Around six years' ago, when my oldest was six, her teacher called me and told me the good news: my kid was great, sweet, clever etc. Then, she told me the bad news: she couldn't sit still in the classroom, and the school psychologist was pushing for her to be put on to Ritalin, the class 'A' drug of choice for small children.
I did what all 'good' parents do, and I went and took my kid for an independent check up that apparently 'confirmed' that she had ADHD - but me and the teacher agreed it had to be wrong. She could sit for hours when she was interested, so she couldn't be ADHD. It had to be something else, but we didn't know what. In the meantime, I made some massive changes to my life. I stopped working my hugely demanding job, and became a stay-at-home mother; I chucked out my internet, which instantly freed up at least an extra three  hours a day (not including work). And G-d helped me to up my praying, to an hour a day.My daughter finished first grade bottom of the class, barely able to read. I got her a tutor over that Summer, I prayed a lot that G-d would help her settle down, and a miracle happened: by the end of Grade 2, she was top of the class, and going through three or four books a day. At the time, I didn't realize what the real 'attention deficit' problem actually was, namely that my career took firm precedence over my daughter. Even when I was physically 'at home' with her, on my day off, or on the weekend, my mind was still on my job, or stuck in my myriad worries, or preoccupied with one of my many escapism opportunities like shopping, socializing or surfing the net. The positive attention I gave to my daughter was almost non-existent. The only times she really had my undivided (negative) attention was when she was playing up, or sick, or struggling, ergo, she played up, struggled, and was sick a lot. So in a sense, the psych was right: my daughter DID have attention deficit problems; me, her mother wasn't giving her anywhere near the sort of quality time and love that she really needed. Once that started to change, and once I started to put my children firmly back where they belonged, as the first priority in my life, all the 'attention deficit' problems disappeared. A little while ago, I found a great website called 'toxicpsychiatry', which is run by a group of ethical psychiatrist MDs who are trying to alert the world to the corruption that is built into modern medicine. In short, mind-altering drugs are big business, and the more people you can diagnose with a 'condition', the more drugs you can sell, and the more people you can keep hooked on your products for years and years and years. According to that site, one in five Americans are now on some sort of anti-depressant or anti-psychotic drug, and the numbers continue to grow at a record rate. Here's a little bit about what it has to say about ADHD: "The scientific literature shows that 50% or more of children when given Ritalin, Focalin, Dexedrine, Adderall and other stimulants will become obviously depressed, lethargic, weepy--but more manageable. Moreover, it's been proven time and again that the stimulants stunt their growth. In addition, studies show that stimulants will permanently change their brain chemistry, cause shrinkage of brain tissue, predispose children to cocaine addiction in young adulthood, stigmatize them with a false diagnosis, and push them toward becoming permanent consumers of psychiatric drugs." Uhoh. That sounds really bad…but ADHD is a real problem, right? It's a real medical condition, isn't it? You can't just donothing… Peter Breggin MD, writing in the New York Times a couple of years' ago, said the following: "The A.D.H.D. diagnosis does not identify a genuine biological or psychological disorder. The diagnosis, from the 2000 edition of the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,” is simply a list of behaviors that require attention in a classroom: hyperactivity (“fidgets,” “leaves seat,” “talks excessively”); impulsivity (“blurts out answers,” “interrupts”); and inattention (“careless mistakes,” “easily distractible,” “forgetful”). These are the spontaneous behaviors of normal children. When these behaviors become age-inappropriate, excessive or disruptive, the potential causes are limitless, including: boredom, poor teaching, inconsistent discipline at home, tiredness and underlying physical illness. Children who are suffering from bullying, abuse or stress may also display these behaviors in excess. By making an A.D.H.D. diagnosis, we ignore and stop looking for what is really going on with the child." What's really going on with our children? That's a tough question: it requires a lot of bravery and honesty to really start answering it, because the real question is not what's going on with them, but what's going on with us, their parents. And sometimes, we just don’t want to know. |
Thursday, October 31, 2013
A deficit of attention by Rivka Levy
Monday, October 28, 2013
The Search for a Real Man by Rochel Spangenthal
The Search for a Real Man
It is the nature of being single. Countless hours are spent discussing the loveof your life who, for all practical purposes, refuses to actually exist.
Still, I was perplexed when one of my friends dreamily described the kind of guy she was seeking.
“I want a Man,” she sighed. You could hear the capital M.
“Um, yeah… we all do.”
My grandmother says it all the time. ‘Just catch a mensch,’ (the Yiddish word for man). As if all it takes is putting a worm on a hook.
“No. I mean that I want a real man. A Manly Man.”
Now I was lost.
“You know!” she continued as if it was obvious. “A guy with a little bit of hair on his chest.”
First of all… ew.
What is the definition of a Man?
Second of all, I studied biology in college. Since when is a Y chromosome not enough to qualify a male as a Man? What quantifiable and objective measures are there to measure Manliness? At what point is one qualified to write “I am a Man” on his resume?
In my quest to identify a Manly Man, I have discovered quite a number of different types of males:
The Tough Man: Mel is a Jew known by all as ‘Dragonman.’ He owns a shooting range, has 10+ tattoos, and custom-makes motorcycles. Oh, and he created a military museum.
The Chivalrous Man: Raymond is an embodiment of a character from a Jane Austenesque classic. A regular dandy, Ray wears a bowler hat that is tipped for every woman he passes. Not in a weird way. It just fits.
The Providing Man: Dr. A is an orthopedic surgeon. Dr. A has perfect teeth. His wife has never worked a day in her life. His children seem to be perpetually sparkling with cleanliness. And there is always, always, someone working on his lawn.
There are more types of men: Sensitive, Child-like, Inquisitive, Brilliant, and many others. But none of the above is the quintessential Man.
So who’s an example of a Man, you ask?
Moses.
Yes, the biblical one. He was an accomplished guy. Not only did he lead an entire people out of slavery and get the 10 commandments (twice, no less), but God frequently touched base with him.
But you know the coolest thing about Moses? He was Manly.
Mankind was created with the faculty of thought. With a sense of right and wrong. With the power to go beyond animalistic desires and drives. Only a Man has the strength to follow his moral compass and greater beliefs to travel past the boundaries of self-serving instincts.
This is what makes a human. This is what makes a Man.
There was this one time when Moses walked out of his grand palace and witnessed something horrific. An Egyptian taskmaster was mercilessly beating one of his Hebrew brethren to within an inch of his life.
Moses looked to the right. He looked to the left. And he saw no man.
He proceeded to kill the cruel Egyptian and bury his body in the sand.
And Lady Justice cheered.
Jewish Sages explain that numerous people were indeed standing to the right and left of Moses. Many people watched in horror. But no one was man enough to stand up for what was right.
Knowing the difference between right and wrong is one thing, but having the courage to stand alone in the face of adversity… that takes strength. That takes a Man with a capital M.
So you want to find a Manly Man? A real Man?
Find the kid who calls out a bully in school. Find the guy who picks up that piece of trash that has been passed 100 times. Find the father who sacrifices a few extra dollars in order to read to his children at night. Find the person who forgives easily.
Find a guy who is able to hear an opinion opposite his own and remain calm and collected.
You want a Man?
You keep your chest hair; I’ll take a mensch.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Stealing Beauty By Racheli Reckles
Ken is a successful entrepreneur. He owns several companies that he started up himself. He’s sharp, witty, and very handsome. He lives in a million dollar apartment on the ocean. He drives a sexy black Mercedes McLaren. Ken has everything he wants, including a trophy wife.
