting him/her to join a therapy session!

Although therapists are supposed to be neutral and should take their ego and/or personal agendas out of the session, there are male therapists who have an axe to grind with verbally abusive women and there are female therapists who have a dislike for “controlling” men.

Even if a therapist does not have an agenda, there often seems to be a complete disregard for the big picture: that when you break up a marriage you are often breaking up a family. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. Such decisions have devastating effects on future generations. As I hear of families breaking apart, I am working with children of divorce who are trying to salvage their own marriages. They did not grow up witnessing a healthy relationship.   Even if they grow up and marry a supportive spouse, they still often suffer from their parents’ inability to repair their own marriage.

2) Placing doubts about your spouse:

I feel so strongly about this because I have heard many stories of relationships that could have been repaired had one spouse not been poisoned by his/her therapist about the other. We are not talking about cases of physical abuse or of potential threat to one’s life.  We are talking about “normal” things that most couples deal with such as yelling, criticizing, blaming, shaming and so on. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’s behavior can change.

When both spouses are not present, you can end up like the husband whose individual therapist convinced him that his wife was abusive and that she had a personality disorder. Whether or not it was true, those words had a profund effect on the husband and it forever tarnished the way he viewed his wife. While before he had hope that the relationship could improve, he was now convinced she had a “disorder” and there was no point in trying anymore as she was the one with the problem, not him.

A relationship requires two people, and in order to change it the dynamic has to change. It is rarely only one person’s fault. We can trigger some ugly behavior in our spouse but that does not mean that our marriage needs to be trashed. With the right perspective, the desire, and the proper tools it is possible to save even the worst marriages.

3) Removing your relationship from the center:

The best way to fix a relationship is for both spouses to work on their marriage together. This involves more than solving issues or changing behavior. Couples repair their marriage by learning how to relate to each other in healthier ways. Once that occurs, the problems that arise can be dealt with effectively, since now they have the tools they lacked before.

In most marriages, both partners contribute to the conflict they are experiencing. By not dealing with each other directly, seeking individual help instead, couples shift the focus away from the relationship–where the focus needs to be.

Worse still, it is common for one spouse to feel that the therapist is able to provide the warm, understanding, and available presence he or she is looking for in the marriage. The goal of good couples work is that the spouse can become that presence, not the therapist.

Am I advising you do to fire your individual therapist? No, but I am advising you to be aware of the issues that may occur if you are seeing one. Even the most well-intentioned therapists can be harmful if they are advising you about your spouse when he or she isn’t there.

If you are seeing an individual therapist for your marriage, the best thing you can do is focus on your personal issues. Ask the therapist not to make any suggestions about your spouse. Unless there is physical abuse or potential threat to one’s life, it is irresponsible for a therapist to encourage divorce without hearing both sides of the story.

Even if divorce is not encouraged, it is not helpful when a therapist speaks poorly about your spouse or gives you advice.  It leads to insecurity and second-guessing. If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage.

Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. Although your therapist may be well-meaning, a therapist is a human being and does not always have all the answers, especially if he or she has only heard half of the story. Trust in the potential that your relationship has to heal, and focus your energy on your marriage. Whatever you do, don’t let your therapist destroy your marriage!

Check out Rabbi Slatkin’s new book: Is My Marriage Over?: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage, available for download at www.theRelationshipRabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over.

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, “The Relationship Rabbi,” is an internationally renowned Imago relationship therapist, author, and lecturer. He works with couples in person and worldwide via Skype. To contact Rabbi Slatkin, please visit www.TheRelationshipRabbi.com.

Do arranged marriages work? Dr Zev Ballen

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/do_arranged_marriages_work.aspx?id=24444&language=english

The divorce rate in the U.S. is approaching 60% and these marriages are fizzling out within the first five years. 
 
It almost doesn't sound shocking anymore yet this figure is 2 and a half times the number of divorces that we had 20 years ago and 4 times as many divorces as we had 50 years ago.
 
Marital experts seem to be short on answers to explain why this is happening, but I found one study that explains a lot and confirms what Torah observant Jews have always known. 
 
30 people from 22 marriages that span nine countries and five religions were selected for the study because they indicated on a questionnaire that their marriages were growing in love over time. The researchers wanted to know what was so different about these successful marriages as compared to most marriages today. What was enabling them to beat the terrible odds? What were the turning points in their relationships where they felt their love deepening?
 
The first thing they had these people do was to rate themselves on a scale from zero to ten (ten is the most) on how much they loved each other when they first got married and how much they loved each other now (after an average of 19.3 years). On average, they gave themselves a 3.9 to begin with and an 8.5 at the time of the study.
 
Then they asked these happy couples to identify the single most important factor that enabled them to grow happier together as time went by. They unanimously said that it was a strong commitment to the marriage.
 
That in itself may not surprise you but what if I told you that these successful marriages shared something else in common and that was that every one of them was an arranged marriage. These people didn't just randomly select each other based on 'excitement' and 'falling in love.' Their parents were involved from the beginning. Although they all made their own final decision about who they married, they sought to have their parents blessing and support from the start.
 
What we see from this study is profoundly important for us. When young people seek their parent's approval and therefore involve them from the onset, the marriage starts out with a more serious and official tone. Young people today bristle at the idea of their parents having any say in their decision, but when you look at the stats that's just a recipe for disaster.
 
There was a recent study published in Psychology Today thatfound that one out of ten American women experience a serious depression within the first year of marriage.
 
What was pulling the newlywed women into their post-wedding bell blues?
 
They interviewed a large group of women who had become depressed after their wedding day to determine the reason.
 
