One important thing that I would like to encourage people to pass on is about genetic testing. Read the endorsements by the Yeshiva University rabbis
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
A Review of the OU/Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey Steve Weil
A Review of the OU/Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey | Everyday Jewish Living | OU Life
“How does my husband have time to learn the daf yomi every day, but he has no time to spend with me?”
“Is it right for my wife to share the most private details of our marriage with her mother?”
“Why can’t my husband just listen and sympathize when I have a problem instead of telling me what I am doing wrong and how I should fix it?”
“We both work long hours and still struggle to make ends meet. Is there any way we can alleviate the stress and the toll it is taking on our marriage?”
Time and again, newly married couples grapple with these types of questions. In the best-case scenario, they are seeking advice. Often, however, they are at wits’ end and tearfully or angrily air grievances. For the most part, such questions come from spouses who are good people and who grew up in healthy families. These types of tensions are not reflective of dysfunctional marriages. Rather, they are simply challenges to be expected when two very different genders and personalities work together to build a shared home and family.
Every couple will have disagreements and confront stress. Problems arise, however, when the marriage begins with unrealistic expectations of achieving “happily ever after” without effort or compromise, or when the couple is insufficiently mature or thoughtful to resolve disagreements in a healthy and constructive way.
The community is increasingly acknowledging that consideration of communal challenges is best explored with the benefit of data and empirical analysis. To this end, the Orthodox Union recently sponsored the Aleinu Marital Satisfaction Survey, which interviewed 5,200 Orthodox Jews. The respondents, ranging from divorcees to the 72% to 74% of couples who considered their marriages good or excellent, consistently identified several common challenges to their relationships. These are the five most cited:
- Marital Intimacy. Due to its sensitive and private nature, the accepted practice within many of our communities is to refrain from addressing the topic of marital intimacy with our children until immediately prior to their marriage. However, our youth are, to differing degrees, dramatically and extensively exposed to various dimensions of physical relationships through the media, literature, and, increasingly, the Internet. Alas, since the community does not “control” the message, teenagers and young adults get a picture that is superficial and deeply detrimental. While we might wish it to be otherwise, the community can no longer afford to defer guidance in this area until marriage, since by then, our children will have developed illusions and expectations that cannot be easily replaced. Regardless of how sheltered we might perceive our children to be, we have entered an age in which it is vitally important for a young man and woman to get the right message before and after they are married. Their teachers need to be open and clear about the Torah’s approach to sexuality, and to how essential a component of a healthy marriage it is, above and beyond the important mitzvah of having children.
This component of marriage is supposed to be pleasurable for both wife and husband, and, to achieve that level, they must learn to talk openly with one another (in a modest way) about their physical relationship. They need to understand that men and women often approach intimacy from opposite sides – men from the physical and women from the emotional – and learn to be sensitive to and accommodating of each other’s needs. In Rabbi Avraham Peretz Friedman’s book Marital Intimacy – A Traditional Jewish Approach (Jason Aronson, 1997), two chapters address the mitzvah of onah and discuss the “nine middos” (thoughts and intentions that undermine intimacy). Rabbi Peretz’s book should be required reading for men both before and during marriage.
- Relationships with In-Laws. It is wonderful when children have a close relationship with their parents; such closeness and respect for parents should not end when they get married. However, the relationship does need to shift in such a way that makes room for the spouse, and G-d willing the children, to become the nucleus around which everything else revolves. The couple must become the center of each other’s universe.
Occasionally, a married child or a parent simply cannot bring themselves to cut the proverbial cord, causing potential discord and needless tension. This challenge is particularly acute when parents are supporting the young couple financially. Parents need to be socialized to the independence they provide their married children, and young couples need to know that it is ok, even necessary, to set boundaries with their parents. Such boundaries should be implemented respectfully, but the needs of the spouse must trump the needs of everyone else, including parents.