As soon as he laid eyes on Barbie four years ago, he was taken away with her beauty. She captivated him with her gorgeous blue eyes and her wavy, perfect blonde hair. And her body- those legs were impossibly perfect, along with the rest of her. She was lacking in the conversation department, but Ken didn’t care. He knew that he had to have her all to himself.
They married in a luxurious, over-the-top wedding at the grandest hotel in the city. The first year was one nonstop honeymoon. Ken took some time off from work and they traveled around the world. They dined in the finest restaurants in the most romantic cities. They shopped at the most upscale, exclusive boutiques in the
world. They took extended trans-atlantic cruises. Barbie was in heaven.
Now she may have not had a lot to say, but she was no fool. She knew that Ken fell in love with her because she was unusually beautiful. After all, she was a world-renowned supermodel who made tens of thousands of dollars each time she set foot on the runway. So of course, she was going to make every effort to look drop-dead gorgeous for Ken each day.
After the first year, things began to change. Their honeymoon was slipping away from them. Little fights started sprouting up like weeds in their romantic garden. Eventually those fights got bigger, and soon they started to drift apart.
Don’t most couples go through this shift in their marriage? The question is - why? Is this phenomenon something that everyone must expect as an inevitable reality when they get married?
Let’s take a closer look at Ken and Barbie’s marriage. What was happening underneath the glossy image of their perfect life?
Well, for starters, Ken knew what a catch he was. At 6’2” with perfect chiseled features and sparkling green eyes, he saw the way women fell over themselves for him - and he liked it. In his mind, there was nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting here and there. After all, he wasn’t cheating. And since there was nothing wrong with flirting, there was certainly nothing wrong with checking out what was on the market, just for fun’s sake. After all, what did G-d create eyes for, if not to enjoy the sights?
Gradually, Barbie started to feel that she wasn’t getting his undivided attention and adoration any more. They still went out to the fanciest restaurants, but nowadays Ken spent a lot more time texting his business partners on his Blackberry than enjoying his time with his wife. She noticed that when she got dressed up in her most elegant clothes and had her hair professionally done, he didn’t do his usual pretend faint and amazement when he saw her all done up. In fact, he didn’t even tell her she looked beautiful.
Over the years her hurt and resentment started to build up, yet she tried even harder to look gorgeous and get his attention. Eventually, after four years, nothing seemed to stop their constant head-on collisions with each other, and they divorced.
Did you ever notice how many stunningly beautiful divorcees there are? I recall watching “reality” shows about housewives of Orange County and noticed that each one was more gorgeous than the next. Yet all of them were either divorced, on their way to divorce, or starting their second or third marriage.
What a strange phenomenon. Or is it?
It’s no phenomenon according to Judaism. Rav Arush explains it clearly in his marital guides for men and women, “The Garden of Peace” and “Women’s Wisdom”, respectively. It’s all about their spiritual corrections.
A man’s hardest spiritual correction has to do with guarding the covenant. How is he supposed to be successful? Through guarding his eyes. The woman’s hardest correction is to guard her beauty. How does she do this? Through dressing and acting modestly.
What is spiritually happening to the couple that doesn’t do this? Kabbalah explains it in terms of stealing energy and light. If a man doesn’t guard his eyes, he is literally sucking the energy from the woman he’s staring at. As a result, he has now filled his heart with desire for another woman. Therefore, his desire for his wife suffers. Not only that, but he has also taken away the other woman’s husband’s desire for her!
The wife that goes around stealing other husbands’ love from their wives will therefore suffer the same consequences. No matter how gorgeous she is, her husband will find it impossible to love her the way she wants to be loved.
Ironically, she starts to dress even sexier in her desperate attempt to get more attention, and only ends up contributing to the disaster her marriage has turned into.
What is the solution for Ken and Barbie? Well, he needs to stop staring at every woman on the street, and she needs to cover up those impossibly long legs. What is sacred about the intimate connection between husband and wife if everyone gets to see what only the husband should see?
Granted, it’s not as glamorous to not go around in haute couture, turning heads. But isn’t it worth what you’re getting in return? The happy marriage you’ve always dreamed of.
As soon as he laid eyes on Barbie four years ago, he was taken away with her beauty. She captivated him with her gorgeous blue eyes and her wavy, perfect blonde hair. And her body- those legs were impossibly perfect, along with the rest of her. She was lacking in the conversation department, but Ken didn’t care. He knew that he had to have her all to himself.
They married in a luxurious, over-the-top wedding at the grandest hotel in the city. The first year was one nonstop honeymoon. Ken took some time off from work and they traveled around the world. They dined in the finest restaurants in the most romantic cities. They shopped at the most upscale, exclusive boutiques in the
world. They took extended trans-atlantic cruises. Barbie was in heaven.Now she may have not had a lot to say, but she was no fool. She knew that Ken fell in love with her because she was unusually beautiful. After all, she was a world-renowned supermodel who made tens of thousands of dollars each time she set foot on the runway. So of course, she was going to make every effort to look drop-dead gorgeous for Ken each day.
After the first year, things began to change. Their honeymoon was slipping away from them. Little fights started sprouting up like weeds in their romantic garden. Eventually those fights got bigger, and soon they started to drift apart.
Don’t most couples go through this shift in their marriage? The question is - why? Is this phenomenon something that everyone must expect as an inevitable reality when they get married?
Let’s take a closer look at Ken and Barbie’s marriage. What was happening underneath the glossy image of their perfect life?
Well, for starters, Ken knew what a catch he was. At 6’2” with perfect chiseled features and sparkling green eyes, he saw the way women fell over themselves for him - and he liked it. In his mind, there was nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting here and there. After all, he wasn’t cheating. And since there was nothing wrong with flirting, there was certainly nothing wrong with checking out what was on the market, just for fun’s sake. After all, what did G-d create eyes for, if not to enjoy the sights?
Gradually, Barbie started to feel that she wasn’t getting his undivided attention and adoration any more. They still went out to the fanciest restaurants, but nowadays Ken spent a lot more time texting his business partners on his Blackberry than enjoying his time with his wife. She noticed that when she got dressed up in her most elegant clothes and had her hair professionally done, he didn’t do his usual pretend faint and amazement when he saw her all done up. In fact, he didn’t even tell her she looked beautiful.
Over the years her hurt and resentment started to build up, yet she tried even harder to look gorgeous and get his attention. Eventually, after four years, nothing seemed to stop their constant head-on collisions with each other, and they divorced.
Did you ever notice how many stunningly beautiful divorcees there are? I recall watching “reality” shows about housewives of Orange County and noticed that each one was more gorgeous than the next. Yet all of them were either divorced, on their way to divorce, or starting their second or third marriage.
What a strange phenomenon. Or is it?
It’s no phenomenon according to Judaism. Rav Arush explains it clearly in his marital guides for men and women, “The Garden of Peace” and “Women’s Wisdom”, respectively. It’s all about their spiritual corrections.
A man’s hardest spiritual correction has to do with guarding the covenant. How is he supposed to be successful? Through guarding his eyes. The woman’s hardest correction is to guard her beauty. How does she do this? Through dressing and acting modestly.
What is spiritually happening to the couple that doesn’t do this? Kabbalah explains it in terms of stealing energy and light. If a man doesn’t guard his eyes, he is literally sucking the energy from the woman he’s staring at. As a result, he has now filled his heart with desire for another woman. Therefore, his desire for his wife suffers. Not only that, but he has also taken away the other woman’s husband’s desire for her!
The wife that goes around stealing other husbands’ love from their wives will therefore suffer the same consequences. No matter how gorgeous she is, her husband will find it impossible to love her the way she wants to be loved.