The results: 
 
"The women had funneled all of their time and energy into planning their big day, and now they weren’t quite sure what to do with themselves...The depressed brides viewed their weddings as the end goal.In contrast, happy brides viewed their weddings as the start of a new chapter."
 
Currently, according to the US Census Bureau there are 2.3 million couples getting married every year in the US. According to the study published inPsychology Today, this means that 230,000 women a year are becoming depressed after their wedding day in the U.S. alone!
 
So what can we do about this?
 
First let's understand that no one prepared these young ladies to weather the inevitable ups and downs that marriages must go through or that they would discover qualities about their husbands that they were not totally enamored with. And secondly, they lacked what the happy couples in the first study had namely a sense of commitment and shared purpose with their marital partner.
 
Young people today need our help to realize that marriage is for life. The couples in the first study said that they knew that their marriages would succeed even thought they didn't see 'fireworks' to begin with. The reason that they were confident that love would grow was because they saw their parents succeed and their grandparents succeed before them. They knew that marriage was a very serious relationship. 
 
Unfortunately it seems that the basic pre-requisite for marriage in most modern industrial countries (most of the successful marriages were not from these places) is that you must be madly romantically in love with one another otherwise you can't get married. But really - how can two people really love each other when they don't yet even know each other? The simple truth is that the romantic 'love' that most people today are so desperate for just doesn't exist. It isn't real love, and that's why it doesn't pass the test of time. 
 
The happy love birds in the first study said that their love for each other deepened when they had children together, and weathered financial and health problems with their children together. Their love for each grew when they saw how each other reacted and handled unexpected and challenging situations with honestly, integrity, courage and other values they respected in each other. It took time, but our happy couples increasingly felt more love for each by observing how their partners made decisions based on their mutually shared value system and goals.

Advice for the Just Married Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc.

Advice for the Just Married

An excerpt from the just published Make Yourself at Home.

Marriage is meant to be a permanent, lifelong union. Divorce is to marriage what amputation is to medical treatment: a lifesaving intervention that occurs in exceptional circumstances. Divorce is not akin to a routine course of antibiotics meant to be utilized by the masses.

Second, marriage is meant to be a friendship, a loving companionship. Like all relationships, there will be times of greater and lesser closeness, more and less harmony, periods of greater ease and flow and periods with bumpier roads. It requires – like all friendships – nurturing, attention, and work. The special attribute of marriage is its unique, intimate bond, the joining of body and soul. This, too, is achieved and maintained through conscious effort and will vary in quality and intensity throughout the course of the relationship.

Third, marriage is meant to be a work in progress – a constant challenge. Indeed, it is the very challenge of marriage that produces its growth-enhancing properties. only as a result of negotiating the challenge of marriage with humility, patience, courage, and determination can a person stretch into her greater, even greatest, self. Finally, marriage is meant to be the cornerstone of a partnership that forms an integral part of the extended Jewish soul. It is an enterprise that is both private and communal, and one that provides a stable, holy sanctuary in which to raise the next generation.

What Marriage Isn’t

Marriage isn’t a romance novel. Marriage isn’t a Hollywood movie. Marriage isn’t something that can be observed by outsiders – it is only something that can be experienced by intimate participants.

This last point is particularly important to know, because all too often people think they are looking at other people’s happy marriages. In fact, if they are seeing it, then by definition they are not seeing marriage. Marriage is so private a relationship that only the two people who live it have any idea of what it is really like – and sometimes, only one of those people actually has any idea of what is really going on. As a marriage counselor with over thirty years’ experience, I can tell you as an absolute fact that none of us knows what is going on behind other people’s closed doors.

You in Your Marriage

As you negotiate your marriage relationship, you might find it helpful to keep the following tips in mind on a regular basis:

• God is always with you.
• Your mood and behavior affect your spouse. Take care of yourself for everyone’s sake! Do everything possible to achieve a happy, contented state of mind – find interesting work, engage in meaningful activities, build satisfying relationships, exercise regularly, seek personal therapy, and do whatever else contributes to your own well-being. Your well-being affects your marriage.
• A successful marriage requires constant effort and attention throughout its entirety. There is no time at which it is appropriate to sit back and relax. As therapist Bill O’Hanlon said, “Love is a verb” – an action word. Your action can build the love you want. Never take your spouse for granted. Always aim to have regular periods of private “friendship building” time throughout your day (even if only for a few dedicated minutes) and your week (even if only for an hour once a week). Do this for 120 years.
• Keep attraction alive by keeping yourself attractive. Yes it does matter, even after years of marriage. It matters a lot.
• Your personal deficits will have a negative impact on your marriage, so try to improve in your weak areas. Don’t expect your spouse to adjust to you. Check how you are functioning in your anger management techniques, your spending habits, your habits of personal grooming, your organizational habits that impact on household management, your time management habits, the regulation of your moods, your addictions, your communication skills, and in every other area that can possibly affect your partner. Instead of asking your partner to work on his or her deficits, spend your energy working on your own!
• Positive techniques like praise, encouragement, and rewards work much better than negative techniques like complaints, criticism, and anger. Keeping your relationship upbeat, warm, and loving prevents conflict. It’s okay to “fake it till you make it” – to act more cheerful than you feel. When things are going poorly, you might find it helpful to keep the following tips in mind:
• Try to address problems as soon as possible. They’re easier to fix when fresh.
• You make as many mistakes as your spouse does. Sometimes the very same ones and always different ones as well. Since we are always being judged by the progress we make from our starting point, it may well be that your spouse is more successful in spiritual growth than you are even when his behavior is far worse than yours. This can occur when you were at a higher starting point to begin with (for example, your spouse uses bad language, which is something you never do; your biggest communication error is that you are sometimes sarcastic), but your spouse improves more in his weak area than you do in yours (for instance, through tremendous will power, your spouse manages to completely stop using bad language while you only partially succeed in reducing your sarcasm).
• When things are going badly in your marriage, your spouse is hurting as much as or even more than you are. Remember that anger – both your own and your spouse’s – is often a cover-up for deep hurt.
• Your spouse wants you to love him but may not know how to earn your affection.
• In almost all cases, (we are not talking about abusive relationships) your spouse loves you; his hurtful behavior is almost always the result of skill deficits given to him by God (largely through genetic tendencies and childhood experiences). With your own wisdom and patience, you may be able to help your spouse acquire a better skill set. Each person raises his or her spouse in the same way that a person raises his or her children. Your job is to bring out the best in yourself and your spouse. Don’t rely on your own resources to accomplish this enormous task: seek out teachers, spiritual guides, professional counseling, and other sources of support and wisdom. The road has been traveled before, and Hashem provides us with a map and a light; be careful not to follow directions offered by untrustworthy sources. There are those who will be happy to escort you to divorce court.
• When things are going badly, you may be contributing to the problem through the way you react. You can learn new ways to respond to provocation that may prevent fights and minimize difficult interactions. Read books, attend classes, get counseling, consult with your rabbi, and do whatever else you can to pick up new skills.
• Some spouses are very difficult people. They are grown-up versions of difficult children – youngsters who were bossy, aggressive, stubborn, inflexible, mean, impulsive, highly anxious, moody, and so on. If you have a spouse with personality challenges or a spouse who is dysfunctional in significant ways, God knows that your marriage challenge is much greater than that of other people. Your task in such a marriage is not the same as the task of your friend who has a sweet, gentle, kind, helpful, responsible spouse. Your task might involve things like not succumbing to depression, rage, lack of faith, bitterness, jealousy, and other negative states. Your task might be managing to keep your home together in the best way possible so that your children will have stability. Your task might be to maintain as much peace as possible, even if deep love and affection may be unreasonable goals in your particular situation.
• Nobody gets everything they want in life (healthy children, wealth, wonderful spouse, beauty, good friends, safe living conditions, and so on). Try to be grateful for all your blessings, and remember that your challenges are for your spiritual benefit.
• Divorce harms children, even though it is sometimes the only solution to a terrible situation. It is not true that “if you’re happy, your kids will be happy.” On the contrary, a parent’s happiness may very well be at his or her children’s expense. In many cases of divorce, there is very often only one real choice – the parent’s happiness or the children’s. Research shows that divorce is preferable to a bad marriage for children only when the home is violent or completely dysfunctional. Another option that may be open to someone suffering in marriage is to make the marriage more tolerable by getting all the help that is available, using all the tools that are available, grieving the loss of hope of having one’s ideal marriage, accepting what is (at least for the time being), and pouring one’s heart out to God. God does heed the prayers of the brokenhearted, and miracles do happen, despite what some people may say.

Click here to order a copy of Make Yourself at Home (Menucha Press 2012)

Breslev Israel Hebrew use google translate if needed

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/%D7%94%D7%A6%D7%93_%D7%94%D7%9E%D7%A7%D7%91%D7%9C/%D7%94%D7%9B%D7%A8%D7%95%D7%AA_%D7%95%D7%A0%D7%99%D7%A9%D7%95%D7%90%D7%99%D7%9F/%D7%9E%D7%A9%D7%A4%D7%97%D7%94_%D7%95%D7%96%D7%95%D7%92%D7%99%D7%95%D7%AA.aspx?id=24131&language=hebrew

הצד המקבל by Rebbeca Levy Using Google translate

Here is what you do, get on Google chrome or use the gadget on the side for Google translate.  You are now no longer confined to English!

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/%D7%94%D7%A6%D7%93_%D7%94%D7%9E%D7%A7%D7%91%D7%9C/%D7%94%D7%9B%D7%A8%D7%95%D7%AA_%D7%95%D7%A0%D7%99%D7%A9%D7%95%D7%90%D7%99%D7%9F/%D7%9E%D7%A9%D7%A4%D7%97%D7%94_%D7%95%D7%96%D7%95%D7%92%D7%99%D7%95%D7%AA.aspx?id=24131&language=hebrew

בעולם המודרני הכל מבולגן. יש 
הרבה נשים כמוני שחונכו לדכא את 
הנשיות שלהן, את היכולת 'לקבל', 
ומתנהגות כמו גברים. למה זה
קורה לנו?
 
 
זה חלק מהפולקלור של משפחתי - מהיום שאני זוכרת את עצמי הייתי ילדת טום בוי. אמא שלי כל הזמן הייתה מספרת לחברות שלה כמה היא מאוכזבת ממני בגלל שאף פעם לא אהבתי לשחק עם בובות, ולא אהבתי שיעשו לי תסרוקת של בנות בשיער, ושתמיד, אבל תמיד, החצאיות שלי היו נקרעות בגלל שטיפסתי על העצים (אפילו כנערה, זאת הייתה דרך נפלאה עבורי לברוח מאנשים...)
 
העובדה שאחרי נולדו שלושה אחים לא כל כך עזרה לי לשנות את המצב. בבית שלנו המין הזכרי היה מאוד דומיננטי. בבית בו גדלתי אף אחד לא שאל אותי אם אני מוכנה לקום בבקשה מהספה בגלל שהוא רצה לשבת עליה. בבית בו גדלתי, נחתה עלי מכת קראטה כואבת שהבהירה לי בצורה חד משמעית שמישהו, לרוב אחד מהאחים שלי, רוצים את הספה הזו. לפעמים, 'לבקשה' הזו נוספו גם בעיטות. עשר שנים לקח לי להבין שאת מושב האסלה אפשר להוריד. וכשמישהו סיפר לי על הכלל שלא כתוב בשום מקום ש"לא מרביצים לבנות" הייתי המומה. הייתכן?!?
 