- Managing Financial Struggles. The combination of today’s economy and the particularly high cost of an Orthodox lifestyle is often crippling. The financial burdens of supporting a family can be a jolting wake-up call to young men and women who have never been financially independent. Many young couples are naïve in assuming “it will all work out,” unaware that the chronic stress of drowning under financial pressure may take a toll on their marriage. Psychologists have found that marriages can withstand acute crises of a limited duration, but can be worn down by chronic, ongoing stress that does not ease with time. This is why never-ending financial burdens can devour marriages.
- Making Time for Each Other. When couples are dating, and during the engagement, they cannot imagine how busy life will get once they are married, managing a home and pursuing careers. When children are added to the equation, the sum of their efforts leave little or no time to invest in their relationship. Couples need to be aware that, while spending significant time together feels so natural during the pre-marriage stages, doing so once married often requires deliberate planning and commitment. They need to be taught that limited quality time, such as an occasional vacation (though wonderful and a nice memory), does not substitute for quantity time. Relationships solidify and grow when couples are present for each other day in and day out, in the mundane routines of ordinary life. 22% of those interviewed for the survey cited lack of time together as a significant issue in their marriage.
- Inadequate Communication Skills. Men and women have different styles of communication, as do those with different personalities or different backgrounds. It is therefore no surprise that a whopping 23% of husbands and wives report frustration with their inability to communicate effectively with their spouses. Some complain that their spouse talks too little, others that it is too much. Some don’t feel safe opening up to their partners because of judgmental reactions to earlier expressions of feelings. Communication patterns set in the early days of the marriage often become entrenched and, if counter-productive, are hard to unravel as time marches on. Communication skills must, therefore, be learned before marriage.
The results of this survey, specifically these five issues often cited as stressors in marriage, tell us a lot about the state of marriage today. Recognizing and preparing for the challenges that lie ahead can help newlywed couples deal with the issues that they are likely to encounter.
In my opinion, it is crucial for a couple to be properly prepared and educated, not just in the laws of taharas hamishpacha, but in the many areas couples find challenging, such as those described by the OU study. I suggest that these fit the category ofv’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha. V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha is not an esoteric mitzvah; the greater and more profound the relationship one has, the greater the obligation. It follows, therefore, that the greatest responsibility is to one’s spouse.
The push for pre-marriage education needs to come from multiple sources. The couple’s parents should insist that this be a prerequisite to the wedding. Parents who have themselves been married for at least eighteen-plus years, know first hand the challenges that their children will be facing. Even if they have had an “ideal” marriage and set the best example possible for their children, the young bride and groom will be facing their own unique circumstances.
The rabbi, especially if he is officiating at the wedding, is the source of advice, guidance and education for the new couple. If he and perhaps his rebbetzin are available, they can be a wonderful resource, and can work with the couple to provide this thorough education. If not, he can and should require the bride and groom to find teachers who will spend the necessary time helping them prepare for all aspects of the marriage. As it seems that the ordinary course of chinuch is proving insufficient to prepare talmidim and talmidot for marriage, it is hoped that rabbeimand Roshei Yeshiva will consider instituting preparation programs, as well.
While a typical kallah spends numerous hours learning the meticulous details ofniddah and mikva, she mustalso learn what it is like to share a home with a man and what she can do to help their relationship flourish. A typical groom will go for achosson schmooze or two, but, just like one cannot become a talmid chacham from attending a shiur or two, a man cannot become a good spouse with such limited preparation. A bride and groom are embarking on the most important and meaningful relationship in their lives. Parents, rabbeim, and chosson and kallahteachers must impress upon the couple the urgency of significant preparation.
While pre-marital education is vital to the success of a marriage, post-marital education is even more crucial. In this regard, certain segments of the Orthodox community can learn from each other. Several Chasidic communities have established a mentoring system in which new couples are partnered with established couples, meeting on a regular basis to deal with the challenges of creating a healthy marriage and home life. Each community should seek to create a similar system, adjusted to the needs and character of its membership. Another model employed by certainrabbanim (and which happens to be the standard practice of the Archdiocese) is to require couples to attend post-marital sessions at regular intervals after their wedding.