Ironically, she starts to dress even sexier in her desperate attempt to get more attention, and only ends up contributing to the disaster her marriage has turned into.
What is the solution for Ken and Barbie? Well, he needs to stop staring at every woman on the street, and she needs to cover up those impossibly long legs. What is sacred about the intimate connection between husband and wife if everyone gets to see what only the husband should see?
Granted, it’s not as glamorous to not go around in haute couture, turning heads. But isn’t it worth what you’re getting in return? The happy marriage you’ve always dreamed of.
Finding Common Ground With Your Spouse | Everyday Jewish Living | OU Life
Finding Common Ground With Your Spouse | Everyday Jewish Living | OU Life
In Parshat Chayei Sara, we are privy to the first story about matchmaking, Eliezer travels to Aram Naharaim to finds Yitzchok a wife. Rivka meets Eliezer at the well and impresses him with her act of tremendous Chesed in giving water to him and all his camels. Yitzchok and Rivka are obviously a match made in heaven however they do differ in their parenting methods. It is not so different for in our marriages, many times our husbands don’t see I eye to eye on how to parent. Many mothers take my classes and they try to start implementing the new skills that they are learning but do not get much cooperation from their husbands. Here are a couple of suggestions for what to do when your husband is not on board:
1. Don’t do anything:
There is nothing more annoying to a man than to have his wife criticize or a nag him. I think we all have to learn that the hard way. One of the benefits of the skills that I teach is that they model respectful communication. So your children and even your husband can learn the skills by just watching what you do. Also, if you criticize your husband’s parenting skills in front of your kids, that can be misconstrued as disrespect. Kids can pick up on this as well. Unless there is outright physical and verbal abuse, you need to support your husband’s decisions and parenting, even if you might not agree with his tactics. Kids feel more secure when their parents act as a team.
2. Have important conversations in private:
If your child is having an issue and you have an idea on how to handle it, speak to your spouse in private about the matter. Try not to be pushy and ask for his opinion:
“I know we have been having this issue with Eli and not doing his homework. Do you think we should try talking to his teacher? Do you think we should help him more with his homework? I heard that if we praise him specifically for the work that he does well that can help him. Does that sound right to you?”
It might sound phony, but it is more respectful. I have learned that my husband is really receptive to my ideas if I let him have his say, sincerely without an ulterior motive and agenda. I have also discovered that we need a guy’s opinion. They love their kids too and have some great ideas on what works. We need to just really listen to what they have to say.
3. If all else fails, talk about yourself:
If you find that you are disagreeing a lot about parenting, you again want to have your discussions when you are both calm, in private (as I mentioned above) do not accuse and use “I” statements:
“When roughhousing starts before bedtime I get really annoyed. Can we talk about this?”
“I am kind of frustrated about what happened today. I told Sam that he could not go to Sara’s house. He told me that you said he could go. Can we discuss this so we can get on the same page?”
“I am not sure if you will agree with me, but I feel that sometimes Mikey’s feelings get hurt when you mention that he is not great at sports. Do you sense that too?”
When you start your conversation with neutral language, and “I” statements, you have a better chance of avoiding arguments and coming up with positive solutions on how to work together.
Adina Soclof is the Director of Parent Outreach for A+ Solutions, facilitating “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk” workshops as well as workshops based on “Siblings Without Rivalry.” Adina also runs ParentingSimply.com and is available for speaking engagements. You can reach her and check out her website at www.parentingsimply.com
Secrets to Happy Families by Sara Debbie Gutfreund
Secrets to Happy Families
It was a Saturday night in Jerusalem when we gathered our children together on the living room couch to tell them that we were moving to America. There was complete silence. But the questions eventually came: To America? For how long? Why? Are we going to bring our whole house with us? Where will we go to school?
In the months that followed we answered their questions as we struggled with our own good-byes. My son did not want to leave his fish. My daughters did not want to leave their friends. My husband and I did not want to leave the sun setting into the sea outside our living room window, and the city where all of our children had been born. But for a variety of reasons, it was best for our family to move.
Many people have asked us how all of our children adjusted so quickly and easily to a new country. We didn’t really have any specific strategies other than maintaining the closeness of our family. Our schedules changed. Our language changed. Our social circle changed. But what remained constant was the cohesiveness of that Saturday night when we all sat down on the living room couch and said: This is what we need to do. We’re going to get through like we have with everything else. Let’s hear everyone’s questions and ideas.
There are some secrets to happy families. Some of us practice these ideas without even realizing it. And some of the following lessons are new strategies that we can try. They are based on the research of NY Times bestselling author, Bruce Feiler, who recently published the book, The Secrets to Happy Families.
1. Make Family Dinners Count. A recent study from the Center on Everyday Lives of Families at UCLA found that families ate together only 17 percent of the time, even when everybody was home. Today it is increasingly difficult to coordinate the schedules and needs of everyone in the family. Laurie David, in her book The Family Dinner, suggests the following alternatives: Can’t have dinner together every night? Try once a week. Aren’t home from work early enough? Bring everyone together at 8:00pm for dessert, a snack or just to talk about the day. Weekdays too hectic? Try weekends. Don’t have time to cook? Do leftover Mondays, takeout Tuesdays or breakfast for dinner.
Besides these practical alternatives, researchers have found that what matters most is not the dinner itself, but what is spoken about at the table. Aim for at least ten minutes of quality conversation. What is quality conversation? Marshall Duke, a renowned psychology professor at Emory University says: “The most important thing we can give our children, at dinnertime or anytime, is a sense of perspective. Children take their cues from us. When they’re young, and they hear a loud noise, they don’t look where the noise came from, they look at us. If you’re not upset, they’re not upset…When a child tells you something bad happened at school, sometimes the best thing to say is ‘Pass the ketchup.’ It’s your way of saying, there’s no reason to panic. Then, once you’ve taken the panic out of the air, once you’ve put the ketchup on your French fries, then you can begin the conversation.” (Bruce Feiler, The Secrets to Happy Families, p. 50)
Judaism gives us a weekly opportunity to make sure everyone gathers together and shares quality conversation. Shabbos dinner gives us this precious chance to pass on traditions and perspectives. No matter how hectic the week was, everyone comes to the table where blessings of gratitude and Torah thoughts uplift the meal and bring the family closer.
2. Rethink Date Night. Studies show that couples who do something new each week experience the same high as couples who are just falling in love. If a couple does the same thing every week for their date then it has the tendency to become routine like other aspects of family life and doesn't increase the sense of intimacy parents need. And even more surprisingly, studies show that sometimes the most romantic moments parents share are actually when they are with their children. With the hectic pace of family life, parents often take turns watching their children instead of sharing the joy of their children together.
Family night may be the most crucial tool for fostering that crucial intimate bond.
So family night, not necessarily date night, may be the most crucial tool for fostering that crucial intimate bond. “As every parent knows sometimes the most satisfying moments in marriage come when you look up from that board game on Friday night and catch the eye of your spouse, walk in on them putting cookie dough on a child’s nose, or reach over and take their hand when you tuck in a sleeping child…Maybe that’s why the authors of When Baby Makes Three were most startled to find that parents who have the most children (four or more) were actually the happiest of all. Sometimes the best way to get the marriage you’ve always wanted is to stay home and play with the kids.” (Bruce Feiler, The Secrets to Happy Families, p. 160)
The ideal goal is to have both a date night on which the couple does something new each week and a family night where they enjoy their children together. But either one increases the closeness between spouses.