מגיל צעיר מאוד תמיד הייתי מעורבת בריבים. רבתי בבית. רבתי בבית הספר, שם אלוקים סידר לי כיתה עם מעט מאוד בנים (9 ו-20 בנות). וכמו רוב הבנות 'הבנימיות' תמיד חבריי הבנים לכיתה ידעו איך למשוך אותי לשחק איתם כדורגל כשהלא היו להם מספיק שחקנים. וזה אומר שבהפסקה הבנות לא רצו שום קשר איתי, והבנים היו ממשיכים להתנהג אלי כמו אל בן. הם היו מקניטים אותו, לפעמים אפילו מדברים בצורה מאוד מאוד לא יפה, ואני שהייתי בת אמיתית, לא ממש בן, נפגעתי וכעסתי עליהם. מקרים כאלה תמיד הסתיימו בריבים גדולים עוד יותר.
 
כל הריבים האלה, כל האגרסיה הזו, כל ה'גבריות' הקיצונית שהייתי חשופה אליה, לימדה אותי כמה שיעורים מאלפים וחשובים אותם לקחתי לחיי הנישואין שלי:
 
שיעור מספר 1: לעולם אל תישען על מישהו אחר ותחשוב שהוא יעמוד לצידך. בבתים של אנשים אחרים ה'גברים שבמשפחה' הם הצד המגן על הנשים. בבית שלי, אחים שלי היו רבים איתי, עושים איזו אחיזה כזו שלא יכולתי להשתחרר ואחר כך מנסים לשחרר אותי. ואם לא הגנתי על עצמי - ולפעמים גם תוקפת, כי התקפה הייתה הדרך הטובה להגן על עצמי – הייתי חוטפת מכות. אם לא הייתי מצליחה להתרחק מכל האנשים שניסו לפגוע בי, באופן מילולי או פיזי, (כי בסופו של דבר הייתי צריכה לרדת מהעץ אפילו הגבוה ביותר...) – אז הייתי צריכה לדאוג לעצמי וללמוד איך להילחם בחזרה.
 
שיעור מספר 2: הגורילה הגדולה היא זו שמקבלת את הבננה. בעולם בו התנהגו אלי כמו אל גבר (בבית, בבית הספר, ובהמשך אפילו בעבודה) הייתי צריכה להתנהג כמו גבר על מנת לשרוד. וזה אומר להיות אגרסיבית, אובר-אקטיבית, להיות דורשת ואיתנה כסלע 'שם בחוץ'.
 
שיעור מספר 3: בשום מצב או סיבה לא מקבלים שום דבר ממישהו אחר! תמיד יהיה מחיר שצריך לשלם, או מחויבות שצריך להתחייב, כזו שתשפיע עליך כל ימי חייך. אל תהיה תלוי באף אחד – זה האידיאל, שמור על עצמך תמיד, ותמיד תוודא ש'החוב' שלך יהיה לפייבורטים ולא ל'אויבים'.
 
אז בטח כבר שמתם לב, התכונות האלה יכולות 'לעבוד' בעולם של בחוץ (אבל זה נושא בפני עצמו למאמר אחר...) אבל בחיי נישואין ובמשפחה – אין ספק שהתכונות הללו הן חדשות רעות מאוד.
 
כי הן מספיק חדשות רעות בגבר – בבעל או באבא, אבל באישה? באישה ובאמא? זה כבר אסון!
 
אלוקים ריחם עלי מאוד. בעלי הוא נסיך שחי בין גברים, שגדל בבית שהנשים היו הדומיננטיות. אמא שלו ושתי אחיותיו הן נשים עם אישיות מאוד חזקה, ואביו ע"ה היה אדם עיוור מבחינה טכנית. מה זה אומר? שהוא לא יכל לנהוג ונעזר באשתו כדי שתעזור לו ללכת ברחוב, במיוחד אם היה באזור לא מוכר.
 
בבית של בעלי, מושב האסלה תמיד היה למטה.
 
איזה זיווג משמים אנחנו, הא?
 
בספרי ההדרכה שלו – לגברים: ספר בגן השלום, לנשים: ספר חכמות נשים – הרב שלום ארוש מסביר ששתי נשים לא יכולות לחיות תחת קורת גג אחת, נקודה. תפקידו של הבעל הוא לתת, תפקיד האישה הוא לקבל. אם שני אנשים מנסים 'לקבל' באותו בית, זה מרשם לאסון, ואחד הסיבות הבסיסיות למה חיי הנישואין בימינו סובלים ממצוקה איומה.
 
אבל אצלנו, הבעיה הפוכה, אותה עדיין לא חשפו ועליה לא נראה לי שדיברו הרבה. וגם היא לא האידיאל של חיי הנישואין: אצלנו יש שני 'גברים' בחיי הנישואין שלנו.
 
לא מזמן שמעתי את אחד משיעוריו של ד"ר זאב בלן שנקרא "נשמה אחת", בו הוא סיפר על זוג שהגיע אליו אחרי שנים של ריבים וויכוחים, ותוך שני מפגשים השכינה חזרה לשכון בביתם. נשמע מדהים. אז גררתי את בעלי לסדרת פגישות עם ד"ר זאב.
 