There is wisdom in these models, as all premarital education is necessarily theoretical. A fiancé is practically perfect every time the couple gets together. They each are dressed up, they talk about lofty goals and ideals, reveling in each other’s company and attention. Only after the marriage do they wake up and see what the other one looks like in the morning, clean up after each other’s messes, and share responsibilities for the mundane tedium of real life. That is precisely when they will benefit most from the guidance and education of a rabbi and rebbetzin or chossonand kallah teacher. Such post-marital sessions should be mandatory– not too soon that they don’t yet appreciate how practical it is, but not too late that small, manageable issues have already begun to fester and morph into seeds of bitterness and discontent.
Whether it is pre- or post-marital education, rabbis and teachers need to acknowledge the many challenges couples will likely encounter, and they need to be open and to communicate clearly with the men and women who come to them for guidance.
Some suggestions are:
- Acknowledge that the husband and wife are two individuals, each endowed with their own personalities, tendencies and talents. They come from different homes – perhaps different cultural backgrounds – and may have different expectations of marriage and home life. These differences don’t make one spouse better or worse, but they will likely cause some tension as these varying traits and behaviors clash.
- Acknowledge that (to quote Rabbi Yaakov Glasser) “men are from Prague and women are from Vilna.” Males and females view and experience life differently – they express feelings differently, relate to others differently, respond differently physically, cognitively, and emotionally If a husband or wife did not have much exposure to the opposite sex before dating and marriage, this can be a very difficult path to navigate without some enlightenment about gender differences.
- Perhaps the most important message a couple can learn in pre- and post-marital education is that a certain amount of conflict in a marriage is normal, and that being prepared to recognize it and deal with it is the best defense. The strongest marriages are not the ones that have no disagreements, but the ones in which spouses address their differences openly, honestly and constructively, as this brings them closer with every resolution.
As hard as we try to shelter our young men and women, they are bombarded by a culture whose messages fly in the face of our core Torah values. We owe it to our children, our congregants and our students to empower them with the tools and skills they need to succeed at a relationship that the majority of modern society has doomed to fail. Hakadosh Baruch Hutaught us that “it is not good for man to be alone” (Bereishis 2:18). It is our responsibility to ensure the next logical step – that it is good to be together.
Dear Emuna: Abusive Husband?
Dear Emuna: Abusive Husband?
Dear Emuna,
I love my husband and we have a great relationship, but sometimes he gets very mad at me and curses me out. He'll even sometimes try to put his hands on me, but we always make up and everything is great again. This stresses me out a lot because it happens too often. My stress starts interfering with my job. I cry all day sometimes; that's how deeply it bothers me. But I love him and I’m willing to work things out. I’m a little dramatic myself though but I have been trying to not respond or continue arguing. But he still gets mad.... Please advise.
– Hurt and Stressed
Dear Hurt,
Since you describe a complicated situation outside my realm of expertise, I consulted with my friend Shirley Lebovics, LCSW, who has years of experience dealing with situations such as yours. This is her response:
As you mention, you are in a very stressful relationship, which is understandably taking a heavy toll on you emotionally. Even though there are undoubtedly some very wonderful things about your husband that attracted you to him, and that reinforce your love for him, your marriage is comprised of disrespectful treatment, i.e. cursing, yelling and the threat or use of physical aggression. Behavior like this demands some professional attention, particularly because, typically, situations like this get worse unless some significant help is applied. It is best if you see someone alone, so that you can be forthcoming with regarding the details of your home life. Try and get a referral to someone who is specially trained in dealing with these kinds of difficulties, perhaps from your local rabbi or Shalom Task force hotline. It will offer you some much needed support and attention and guide you in responding to your husband and taking care of yourself.