3. Share Family History. Studies show that children who know a lot about their families fare better when faced with challenges. Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush developed a measure called the “Do You Know?” scale which asked children to answer 20 questions including: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know of an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know what went on when you were being born?
It turns out that the children who could answer these questions had a better sense of control in their lives, had higher self- esteem and more positive opinions about their families. Marshall believes these children fare better because they have what he calls a strong “intergenerational self;” they know they are part of something bigger than themselves.
Judaism gives us this opportunity to share not only our own family narratives at the Passover Seder each year but to connect our children to our narrative as a nation. This gives families the sense that they are part of something larger than themselves, and that they can face their challenges with the same courage and faith as their ancestors.
Conveying a family narrative requires us to be honest with ourselves and with our children. It requires us to believe in resiliency and pass that belief onto our children. It’s the ability to say: We’ll get through this like we’ve gone through everything else. As a family.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Jews should… inspired by Israellycool
Jews should…
An experiment repeated after seen on Israellycool…
Oh look mommy, the world doesn’t like me very much…
But is this really true? Maybe everybody hates everybody? Lets go further. Does the world like anybody else?
Arabs, not so much. Lets mix it up some more…
Apparently the world doesn’t mind christians.
Doesn’t mind Russians either.
Or Americans. Let’s see if we can narrow this down. It does NOT seem to be a nationalistic thing. Maybe an ethnic thing?
Maybe ethnic is right. Or maybe a religious thing?
So we can conclude (from Google auto-complete results – which develop from massive statistical tracking of terms)…
EVERYBODY hates the Jews.
Some people dislike Arabs and Muslims.
A few people dislike blacks (or maybe people who use the term blacks dislike blacks, being a term out of fashion – though African-American didn’t get me meaningful results).
Everyone else is cool.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Happy Husband, Happy Home (part 2) The Light House Racheli Reckles
Happy Husband, Happy Home (part 2)
Isaac and Rivka’s fighting has escalated to the point that they need marital counseling. However, after all of the counselor’s well-meaning advice, they haven’t been able to get out of their destructive pattern. Why?
They still haven’t discovered the root of the problem.
What exactly is ruining their happily-ever-after?
Well, if Isaac would have read Rav Arush’s marital guide for men, “The Garden of Peace”, he would have clearly understood that he was the cause of the problem.
Whoah, husbands, before you get all up in arms and stop reading, just keep reading. Rav Arush explains that the husband spiritually functions as the light-giver of the house. As a result, he literally sets the tone of the
family when he’s home. When he’s happy, his wife and family are happy. When he’s calm, they’re calm. When he’s angry or upset, his family reacts negatively.
Now this may sound unfair, but this is the reality. The wife is like the moon, completely dependent on the sun for her light. If he shines love and light on her, she’s happy and fulfilled. She’ll make sure to attend to all of his needs, and put all of her love into everything she does for her family. Their marriage will be heaven on earth. However, if she suffers from a severe shortage of light, what energy does she have to give back to him? She’s running on empty, and the only way she knows how to express her emptiness is to nag and pick arguments with him. She may not even realize what’s going on.
Now, dear husbands, you may say that you need attention and love, too. You also have hard, tiring days and you also have emotional needs that must be fulfilled. Well, Rav Arush would say that if you’re waiting for your wife to fill your emotional needs first, then there are two wives in the relationship. You’re like two chess players in a stalemate, waiting for the other one to make the first move. In the meantime, your marriage is deteriorating.
Now Rav Arush is not denying that men need to feel loved and appreciated. Of course you do. However, your job as a man is to be the man in the relationship and give her what she needs first. Even if you’re already caught in a cycle of fighting and cold shoulders, it is your responsibility to give in first.
You must give up your ego for the sake of your marriage. Think of it as your sacrifice. You’re sacrificing your ego in order to regain the love and support of your wife, which you need as much as air itself.
So, does this mean that the wife is faultless? No. Absolutely not. She must also contribute to the improvement and repair of your marriage. The difference is that you must instigate it. Since, without realizing, you instigated the downfall of the marriage, it is up to you to start to fix it.
This is why I think many husbands are tone-deaf. They don’t realize that they are setting the tone of their marriage and family life with each action they make. It’s a huge responsibility.
There are too many divorces that have started from fights about trivial things. He complains that the house is too messy. She complains that he steps right over the pillows strewn across the floor without even bothering to pick them up. What’s really going on? There’s a spiritual disconnection between them, and it has nothing to do with raised toilet seats and wrinkled dress shirts.
Husbands, you and your wives deserve a marriage of nothing less than the romance and bliss that you envisioned when you first got married. The reality is that such happiness doesn’t come without earning it. A happy marriage takes years of compromise and thinking of your wife’s needs before your own.
Take it from me, a wife. When your wife nags you, it’s just because she’s not getting the love and attention she needs. As soon as you realize that, you’ll quickly avoid any potential blowups. I guess you could say marriage is like a minefield- you have to watch every step!
Rav Arush’s marital guide, “The Garden of Peace”, has saved thousands and thousands of marriages. Don’t you think yours is worth saving, too?
Isaac and Rivka’s fighting has escalated to the point that they need marital counseling. However, after all of the counselor’s well-meaning advice, they haven’t been able to get out of their destructive pattern. Why?
They still haven’t discovered the root of the problem.
What exactly is ruining their happily-ever-after?
Well, if Isaac would have read Rav Arush’s marital guide for men, “The Garden of Peace”, he would have clearly understood that he was the cause of the problem.
Whoah, husbands, before you get all up in arms and stop reading, just keep reading. Rav Arush explains that the husband spiritually functions as the light-giver of the house. As a result, he literally sets the tone of the
family when he’s home. When he’s happy, his wife and family are happy. When he’s calm, they’re calm. When he’s angry or upset, his family reacts negatively.Now this may sound unfair, but this is the reality. The wife is like the moon, completely dependent on the sun for her light. If he shines love and light on her, she’s happy and fulfilled. She’ll make sure to attend to all of his needs, and put all of her love into everything she does for her family. Their marriage will be heaven on earth. However, if she suffers from a severe shortage of light, what energy does she have to give back to him? She’s running on empty, and the only way she knows how to express her emptiness is to nag and pick arguments with him. She may not even realize what’s going on.
Now, dear husbands, you may say that you need attention and love, too. You also have hard, tiring days and you also have emotional needs that must be fulfilled. Well, Rav Arush would say that if you’re waiting for your wife to fill your emotional needs first, then there are two wives in the relationship. You’re like two chess players in a stalemate, waiting for the other one to make the first move. In the meantime, your marriage is deteriorating.
Now Rav Arush is not denying that men need to feel loved and appreciated. Of course you do. However, your job as a man is to be the man in the relationship and give her what she needs first. Even if you’re already caught in a cycle of fighting and cold shoulders, it is your responsibility to give in first.
You must give up your ego for the sake of your marriage. Think of it as your sacrifice. You’re sacrificing your ego in order to regain the love and support of your wife, which you need as much as air itself.
So, does this mean that the wife is faultless? No. Absolutely not. She must also contribute to the improvement and repair of your marriage. The difference is that you must instigate it. Since, without realizing, you instigated the downfall of the marriage, it is up to you to start to fix it.
This is why I think many husbands are tone-deaf. They don’t realize that they are setting the tone of their marriage and family life with each action they make. It’s a huge responsibility.
There are too many divorces that have started from fights about trivial things. He complains that the house is too messy. She complains that he steps right over the pillows strewn across the floor without even bothering to pick them up. What’s really going on? There’s a spiritual disconnection between them, and it has nothing to do with raised toilet seats and wrinkled dress shirts.