תודה לא-ל, יש לנו חיי נישואין טובים. כשיש בבית שני 'נותנים', בכל מיני דרכים, זה עובד הרבה יותר טוב משני 'מקבלים'. אבל זה לא המודל שאלוקים ברא לחיי נישואין יהודים. תוך דקות ספורות הבנתי שכל 'חוסר התלות' שלי, שכל העקשנות שלי 'לדאוג לעצמי' ו'להפריד את עצמי' כיווצה מאוד את המתנה שאלוקים נתן לבעלי – את הצורך לתת לי.
 
הייתה לו עבודה לעשות כאן, ואני עצרתי אותו מלעשות אותה במשך שנים!
 
ופתאום, היצר הרע שלי נכנס לתמונה והתחיל עם המתקפות שלו: מה השטויות האלה של להיות פתאום 'מקבלת'?!? את לא יודעת שזו עוד דרך לומר שאת עומדת להיות 'לוקחת', איך זה אמור לעזור לחיי הנישואין שלך, הא? עוד תירוץ עלוב לאנוכיות...'
 
הייתי צריכה לחשוב על זה קצת, לדבר על זה עם בורא עולם, כי לרגע, ואולי יותר, זה נשמע כמו רצפט לויכוח סוער. אבל אז, אלוקים האיר לי: גיליתי שמאוד קשה לי לקבל חסדים וטובות מאנשים אחרים – מבעלי, חברות, הילדות שלי – כל אחד, לא משנה מי זה. זו אחת הסיבות שהקשו עלי לוותר על הקריירה שלי ולהפוך לאמא במשרה מלאה. אבל אני יודעת כמה מדהים זה מרגיש כשמישהו מאפשר לי לעשות איתו כמה חסדים, או לעזור לו. הבנתי שלפעמים לקבל חסד ממישהו אחר זו המתנה הכי יפה שאתה יכול לתת לו.
 
בעלי – וכל בעל – נברא על ידי אלוקים כדי להיות נותן בחיי הנישואין. אם לא אתן לו את המקום לעשות את העבודה הזו, בדרך זו או אחרת, אני מונעת ממנו לעשות את מה שהוא צריך לעשות כדי להרגיש שמח ובעל חשיבות.
 
אבל מצידו השני של המטבע, אלוקים ברא אותי כדי לקבל מבעלי. אם אמשיך להיות 'בלתי תלויה', אישה שיכולה להסתדר עם מעט מאוד לא רע, אז גם במקרה זה אני לא עושה את רצון השם, את התפקיד שלי בעולם הזה כאישה. משהו מאוד חשוב 'חסר' בחיי הנישואין שלי, ושוב, למרות שהם טובים.
 
והאמת היא, שאני מרגישה את ה'חוסר' הזה כבר כמה שנים.
 
בעולם המודרני והמתקדם של ימינו, הכל כל כך מבולגן. יש שם בחוץ הרבה נשים כמוני שחונכו לדכא את הנשיות שלהן, את ה'רכות', את היכולת 'לקבל', ומתנהגות כמו גברים עקרים שמרגישים כמו ילדים קטנים שלא יכולים לעשות שום דבר נכון.
 
הסיבה העיקרית למה חיי נישואין רבים מתפרקים היום, או כאלה שעוברים תהפוכות שלא הכרנו מהעבר, היא בגלל ששכחנו מה אנחנו צריכים לעשות בקשר בין הבעל לאישה: הבעל נברא כדי לתת, והאישה נבראה כדי לקבל.
 
זאת נוסחה שעובדת יפה מאוד בחיי נישואין, היא מצמיחה אותם הכי טוב, יוצרת את המשפחה המאוחדת והטובה והיציבה שכל אדם מייחל לעצמו - משפחה שמחה וטהורה. היא עוזרת לילדים לצמוח ברוחניות שלהם, בבריאות הנפשית והפיזית שלהם, היא יוצרת את התנאים האופטימאליים לסביבה שתוביל אותם להצלחה בחייהם ובחיי הנישואין שלהם.
 
תודה לא-ל שנתן לנו את הרב שלום ארוש, שמלמד אותנו איך אנחנו צריכים להשתמש בכל הדברים האלה כמו שצריך. בלי ההדרכה שלו, הייתי עדיין מנסה להוכיח כמה אני 'שווה' בחיי הנישואין שלי בלי להקשיב לבעלי, במקום להראות לו כמה אני מעריכה אותו ואת כל מה שהוא עושה בשבילי.
 
אז זה רשמי: מהיום והלאה אני מנסה להיות הצד המקבל. ואני יודעת שמדובר כאן בהשקעה הכי טובה שיכולתי לעשות בחיי הנישואין שלי.

Relevent sayings to keeping shalom bayit from the gemora (via web shas)

NOTE TALK TO YOUR RABBI BEFORE FOR BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF SAYINGS (IF YOU ARE YOUR RABBI THEN THE STUDENT ISN'T THE ONLY FOOL)

http://www.webshas.org/chesed/shalom.htm
http://www.webshas.org/ishus/index.htm
http://www.webshas.org/science/sciences/psycho/reprod.htm

Dear Emuna: My Overweight Husband by Emuna Braverman

Dear Emuna: My Overweight Husband

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I have been married for a couple of months and he is steadily gaining weight. I believe this is happening because he works near his parents’ house and often visits during his lunch break. My mother-in-law works all day but prepares lunch for my husband before she leaves. While it may be very nice of her to go through the effort of preparing lunch and saving us a lot of money, her freezer is stocked with every kind of chocolate bar and mousse cake, etc... I can’t say I blame my husband for helping himself to these goodies because he has a sweet tooth but his pants are telling me the truth. I try going brisk walking at night but he always has a different excuse not to join me. And he’s not interested in working out in the morning or joining a gym. As a health-minded wife I prepare healthful meals and snacks which he enjoys. But is there anything I can do to help him? I don't want to deal with diabetes and high blood pressure and all that stuff later on because my husband and his mother are being negligent about his health now.