You may also want to avail yourself of either of these two books, which may capture your experience. The Shame Borne in Silence by Dr. Abraham Twerski and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Hope this helps (thank you Shirley!)
– Emuna
Dear Emuna,
My problem is getting everyone to come to the table at the same time. It is such a big operation – preparing dinner and setting the table and then cleaning up afterwards – that’s not to mention the fighting/silliness of the meal itself. Oh, and getting everyone to come to the table when dinner is being served! I have to yell at them to come; they leave what they are doing a mess etc…and not to mention the fact that I can barely sit down for one minute because of all the serving and the demands during the meal!
I really would like us all to eat dinner together but it just seems so hard. The only time we eat all together is Shabbos; during the week I will prepare food and just give each child individually or two at a time.
Should I aim for us all to eat together or accept the situation the way it is now? My kids are little (ages 8, 6, 5 and 2). What do you think?
– Running Ragged
Dear Running Ragged,
I am not in your home facing your challenges but I am a strong believer in family dinnertime. It is an opportunity for the kids to decompress, for important bits of information/news to leak out and for the family to bond. Does that mean it will always be pleasant? Certainly not. Does that mean it will be effortless? A big no there as well.
You need to get a little tougher. What do you mean you have to yell at them to come? If this is their only chance to eat and you’re not waiting on them on demand, they’ll come.
You are constantly jumping up and down? Why? Put all the food on the table and that should be it. As I am fond of telling my family, “This is not a restaurant.” If a child really doesn’t like dinner, there is one option and one option only: cereal and milk. Just as this is not a restaurant, I am not a short-order cook and neither should you be. Your kids are certainly old enough to help set and clear the table. You can take that off your head and it is good education for them as well.
Structured appropriately you will find that not only can you get the benefits of everyone eating together, but in the end, it’s actually easier!
– Emuna
Dear Emuna,
How can we teach children to be grateful for what others do for them? How do we turn them from being takers into givers?
– Yet Another Frazzled Mom
Dear Frazzled Mom,
You ask a question that I think every parent asks – and never stops asking! The Torah is filled with lessons on gratitude – from the story of Cain and Abel that highlights Cain’s lack of appreciation to the constant building of altars to thank the Almighty to Moses’ inability to strike the Nile because it had hidden him as a child.
If gratitude were easy, we wouldn’t need to be taught it over and over and over again. On top of that, particularly with respect to parents, the relationship is so uneven. Parents do so much, they love so much; the level of dependency and the amount “owed” threaten to overwhelm the child and they may turn away.
It is certainly best not to expect or demand gratitude but to rather, as with everything else, model it on all occasions. You don’t want them to be takers? Don’t let them hear you discussing how many times you had the Steinbergs over for dinner and how they haven’t had you once. Or resentfully complaining about the beggars collecting tzedaka. Or comparing the size of the gift you received to the one you gave. Or (my personal weakness) talking about how many times you drove carpool compared to the other parents!
Let them see you expressing gratitude – to your parents for all they have given you, to your friends for inviting you over or helping you out or just being a friend, to the mail carrier for delivering the mail, to the waiter for bringing the food, to the child whose chore it is to clear the table. The more we demonstrate our own appreciation for the giving of others, the more our children will learn gratitude. And of course, the more we express a sense of entitlement, and resentment when our expectations are not met, the more they will learn that as well.
In addition, we need to give without complaint. We need to show joy and pleasure in giving. If our children see giving as a positive experience, they will want a piece of it. If they see it as an uncomfortable, demanding and draining experience, they will shy away. It is up to us.
Finally, I think that everyone who embraces the idea of giving will testify that in the end it turns out to be a very selfish act – you actually get more than you give! If you open your home and your heart to others, not only will your children not suffer, but they will experience an expanded world of caring. The praise, the attention, the gratitude (!) they get in return from the recipients of their family’s kindness is perhaps the greatest lesson of all.