Husbands, you and your wives deserve a marriage of nothing less than the romance and bliss that you envisioned when you first got married. The reality is that such happiness doesn’t come without earning it. A happy marriage takes years of compromise and thinking of your wife’s needs before your own.
Take it from me, a wife. When your wife nags you, it’s just because she’s not getting the love and attention she needs. As soon as you realize that, you’ll quickly avoid any potential blowups. I guess you could say marriage is like a minefield- you have to watch every step!
Rav Arush’s marital guide, “The Garden of Peace”, has saved thousands and thousands of marriages. Don’t you think yours is worth saving, too?
Love Reb Gutman Locks
Love
A guest post on the Torah portion of the week from Gutman Locks of the Old City, Jerusalem, Israel...
This week’s portion of the Torah deals almost exclusively with the continuation of the Jewish People.
It begins with the passing of Sarah our mother. The first thing Abraham did after tending to Sarah’s resting place was to find someone to continue as the mother of the Jewish people. G-d told Abraham that the future of the Jewish people was to be through his son Yitzchak and not through any other children he might father. So Abraham sent his trusted servant to find a proper wife for his son: one who would be fitting to continue Sarah’s ways.
Next is the warm and interesting story of Abraham’s servant finding a woman to be Yitzchak’s wife. This story is so beloved to Hashem that it is one of the only places in the entire Torah that something is repeated and certainly it is the longest.
Then comes the most beautiful love story in the Torah. What type of love is this?
When Rivka first sees Yitzchak she covers her face with a veil. But she was very beautiful and was about to see her future husband for the first time. Even more importantly, her future husband was about to see her for the first time. Why did she cover her face? Wouldn’t she want her husband to see her beauty? Rivka knew that Yitzchak would love her beauty, but she wanted him to first hear how Hashem chose her to be his wife and to love her for that and not merely because she was physically beautiful.
Abraham’s servant told Yitzchak how Hashem chose Rivka “And Yitzhak (1) brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother, he (2) married Rivka, (3) she became his wife, and (4) he loved her, and thus was Yitzchak (5) consoled after his mother.” [i]
These events seem to be out of order. Normally a man first sees a woman’s face and if he loves her he marries her and only then does he bring her into his tent.
But Yitzchak did not see Rivka’s face. First he heard how Hashem chose her to be his wife and then he brought her into his mother’s tent. But why into his mother’s tent? Why not into his tent, or into her own tent? And why didn’t he marry her before he brought her into the tent?
He brought her into Sarah’s tent because “Sarah’s tent” is the home of the Jewish People. Coming into Sarah’s tent was Rivka’s “conversion” to Judaism. Only then could Yitzchak marry her and she could become his wife. This shows that their marriage was primarily a spiritual union: a union created to bring forth the Jewish Nation. But it was not only a spiritual union, as the Torah testifies: “and he loved her and was consoled for the loss of his mother.”[ii]
[i] Gen 24:67
[ii] ibid
A guest post on the Torah portion of the week from Gutman Locks of the Old City, Jerusalem, Israel...
This week’s portion of the Torah deals almost exclusively with the continuation of the Jewish People.
It begins with the passing of Sarah our mother. The first thing Abraham did after tending to Sarah’s resting place was to find someone to continue as the mother of the Jewish people. G-d told Abraham that the future of the Jewish people was to be through his son Yitzchak and not through any other children he might father. So Abraham sent his trusted servant to find a proper wife for his son: one who would be fitting to continue Sarah’s ways.
Next is the warm and interesting story of Abraham’s servant finding a woman to be Yitzchak’s wife. This story is so beloved to Hashem that it is one of the only places in the entire Torah that something is repeated and certainly it is the longest.
Then comes the most beautiful love story in the Torah. What type of love is this?
When Rivka first sees Yitzchak she covers her face with a veil. But she was very beautiful and was about to see her future husband for the first time. Even more importantly, her future husband was about to see her for the first time. Why did she cover her face? Wouldn’t she want her husband to see her beauty? Rivka knew that Yitzchak would love her beauty, but she wanted him to first hear how Hashem chose her to be his wife and to love her for that and not merely because she was physically beautiful.
Abraham’s servant told Yitzchak how Hashem chose Rivka “And Yitzhak (1) brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother, he (2) married Rivka, (3) she became his wife, and (4) he loved her, and thus was Yitzchak (5) consoled after his mother.” [i]
These events seem to be out of order. Normally a man first sees a woman’s face and if he loves her he marries her and only then does he bring her into his tent.
But Yitzchak did not see Rivka’s face. First he heard how Hashem chose her to be his wife and then he brought her into his mother’s tent. But why into his mother’s tent? Why not into his tent, or into her own tent? And why didn’t he marry her before he brought her into the tent?
He brought her into Sarah’s tent because “Sarah’s tent” is the home of the Jewish People. Coming into Sarah’s tent was Rivka’s “conversion” to Judaism. Only then could Yitzchak marry her and she could become his wife. This shows that their marriage was primarily a spiritual union: a union created to bring forth the Jewish Nation. But it was not only a spiritual union, as the Torah testifies: “and he loved her and was consoled for the loss of his mother.”[ii]
[i] Gen 24:67
[ii] ibid
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Beauty and inner peace by Rav Shalom Arush
There's an important message I want to give our women readers: maybe you eat Kosher food, observe Shabbat and live a basically decent life. But there's such a scenario that you finish you're 120 years on earth and the Heavenly Court throws the book at you. You're accused of destroying dozens of marriages. You caused hundreds of children to grow up in tense and even broken homes. Do you know why? You deliberately flaunted yourself. You attracted other men. You literally forced them to look at you. Maybe the length of your clothes was satisfactory, but you deliberately chose tight and provocative clothes so that the men would turn their heads and look at you. The same goes for the makeup you chose. And even if you did cover your hair, did you choose a modest hair covering or the most enticing wig you can find? And then BOOM - as soon as a man looked at you, he desired you and harbored lust in his heart for you. After looking at you, he no longer had 100% love for his wife. You took part of that love away.
Now let's suppose that the Torah never commanded a woman to be modest. Anyone with basic intelligence and a sense of ethical fairness wouldn't do to another person what he would not want them to do to him. So let me ask you: are you willing to have your husband look at another woman? Of course, not! Then why do you
make other men look at you? Is that fair to their wives? There are certainly more enticing women around than you are. Would you like if they pranced around your husband? No way - you'd be furious! So why do you do to other women what you'd hate them to do to you? Do you have such a negative image of yourself that you need people to make compliments about your face, your hair, or your body? Meanwhile, in fishing for those compliments, you'll be breaking up other people's marriages and stealing other women's husbands. Not only is that not fair, it's immoral.
So even if modesty were not in the Torah, to preserve social justice and a sane society, we'd have to invent laws of modesty! Society is so chaotic because it turns its back on the Torah's laws of modesty. It's amazing to see how heads of state will risk their entire career and future for one of the evil inclination's cheap thrills. Dearest women, don't play into the hands of the evil inclination. Remember who you are - a princess and a daughter of the King. By preserving the modesty of your appearance and speech, you'll assure that Hashem will always be with you.
Hashem runs the world measure-for-measure. If a woman is immodest and she makes other men look at her, she'll never have marital peace. That's the way Hashem does things. You can't make any woman's life miserable by taking away her husband's love for her and then expect Hashem to reward you with shalom bayit. It doesn't work that way. That's why personal holiness and modesty are absolute requirements for marital peace.