Concerned Wife

Dear Concerned Wife,

I do think there is something you can do now. Take a deep breath and relax. Your constant focus on weight and health is more likely to drive your husband in the opposite direction so pull back.

It’s very normal for men to gain weight in the first few months of marriage. Often they self-correct. Sometimes they stay a little pudgy. Rarely does it become a serious health risk. Either way, you should stay out of it unless asked. Treat your husband as an adult and not as a wayward child.

It’s also a mistake to blame your mother-in-law. Your husband is out of the house all day. He has access to sweets wherever he is. If he wants it, he will get it.

Additionally, it is frequently true that children who are not allowed sugar at home “go a little nuts” when they are faced with treats in public. I don’t know if this is operating here but, perhaps, instead of resenting the goodies in his mother’s freezer, you should stock your own. If your husband is eating treats to excess outside the home, having them available in his own house may actually diminish the tendency and the craving.

You don’t mention if there is actually diabetes and high blood pressure in the family or if you are just being extra careful. Negligent is a strong word to use. We should all be conscious of our healthy but sugar in moderation is unlikely to tip the scales, literally or figuratively.

You want your husband to feel at home in his own house and with you. You don’t want him to feel pressured to exercise or under scrutiny whenever he takes a bite of food. You may believe you’re doing this for his own good but you are making his home uncomfortable and perhaps even pushing him back into his mother’s arms, thereby raising a host of other issues!

It is impossible to live in the world today and be oblivious to weight – either as a health issue or an appearance one. It is everywhere we look and your husband can’t possibly be oblivious to his situation.

So change your tactics. Treat him like the grown-up he is. Make your home, kitchen (and freezer!) more inviting. This is much more like to produce lasting results – in all areas.

MY WIFE’S MIDDLE AGE CRISIS

Dear Emuna,

My wife is fifty-something and she is not the same person she once was – at least not at this point in time. She has gone from calm and rational to hysterical, crying at the drop of a pin and yet completely unavailable emotionally. She seems to resent her family and her responsibilities, including me. I’m not sure how to respond. I want my old wife back. Any advice for me?

Bewildered Husband

Dear Bewildered,

First, relax (this seems to be my favorite piece of advice these days!). Your wife hasn’t been taken over by zombies or even a dybbuk. This is a perfectly normal phase of life – and reaction. All women go through it with similar emotional roller coasters. (Just be grateful she hasn’t packed her bags and moved to a ranch in Montana!)

But I’m a little troubled by the phrasing, “I want my old wife back.” If you say that to her, I can guarantee it won’t be effective. Because, if you truly love her, you just want what’s best for her as opposed to your “old wife” which sounds like the situation that was best for you.

Give her a break. Take some of those responsibilities off her hands. Help with the kids, the chores, the daily grind. Give her space. Give her support. At this point in time, your needs need to take a back seat. You need to let go of your expectations of how things “should” be and just try to accommodate to the new reality.

This is not a permanent state. I promise. But it can be challenging. And how you, as a couple, emerge from this challenge may be determined by your response. Your best chance is when you wife feels your love and support, your concern for her and not your anxiety about who’s making dinner, folding laundry, filling out forms, driving carpool…You don’t want to make that ranch too appealing…

BOUNDARIES FOR IN-LAWS

Dear Emuna,

My in-laws are very difficult and manipulative. They suggest activities that are very hard to implement like going to the park in the 100 degree heat or driving 2 hours each way to the zoo with my young children. When I refuse, they attack me and try to encourage my husband to bring the kids and visit without me along (which besides being hurtful and offensive wasn’t the issue). They are constantly putting both of us in an awkward position. What should I do?

Miserable Daughter-In-Law

Dear Miserable DIL,

I don’t think it’s what you should do. This is another classic example of the statement from the book of Genesis – “Therefore a man should leave his parents and cling to his wife” – This is your husband’s job. He must put his foot down and make clear to his parents that 1) his first loyalty is to you, 2) the two of you (and the grandkids) come as a package, 3) if they can’t be courteous and respectful to you then neither of you will come at all and, a lesser but still significant point, 4) the activities suggested must be suitable for you and your young children.

I know it sounds harsh but boundaries and priorities must be established and held strong. Believe it or not, when all parties know and understand the parameters of the relationships, it actually leads to happier, healthier ones.

Setting boundaries with your in-laws is one the first and most common tests a marriage faces. It’s up to your husband to get an A.

Taking the Spiritual Dive by Mindy McLees

Taking the Spiritual Dive

I began my married life with a non-Jewish husband, an ambitious nature, a college degree, and a bit of an attitude. Sure, I was a spiritual person, although I couldn't define spirituality for you, except to say it was a character trait that you either had or didn't have. It was something you just felt. It meant being a good person and having the ability to empathize when something bad happened, the ability to make a nice toast at Thanksgiving, the ability to feel sad at a sad movie. That didn't have anything to do with God, right?

In his 30's my husband, a business executive, had a premature mid-life crisis. Unlike some men, my husband's crisis was one of faith and spirituality (there is that word again) and did not include a red sports car. My husband found Judaism and was searching a spiritual path that would eventually lead to a Conservative and then an Orthodox conversion.

In beginning my own spiritual quest, I found myself sitting unexpectedly with two women who were learning with an Orthodox rebbetzin about the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath. I was there by accident. I didn't pick the topic. At first, I really had no idea what we were learning. I liked the rebbetzin. Very quickly, I found l liked the women.