– Emuna
Boloney by Rabbi Lazer Brody
http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/boloney.aspx?id=24826&language=english
Needless to see, Rabbi Shalom and I get a huge amount of mail. Most of the time, the letters are full of heart-breaking tribulations that people are going through. Yet, when the same folks see the light at the end of the tunnel, they often forget to update us.
Marvin from Canada is in the process of becoming a winning husband. When he first picked up "The Garden of Peace", he wrote in the margin, "boloney!" Here's his story in his own words:
Dear Rabbis Shalom Arush and Lazer Brody, Shalom from my heart to yours!
A few months ago a young man came to our house and knocked on the door. He spoke good English and offered me your book, "The Garden of Emuna." He wrote his name on the inside cover but I can't read it. Anyway, he came back again at the end of summer and asked if I had read the book. I told him that I hadn't.
He seemed a little hurt but he offered me another book of yours, "The Garden of Peace". I told him I'd read it and that I'd call him. I put the book on the table and forgot about it. My wife saw it and spent one Shabbat reading it from cover to cover. She was blown away by the insight you have about women. She told me that if every husband would take this book to heart, there would be no more unhappy wives, one of which was her.
Of course, I didn't want to read the book but I knew that I was a long way from being the husband my wife deserved. The morning after she read the book she told me about her needs that I wasn't meeting. She spoke differently and I was able to listen to her for the first time at that level. I told her that I was afraid of the severe judgments that would be waiting for me if I were to fail. Just admitting this to her opened a flood gate of tears in my eyes. I never admitted such a thing before. I also admitted, "I don't know how to be a good husband." Who taught me to be a good husband? Nobody! I've been on my own and failing miserably. Then I took your book in my hands, went downstairs to my work area and started to read. It was a difficult beginning for me as I was having a very hard time accepting the concept that everything my wife said was as if Hashem was saying it through her to me.
In fact, when I first read it I made a note, 'boloney', in the margin. I didn't give up though but kept reading. My heart started to soften when you explained the female part of me and described how it manifested itself in criticisms, critique, argumentativeness, not accepting responsibility for my actions, blaming my wife, wanting to get instead of give, behaving like a female instead of a male. That was the beginning of change for me. You made sense to me. I'm now half way through the book a second time and do not think anything is boloney. It's an incredible blessing to me. I especially like knowing not to expect anything from my wife; my purpose is to receive from Hashem and give to her. I don't need honor, recognition, praise, sex or anything from her. I'm complete with what I receive from Hashem.
As I become more established, I'm seeing how my wife is changing towards me. The anger is going away and she's able to feel that the changes in me are real and that I'm not pretending anything. Another huge insight that I've incorporated into my daily life is the ability to constantly examine the state of my personal holiness. I'm no longer consumed by bodily lust. I feel much stronger in my spirit and I have great expectations for the future as I'm finally able to relate to life as a man. You opened my understanding of myself and I can look forward to becoming more united with Hashem, for my wife will be blessed everytime I'm blessed by Hashem. She'll soon know no need as I'll have no need. As Hashem supplies all my needs, I'll supply all of hers. She'll lack nothing because I will have finally been able to make her first place in my life, something she is beginning to feel for the first time in our 17-year marriage. The changes have happened quickly because the insight was so helpful. Thank you so much; my wife keeps asking, 'how did a man gain such insight into the needs of a woman?' She thinks if every man would accept your teachings, war would end and the world would live in peace. She's right.
With greatest appreciation, Marvin from Canada
Needless to see, Rabbi Shalom and I get a huge amount of mail. Most of the time, the letters are full of heart-breaking tribulations that people are going through. Yet, when the same folks see the light at the end of the tunnel, they often forget to update us.
Marvin from Canada is in the process of becoming a winning husband. When he first picked up "The Garden of Peace", he wrote in the margin, "boloney!" Here's his story in his own words:
Dear Rabbis Shalom Arush and Lazer Brody, Shalom from my heart to yours!