King Solomon describes the aishet chayil, the woman of valor, and says, "the lie of charm and the vanity of beauty." Then he says, "The G-d fearing woman shall be praised!" King Solomon, the wisest of all men that ever walked the face of the earth is telling us that beauty is a lie, and lies certainly have nothing to do with the fear of G-d. A woman who has true yir'at Shamayim, the awe and fear of G-d, doesn't care about beauty. Her focus is on doing Hashem's bidding and not on attracting anyone other than her husband. She cares about truth, not about beauty. She knows that Hashem created her beautiful just the way she is. She doesn't spend hours on picking out clothes, picking out wigs, standing in front of the mirror and making herself up. She doesn't need to paint herself with Cleopatra eyes to feel good about herself. In fact, she has a lot more inner peace. The women that are always prancing in front of mirrors never feel truly good about themselves, because they're always fidgeting and adjusting things.
The fortunate women who don't chase after all the makeup and the costuming save tons of time and money. Some woman take an hour to dress and put on makeup in the morning; you could be using that hour to to talk to Hashem or to do some charitable deed.
Modesty doesn't mean being a slouch - we all must maintain a clean and respectable appearance. But when a woman knows that Hashem created her beautiful just the way she is, she can truly feel inner peace. On the contrary, all those women who masquerade in make-up and fantasy are scared stiff for their husbands to see them when they wake up in the morning. What kind of inner peace is that?
Any emphasis on physical beauty is in King Solomon's words, the lie of charm and the vanity of beauty. You're beautiful just the way you are, the way Hashem created you. At any rate, a woman can't be conceited about something that she didn't do; Hashem made you beautiful, so why flaunt it. It's really stupid that a woman shows off her long blond hair; most of the time anyway, either the hair is dyed or it's a wig. So what are you proud of, that you spent a couple thousand dollars on a natural-hair wig? Or are you proud that you had a pint of hydrogen peroxide poured on your head? I know it doesn't sound nice, but it's true. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest; I just want you to be truly happy and have lasting marital peace. Sometimes we have to stop and take an objective look at ourselves to establish what the truth really is. The whole world of fashion and cosmetics lead people astray to this world of lies, and ridiculous lies at that.
Now let's suppose that the Torah never commanded a woman to be modest. Anyone with basic intelligence and a sense of ethical fairness wouldn't do to another person what he would not want them to do to him. So let me ask you: are you willing to have your husband look at another woman? Of course, not! Then why do you
make other men look at you? Is that fair to their wives? There are certainly more enticing women around than you are. Would you like if they pranced around your husband? No way - you'd be furious! So why do you do to other women what you'd hate them to do to you? Do you have such a negative image of yourself that you need people to make compliments about your face, your hair, or your body? Meanwhile, in fishing for those compliments, you'll be breaking up other people's marriages and stealing other women's husbands. Not only is that not fair, it's immoral. So even if modesty were not in the Torah, to preserve social justice and a sane society, we'd have to invent laws of modesty! Society is so chaotic because it turns its back on the Torah's laws of modesty. It's amazing to see how heads of state will risk their entire career and future for one of the evil inclination's cheap thrills. Dearest women, don't play into the hands of the evil inclination. Remember who you are - a princess and a daughter of the King. By preserving the modesty of your appearance and speech, you'll assure that Hashem will always be with you.
Hashem runs the world measure-for-measure. If a woman is immodest and she makes other men look at her, she'll never have marital peace. That's the way Hashem does things. You can't make any woman's life miserable by taking away her husband's love for her and then expect Hashem to reward you with shalom bayit. It doesn't work that way. That's why personal holiness and modesty are absolute requirements for marital peace.
King Solomon describes the aishet chayil, the woman of valor, and says, "the lie of charm and the vanity of beauty." Then he says, "The G-d fearing woman shall be praised!" King Solomon, the wisest of all men that ever walked the face of the earth is telling us that beauty is a lie, and lies certainly have nothing to do with the fear of G-d. A woman who has true yir'at Shamayim, the awe and fear of G-d, doesn't care about beauty. Her focus is on doing Hashem's bidding and not on attracting anyone other than her husband. She cares about truth, not about beauty. She knows that Hashem created her beautiful just the way she is. She doesn't spend hours on picking out clothes, picking out wigs, standing in front of the mirror and making herself up. She doesn't need to paint herself with Cleopatra eyes to feel good about herself. In fact, she has a lot more inner peace. The women that are always prancing in front of mirrors never feel truly good about themselves, because they're always fidgeting and adjusting things.
The fortunate women who don't chase after all the makeup and the costuming save tons of time and money. Some woman take an hour to dress and put on makeup in the morning; you could be using that hour to to talk to Hashem or to do some charitable deed.
Modesty doesn't mean being a slouch - we all must maintain a clean and respectable appearance. But when a woman knows that Hashem created her beautiful just the way she is, she can truly feel inner peace. On the contrary, all those women who masquerade in make-up and fantasy are scared stiff for their husbands to see them when they wake up in the morning. What kind of inner peace is that?
Any emphasis on physical beauty is in King Solomon's words, the lie of charm and the vanity of beauty. You're beautiful just the way you are, the way Hashem created you. At any rate, a woman can't be conceited about something that she didn't do; Hashem made you beautiful, so why flaunt it. It's really stupid that a woman shows off her long blond hair; most of the time anyway, either the hair is dyed or it's a wig. So what are you proud of, that you spent a couple thousand dollars on a natural-hair wig? Or are you proud that you had a pint of hydrogen peroxide poured on your head? I know it doesn't sound nice, but it's true. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest; I just want you to be truly happy and have lasting marital peace. Sometimes we have to stop and take an objective look at ourselves to establish what the truth really is. The whole world of fashion and cosmetics lead people astray to this world of lies, and ridiculous lies at that.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Shraga's Weekly Parshat Vayeira: Be a Giver (great advice for marriage)
Shraga's Weekly Parshat Vayeira: Be a Giver
Vayeira(Genesis 18-22)
Be a Giver
Abraham is on a mission to teach the world about God. But God is an infinite force Who encompasses everything and lacks nothing! He doesn't get tired, thirsty, restless or cold. So how can He possibly be described?
The answer is found in what motivated God to create the world in the first place. He wasn't lonely. He wasn't bored. And it wasn't a science experiment. But God did lack one thing, so to speak. He lacked someone outside of Himself to nurture and bestow kindness upon. Thus the attribute of "giving" is the most essential thing we can say about God!
Abraham's Spiritual Greatness
Abraham emulated God by performing endless acts of kindness. His tent, pitched in the middle of an intercity highway, was open on all four sides so that any traveler was welcome to a royal feast.
Inevitably, at the end of the meal, the grateful guests would want to thank Abraham. "It is not I who you should thank," Abraham replied. "I am only emulating the Almighty Who gives us life, provides our food, and sustains us moment by moment. To Him we should give thanks!"
To those who balked at the idea of thanking God, Abraham offered an alternative: Pay full price for the meal. Considering the astronomical price tag for a fabulous meal in the middle of a barren desert, Abraham succeeded in inspiring even the skeptics to "give God a try."
Talking to God?
Our Parsha begins with Abraham having just circumcised himself at age 99. We'd expect anyone in this condition to be in bed recuperating. Instead, Abraham is sitting at the entrance of his tent in search of guests!
But on this day, no guests are in sight. Because God made a heat wave to ensure that no travelers were on the road - in order to give Abraham some much-needed rest. Except for one problem: The ploy didn't work. Because for Abraham, the pain of circumcision was nothing compared to the anguish of not doing kindness for others. So now God has to send guests in order to spare Abraham pain!