Like me, these women were not from religious backgrounds. They were smart and funny, and we laughed our way through this intimate class. We were discussing our spiritual love lives. It was not unlike an episode of a certain infamous TV show set in New York City. We were just four women talking. Sure, we were not drinking Cosmopolitans and we were sitting in a shul, but hey, we were being real and there were no cameras recording us.

JUST SAY NO

I was being introduced to an ancient approach to marital harmony -- a truly kosher approach to intimacy: the mitzvah of Taharat HaMishpacha or Family Purity. It wasn't at all what I thought. It didn't include any of the angry repressive ideas that I had heard about from my grandmother. It was a loving approach to intimacy that did not demean the participants or generate guilty feelings about our bodies. What a revelation.

I kept repeating that I was there just for the learning and the company, not for the how-to part.

Simply put, it's a system of some "no physical contact" days every month during the time a woman menstruates plus another seven days, followed by immersion in the waters of the mikvah. That means a minimum of 12 days without any touching. Oy. That's a long time. Why would a modern, married woman impose such a system on herself, not to mention her "happy-with-the-way-it-is-now" husband? Limiting physical intimacy, at first, seems counterproductive. How would it affect my marriage?

For several weeks, the four of us gathered in the shul to learn about the mitzvah. None of us had committed to actually going into the mikvah. I kept repeating that I was there just for the learning and the company, not for the how-to part. Um, I don't need this stuff thank you, but it started to sound good.

Then there was learning all the information about the mikvah dip itself. I went to see the mikvah in our community and it was beautiful. It wasn't like a black pit under the shul; it was like a women's spa.

The claim was that Taharat HaMishpacha did wonders in recapturing the magic of being newlyweds and maintaining freshness and romance in marriage. Eventually I was intrigued enough to decide to take the plunge.

NO ONE IS GOING TO GET HURT

I took a leap in this part of my journey to decide to follow the rules of this mitzvah, even though I didn't comprehend them. I knew it was something I'd have to first experience in order to gain some kind of understanding. This difficult leap was made easier because I was exploring a mitzvah that involved only me and my encouraging, supportive husband. No one else needed to know, and no one was going to get hurt if I kept an open mind and learned.

The religious women I met weren't prudish ladies who dressed in the closet. They loved their husbands and their lives, and they were going once a month to the mikvah.

Maybe I could give it a try.

Somehow, this is not restricting, but actually freeing.

With the physical aspect of our relationship sidelined during these days, we are limited to talking. What a concept. So we talk. This is great. There are no false hopes being raised, we both understand and are committed to the boundaries that observing this mitzvah has set. Somehow, this is not restricting, but actually freeing. We are free to talk into the night about our goals and dreams. We are free to express our love without demonstrating it physically.

At the end of the separation days, comes the big day -- or rather the big night -- when the woman goes into the mikvah. Before she can immerse herself in the spiritual waters of the mikvah, she must make sure that there is nothing on her body to separate herself from the experience of the enveloping water. She removes all makeup, jewelry, and nail polish, and soaks in a bath, becoming completely clean. The final step before the mikvah is a shower, hair washing and combing.

The preparations reminded me of preparing for a big date -- the attention to the physical connecting me to my body in a very powerful way. I work out all the time, but I never pay this much attention to myself, except to be critical.

The idea of removing physical barriers to the water caused me to reflect on the physical and emotional barriers that we put in our lives that can keep us separate from our spouses. I thought about things like the TV, the computer, the blackberry, and the phones as well as psychological barriers to intimacy, like feeling fat or somehow undesirable that can keep me separate from my husband and how I can take action to eliminate these things. And how by being open to learning about the mikvah, I had already taken the first step.

Far from being repressive, this is pampering as tradition and ritual, physical self-involvement as part of a spiritual quest. That works for me.

Human beings are different than animals. We can make choices and not act purely on instinct. We can elevate all our physical actions by bringing God into the picture and making them holy. The Taharat HaMishpacha laws enable us to bring God into the bedroom.

My experiment culminated with a mikvah dive that allowed me to experience the warm mikvah water as God's own embrace. Bringing God into the most intimate area of my life has made me eager to take on more mitzvot.

Three Questions for a Happy Marriage

Three Questions for a Happy Marriage

Hillel’s famous aphorism as a guide to marriage.

by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

   

Hillel used to say: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14)

Looking for advice on how to have a happy marriage? Hillel’s famous aphorism in Ethics of the Fathers provides us great insight into human relationships and especially marriage.

When you become mindful of these three questions, you will create the balance and perspective needed for a successful relationship.

1) If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

No one else can change your reality but you. You cannot rely on anyone else to help you, especially if you do not help yourself. What can you do to change the situation? Part of emotional maturity in a relationship is taking personal responsibility. While it may be easy to focus on what your spouse is doing wrong, the only person you have the power to change is yourself. Waiting for your spouse to change will only bring you heartache. This victim mentality is paralyzing as it holds us back from seeking a real solution for our situation and it leads to further resentment and ill will.

I am always amazed when I hear stories about successful people who have overcome adversity. How did they get through those challenges in their life? They did not wallow in self-pity. They picked themselves up and did what they could to achieve what they wanted in their life.

In a marriage, it takes two to tango. We both contribute to the situation in which we find ourselves, for good or for bad. If your relationship is strained, what are you doing to bring this rupture about? What can you do differently to change the situation? How can you be the best spouse you can be? When you develop an attitude of personal responsibility, it has a ripple effect in the relationship. It is actually a more effective way of bringing about change in your spouse than blaming them for your woes and expecting them to do the work.

2) And if I am only for myself, what am I?

The trap of personal responsibility is that we can become self-righteous. When our spouse is upset, we may quip, “I have worked on myself. This is your ‘stuff’ and you need to deal with it.” Our personal growth should not come at the expensive of being callous to another in pain.