"God appeared to Abraham as he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day. Abraham looked up and saw three men passing by. Abraham ran to greet them and said, 'Please come in! I'll bring some water, and you can wash up and rest..' Abraham hurried to Sarah's tent and said, 'Quickly make three cakes.' Abraham ran to his cattle, selected a choice one, and gave it to his son who rushed to prepare it..." (Genesis 18:1-8)
There's a lot to talk about here: How Abraham treats the guests royally and serves the finest foods, how he involves his family in the mitzvah, and his incredible zeal in making it all happen.
But something about this sequence should be bothering us: At the beginning of the story, God appears to Abraham, and the next thing you know, Abraham leaves to attend to three strangers. Imagine you're in the middle of speaking to the President of the United States. Would you ever say, "Hold on a second, there's some strangers walking by. I'll get back to you later!" So what made Abraham think leaving God was the right thing to do?
The answer is that there is an experience even greater than talking to God. And that is to be like God. Human beings are created in the image of God. God is a giver. Thus, giving is basic to human nature. It is our greatest form of spiritual expression.
The Need to Give
Abraham was a wealthy man who had many, many servants. If so, why doesn't he just issue orders to his staff to serve the meal?
We mistakenly think that "giving" is a drain on our resources. On the contrary, it energizes and enlivens us. At the beginning of our Parsha, Abraham is in such pain from the circumcision that he is only able to sit by the door of his tent. But when the guests pass by, he runs to greet them! And his energy is infectious: His family also hurry to perform the Mitzvah.
Imagine being born into great wealth and given a monthly allowance of $10,000. You'd never have to work a day in your life. You could play golf, go shopping, travel, lie on the beach. Everything easy, everything handed to you. That's the good life!
Actually, it's not. Because after awhile, you'd get tired of "taking" all the time. A nagging voice persists: What's my contribution?
The Talmud says there are four individuals who are "considered dead even while they're alive." The common denominator of these people is that (due to circumstantial limitations) they are unable to give.
Of course, the reason to treat others kindly is because we care about them. But just as crucial is what it does for me. The act of "giving" makes me more sensitive, caring and compassionate. More God-like.
The Basis of it All
Giving is the foundation of any relationship. When two people are focused on giving to one another, then the relationship flows in two directions - connecting, linking and forging the bond. But when the focus is on taking, then the dynamic pulls in opposite directions - creating strain and tension.
This is illustrated later in our Parsha with the story of Sodom. What was the terrible sin that caused this city to be destroyed? The Talmud (Sanhedrin 109) says that in Sodom it was illegal to welcome strangers. For example, one Sodomite woman who gave bread to a poor person was punished by publicly being covered with honey and devoured by bees.
Geographically, Sodom is located next to the Dead Sea. In Israel, there are two seas connected by the Jordan River: The Sea of Galilee in the north, and the Dead Sea in the south. Since the Dead Sea is the lowest point on planet Earth (396 meters below sea level), water flows in, but no water ever flows out. This inability to "give" is why it's called the Dead Sea.
When God sends a sulfur rainstorm to annihilate Sodom (Genesis 18:24), in a way the city had already been destroyed. Because any society that eschews giving is on a path to self-destruction.
Making it Real
Practically speaking, how do I become a "giver?" The answer is simple: Start giving. Some people say, "I can only give to someone I love." This is incorrect. The Hebrew word for "give" - hav, is the same root as ahava, which means "love." Giving is what leads to love. When I give, I invest a part of myself, making you more precious to me. This is why parents love their children most of all; it is their greatest investment.
A few suggestions: Visit some patients at the local hospital. Invite your friends to a Shabbat dinner. Volunteer to serve meals at a homeless shelter. Or do the dishes at home even when it's not your turn. Emulate God and be a giver. Do it with zeal. Do it as if your life depends on it.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Marriage is Built with Kindness Avrohom Kass
Marriage is Built with Kindness
Be kind to your spouse. Not a single person in the entire world would marry if he thought his partner would not treat him with kindness. Kindness is the fertile soil in which affection grows. Kindness is the foundation upon which a strong and healthy family is built.
The Torah teaches that the world was built with kindness, and that kindness is rewarded in this world and the next. Kindness is kindness, whether donating a million dollars to a school or opening your door to a stranger in need. Opportunities for kindness are available 24/7 and the reward is immediate. What a wonderful Mitzvah!
Marriage is a voluntary institution; a married individual must continually choose to stay with his or her partner. This is the reality of relationships whether we agree with it or not. When kindness is abundant within the relationship, the choice to stay together is easy. Kindness ensures peace in the home.
Showing kindness to your spouse is fundamental to marriage. Without kindness, your relationship will sour, G‑d forbid. Fortunately, it's easy to be kind. Here are some examples of everyday opportunities:
- Say "good morning."
- Ask how he or she slept.
- Make something for him or her to eat.
- Help find something your spouse misplaced.
- Check with your spouse to make sure they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.).
- Call during the day to say hello.
- Run an errand at the store.
- Listen and comfort your spouse if he or she is upset.
- Help your spouse with his or her tasks at home.
- Speak gently and respectfully.
- Do favors.
- Spend time together before going to sleep.
There are many more ways - planned and unplanned - to behave kindly toward your partner and he or she toward you. The more you do, the closer and healthier your family will be.
On the other hand, a kindness deficiency is the source of marital conflicts and the cause of most divorces. Anger, selfish or irresponsible behavior, and criticism, push away kindness and lead to relationship breakdown. The fact that the perpetrator of this hostility feels justified makes no difference. Little by little, lack of kindness chips away at the very foundation of the relationship and everyone in the family suffers.
Think back to the time when you and your spouse were courting. When your husband or wife was only your date, how did he or she treat you? Certainly with kindness. I know this because otherwise you would have run the other way; you would have ended your contact immediately, never wanting to see him or her again.
You only married your partner believing that the kindness you were shown during the dating period, your courtship, would last forever. And for a fortunate few, this actually turns out to be true. Sadly, for far too many people, kindness slips away and the relationship becomes a painful struggle. But it needn't be that way. You can easily be kinder to your partner. Make a decision to be kinder and begin behaving that way.
Being kind is actually very simple. The difficulty is starting and not stopping. But if you do, you will have a wonderful marriage with the benefits far outweighing the effort. When you are kind to your spouse, and he or she to you, both of you will reap many rewards. Kindness will guarantee happiness.
Kindness is remembered. Each act of kindness toward your spouse creates a relationship credit. These credits are saved like dollars in a bank account. When you hurt your partner's feelings—intentionally or unintentionally—these relationship credits can be used to reestablish harmony. They stand as advocates mitigating your partner's hurt feelings, negative judgments, or thoughts to retaliate. The more credits you have, the easier it is to get beyond relationship mistakes.
Research has shown that it takes, on average, five positive interactions to eliminate one negative one. Thus, the more relationship credits you have, the more relationship mistakes you can survive. For example, if you say "good morning" daily, but forget one day, either your spouse won't notice or will casually mention it. However, if you never say "good morning," your spouse will likely conclude you don't care about him or her.
Jerry and Susan were clients of mine (details changed to protect privacy). Once Jerry and Susan had extinguished their anger, they were ready to work in a positive way on their relationship. I instructed: "Make a list of kind behaviors that your partner has done in the past, is currently doing and could do in the future, that would make you feel loved and cared for." When they had finished making their lists, they took turns discussing what they had written. Then I told them to exchange lists. Jerry had Susan's list and Susan had Jerry's. I suggested they pick two acts of kindness from their partner's list each day and do them. I explained that these were gifts, given without any conditions. They went home. The next time I saw Jerry and Susan in my office they were both beaming and happy. They didn't look like the old Jerry and Susan I had met six weeks prior. "What happened?" I asked. "Simple," Susan answered. "I did what was on Jerry's list, and he did what was on mine."
Kindness is contagious. Being kind to your spouse creates goodwill and cooperation. When you are kind, your partner is far more likely to be kind to you. Emotional closeness, appreciation, and love will grow stronger and stronger with each act of kindness you and your partner show each other. You don't need to go to therapy to increase your marital acts of kindness. You know yourself what you can do to make your husband or wife happy.
Kindness is essential to a happy marriage. If you are not prepared to be kind to your spouse, you are writing yourself a prescription for a failed relationship. You cannot replace kindness with money, good looks, a big house, or exotic trips. Kindness is an attitude that manifests itself in all situations. Being "married" means behaving with kindness—it's just that basic. There are no substitutes for kindness. There is a saying, "What goes around, comes around." When you give kindness, you get kindness. Kindness is something you can't give away—it always comes back.
Have a sweet life; behave kindly toward your partner.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Decisions by Akiva of Mystical Paths
Decisions
by Akiva at Mystical Paths
A reader wrote, "I loved your latest cross-post. BUT MY SPOUSE WON'T BUDGE! I'm in a pickle. The Jewish Agency is offering the best stimulus package for new and returning immigrants/olim, even for a SPLIT ALIYA (which means one of two spouses). And the picture of Mr. Ederi had a smile that was just intended for me! I saw it in his eyes, as if he were speaking directly to me! My spouse is so tired of listening to me threaten to go ... but what can I do????
I'm super-tired of being here.
Languishing in Chutz L'Aretz"
Dear Languishing,
As I noted in my previous article, I'm not going to discuss the merits of living in Eretz Yisroel, nor those who take various positions for or against (such as the Satmar rebbe's). I will refer you to the sefer Eim Habanim Semecha.
But you asked two other questions which bear discussion. First, you have a major disagreement with your spouse on future life direction (to be in Israel or to stay in your current circumstance), how should you handle that? Second, you want to change your spouse's opinion on this major religious matter, how can you do that?
On the first, the physical world does a wonderful job being very physical. The human mind and body are programmed to build patterns into routines and filters. (This is why, for example, people in New York City can sleep through an immense amount of street noise, it's part of their normal pattern and therefore gets filtered out of their attentive consciousness.) The chachamim were and are amazingly aware of this relatively new area of brain science, and we see incredible wisdom in advice on how to make certain things rote for our children, and how to avoid certain things becoming rote for us.
So you're, thank G-d, living in a seemingly stable life situation, and you're approaching your spouse requesting to turn it all upside down. Naturally, you're spouse thinks you're nuts...
You could: spend a lot of time making very convincing logical arguments (it's almost never going to work), scream rant and rave (this is going to turn your current decent situation into an unpleasant one, and who wants to go into a new situation with such a spouse), threaten and/or even begin to leave (this might work but will create incredible future resentment, any problems in your future life will be your fault). None of the above is the answer.
You should present your logical arguments, and your spiritual ones. Discuss and make known your future desires for your united direction, and then leave it be.Because none of the above methods is going to work, but all of them will damage the holy marital relationship. And peace between husband and wife is exactly that, holy.
On the second, you want to change your spouse's opinion. Here's what to do...
1. Daven to Hashem. Ask, in your own words, that you two together be brought to the right decision and direction, and that if that is the right direction for the two of you, than Hashem bring your spouse to that understanding.
2. Find a reason to present to your spouse THAT MATTERS. Change is almost never driven by logical argument. The energy to actuate a change comes from emotion. Fear, love, desire, pain, they drive change. Love of Hashem and wanting to be closer to Him to fulfill His mitzvot in His given Land. Fear of what might happen in chutz la'aretz. Pain of family or religious situations that would be different in Israel.
Naturally, there's an emotion pushing against it that has to be overcome, fear of change and the unknown.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe once said if there were 10 people who REALLY wanted Moshiach, he would come today. Now, how can you possibly say there aren't 10 Chabad chassidim that really want Moshiach? But, is there really a desire that would drive them to drop whatever was necessary to drop to do whatever needed to be done to bring Moshiach?
Daven to Hashem. And find the emotional key. Then build upon it.
Do NOT damage or destroy your marriage over it. For you can't go up via a negative path.
by Akiva at Mystical Paths
A reader wrote, "I loved your latest cross-post. BUT MY SPOUSE WON'T BUDGE! I'm in a pickle. The Jewish Agency is offering the best stimulus package for new and returning immigrants/olim, even for a SPLIT ALIYA (which means one of two spouses). And the picture of Mr. Ederi had a smile that was just intended for me! I saw it in his eyes, as if he were speaking directly to me! My spouse is so tired of listening to me threaten to go ... but what can I do????
I'm super-tired of being here.
Languishing in Chutz L'Aretz"
Dear Languishing,
As I noted in my previous article, I'm not going to discuss the merits of living in Eretz Yisroel, nor those who take various positions for or against (such as the Satmar rebbe's). I will refer you to the sefer Eim Habanim Semecha.
But you asked two other questions which bear discussion. First, you have a major disagreement with your spouse on future life direction (to be in Israel or to stay in your current circumstance), how should you handle that? Second, you want to change your spouse's opinion on this major religious matter, how can you do that?
On the first, the physical world does a wonderful job being very physical. The human mind and body are programmed to build patterns into routines and filters. (This is why, for example, people in New York City can sleep through an immense amount of street noise, it's part of their normal pattern and therefore gets filtered out of their attentive consciousness.) The chachamim were and are amazingly aware of this relatively new area of brain science, and we see incredible wisdom in advice on how to make certain things rote for our children, and how to avoid certain things becoming rote for us.
So you're, thank G-d, living in a seemingly stable life situation, and you're approaching your spouse requesting to turn it all upside down. Naturally, you're spouse thinks you're nuts...
You could: spend a lot of time making very convincing logical arguments (it's almost never going to work), scream rant and rave (this is going to turn your current decent situation into an unpleasant one, and who wants to go into a new situation with such a spouse), threaten and/or even begin to leave (this might work but will create incredible future resentment, any problems in your future life will be your fault). None of the above is the answer.
You should present your logical arguments, and your spiritual ones. Discuss and make known your future desires for your united direction, and then leave it be.Because none of the above methods is going to work, but all of them will damage the holy marital relationship. And peace between husband and wife is exactly that, holy.
On the second, you want to change your spouse's opinion. Here's what to do...
1. Daven to Hashem. Ask, in your own words, that you two together be brought to the right decision and direction, and that if that is the right direction for the two of you, than Hashem bring your spouse to that understanding.
2. Find a reason to present to your spouse THAT MATTERS. Change is almost never driven by logical argument. The energy to actuate a change comes from emotion. Fear, love, desire, pain, they drive change. Love of Hashem and wanting to be closer to Him to fulfill His mitzvot in His given Land. Fear of what might happen in chutz la'aretz. Pain of family or religious situations that would be different in Israel.
Naturally, there's an emotion pushing against it that has to be overcome, fear of change and the unknown.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe once said if there were 10 people who REALLY wanted Moshiach, he would come today. Now, how can you possibly say there aren't 10 Chabad chassidim that really want Moshiach? But, is there really a desire that would drive them to drop whatever was necessary to drop to do whatever needed to be done to bring Moshiach?
Daven to Hashem. And find the emotional key. Then build upon it.
Do NOT damage or destroy your marriage over it. For you can't go up via a negative path.
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