Being in relationship is the greatest opportunity to develop compassion for another human being. Lend a caring ear, validate their feelings, and provide empathy for their situation. Knowing they can count on you to be there for them in their pain, is often what they may need to heal and move forward.

3) And if not now, when?

There is no better moment to heal your relationship than now. Couples fool themselves by thinking their relationship can coast on auto-pilot and they can work on it later. Life is busy and it may seem like there are more pressing issues to attend to than your relationship.

Big mistake. Don’t wait until your kids get older and leave the house. Don’t wait until you make more money and can afford to get help. We never know how much time we have on this planet. Tragic stories of people who are here today and gone tomorrow wake us up and provide us with a greater appreciation of the present. Now is the time to create your ideal relationship. Now is the time to start being kinder and more appreciative to your spouse. Now is the time to make your marriage a priority. Asking yourself, “If not now, when?” reminds you of your sacred duty to wake up and take action. Don’t look back on the missed opportunity and regret years of your relationship that could have been remarkable.

It is easy for a relationship to live on default mode. Hillel is challenging us to be mindful of three very important questions that allow us to assume responsibility for our role in the relationship, while simultaneously encouraging us to be there for our spouse. And if we have any hesitation, he exhorts us to begin now.

The Grass is Not Greener Rabbi lazer brody

The Grass is Not Greener

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I am reading Women's Wisdom and wanted to share with you an eye-opening experience that I had many years ago at the beginning of my marriage. 

I believe that one of the worst things for shalom bayit is a woman's tendency to look at others and think that they are happier than she is. 

Before we had children, my husband and I had just started to keep shabbat, as did another fairly newlywed couple of friends of ours. So we used to spend shabbatot together to support each other in our new "growth". 

My husband and I were going through a tough time, and seeing how happy this couple was and how right they were for each other was draining me and making my husband look very unfavourable in my eyes. I silently and constantly compared him to the other man and was harbouring feelings of resentment and jealousy: on top of which I had to host them and act as if all was fine. 

Towards the end of the shabbat I broke down and told my girlfriend in confidence about our troubles and how I wished we were more like her and her husband, and that I feared for the future of our marriage. Then the men returned for havdala and that was that. After shabbat I told my husband how I wished we had more in common, like our friends, and confided in him that I was not happy.

The very next day my husband got a phone call from the friend we had hosted: He just wanted him to know that they had decided to divorce.

You can imagine our complete shock. Especially mine!! I learned instantly that one can never know what is really happening with others, and never ever to compare my relationship ever again, no matter what. 

The yetzer hara tries to trick us into dissatisfaction with our spouses by having us compare them to others. This story proves how superficial this temptation is, not to mention the very "in" and dangerous practice of closely socialising with other couples....this of course leaves a wide-open entrance for the yetzer to join in!

I thought this was important to share - like I've heard you say several times, people should stop fantasizing about others. Their grass is definitely not greener. Regards, BL from the USA

Quirks by emuna braverman

Quirks

One of the secrets to a successful relationship (friends, marriage, family and so on) is an acceptance of the other party’s quirks and idiosyncrasies, no matter how crazy, absurd or inconvenient we find them.

We all have our unique approaches to situations and challenges, our coping strategies and sometimes just our way of being. In a healthy relationship we can overlook or smile at these foibles; in an unhealthy one, they send us through the roof.

Richard and Sandy have a great marriage, one that has lasted close to 40 years. They have lovely children and some delightful grandchildren. They are warm and devoted and solicitous of each other’s needs. It is a picture of harmony. Except when they travel. Then something, somewhere deep inside Richard, flips.

No one can figure out why but his anxiety climbs and his behavior veers out of control. He insists on leaving for the airport extra early; he pushes his way to the front of the security line; he has to be first to board and first to disembark. He is oblivious to the hostile stares and comments of the other passengers.

Not so his wife who wants to sink through the floor. Once they reach their destination, the trip is great and they have a wonderful time. But on the journey home, it begins again. Since this behavior is inconsistent with the rest of his character, Sandy has learned to let it go. Her marriage is more important than dirty looks from strangers.

Melissa and Suzy have a different challenge. Best friends since 5^th grade, they have learned to be tolerant of each other’s quirks, calculating that preserving their 30-year closeness trumps the minor inconveniences. So Melissa puts up with Suzy’s punctuality issue and Suzy is understanding of Melissa’s reluctance to pick up the phone and initiate contact.

Likewise with Dave and Jon. Jon keeps quiet when Dave explains to him his latest fad diet and Dave only sometimes pokes fun at Jon’s tendency to hypochondria. College roommates, these indulgences have kept their friendship strong for 25 years and counting.

Mark and Elizabeth have also been married close to the 40-year mark. Elizabeth is a devoted wife and mother and the house is organized and run with precision. To the point where there is only one way that T-shirts can be folded and arranged in the closet. Although, when pressed and when his wife is not within earshot, Mark will acknowledge that he thinks it’s a little nuts, he folds his T-shirts just so. His priority is to preserve the peace – and his wife’s sanity.

And doesn’t every family have a grandmother or great aunt who loudly proclaims her opinion of – your haircut, your clothes, your weight – for everyone to hear? And doesn’t everyone decide that despite this behavior, holidays with the family just wouldn’t be the same without her, that the behavior can be ignored but the relationship can’t?

In Ethics of our Fathers, we are advised to “buy yourself a friend.” The traditional explanation is that we have to pay for our friendships – in time and commitment. But one of the commentators suggests that the price we pay is to ignore their small flaws or idiosyncrasies. As mentioned, this works with families and is a great tool for marriage as well. Everyone has “something”. Make peace with everyone else’s and they will make peace with yours.