A few months ago a young man came to our house and knocked on the door. He spoke good English and offered me your book, "The Garden of Emuna." He wrote his name on the inside cover but I can't read it. Anyway, he came back again at the end of summer and asked if I had read the book. I told him that I hadn't.
He seemed a little hurt but he offered me another book of yours, "The Garden of Peace". I told him I'd read it and that I'd call him. I put the book on the table and forgot about it. My wife saw it and spent one Shabbat reading it from cover to cover. She was blown away by the insight you have about women. She told me that if every husband would take this book to heart, there would be no more unhappy wives, one of which was her.Of course, I didn't want to read the book but I knew that I was a long way from being the husband my wife deserved. The morning after she read the book she told me about her needs that I wasn't meeting. She spoke differently and I was able to listen to her for the first time at that level. I told her that I was afraid of the severe judgments that would be waiting for me if I were to fail. Just admitting this to her opened a flood gate of tears in my eyes. I never admitted such a thing before. I also admitted, "I don't know how to be a good husband." Who taught me to be a good husband? Nobody! I've been on my own and failing miserably. Then I took your book in my hands, went downstairs to my work area and started to read. It was a difficult beginning for me as I was having a very hard time accepting the concept that everything my wife said was as if Hashem was saying it through her to me.
In fact, when I first read it I made a note, 'boloney', in the margin. I didn't give up though but kept reading. My heart started to soften when you explained the female part of me and described how it manifested itself in criticisms, critique, argumentativeness, not accepting responsibility for my actions, blaming my wife, wanting to get instead of give, behaving like a female instead of a male. That was the beginning of change for me. You made sense to me. I'm now half way through the book a second time and do not think anything is boloney. It's an incredible blessing to me. I especially like knowing not to expect anything from my wife; my purpose is to receive from Hashem and give to her. I don't need honor, recognition, praise, sex or anything from her. I'm complete with what I receive from Hashem.
As I become more established, I'm seeing how my wife is changing towards me. The anger is going away and she's able to feel that the changes in me are real and that I'm not pretending anything. Another huge insight that I've incorporated into my daily life is the ability to constantly examine the state of my personal holiness. I'm no longer consumed by bodily lust. I feel much stronger in my spirit and I have great expectations for the future as I'm finally able to relate to life as a man. You opened my understanding of myself and I can look forward to becoming more united with Hashem, for my wife will be blessed everytime I'm blessed by Hashem. She'll soon know no need as I'll have no need. As Hashem supplies all my needs, I'll supply all of hers. She'll lack nothing because I will have finally been able to make her first place in my life, something she is beginning to feel for the first time in our 17-year marriage. The changes have happened quickly because the insight was so helpful. Thank you so much; my wife keeps asking, 'how did a man gain such insight into the needs of a woman?' She thinks if every man would accept your teachings, war would end and the world would live in peace. She's right.
With greatest appreciation, Marvin from Canada
3 Ways You Can Save Your Friend's Marriage
3 Ways You Can Save Your Friend's Marriage
It's only natural to want to help your friend or loved one who is experiencing marital woes. Unfortunately, sometimes we can do more damage than good. It takes a tremendous amount of sensitivity when it comes to helping couples. I have witnessed many bad marriages that have gotten worse due to third-party involvement.
Here are three ways you can be most helpful and save your friend's marriage:
1. Learn how to listen.
While you may think you are a good listener, you may not realize that your well-intentioned attempts to provide unsolicited advice, commiserating, or discounting feelings could leave your friend actually feeling unheard. True listening is focused on the "other" and not yourself. The best thing you can do is to listen to your friend without responding. Try "mirroring" back their feelings by repeating back what they say without interjecting your own opinion. Many times when they hear their words reflected back, they feel relieved, gain greater clarity, and often come up with solutions on their own.
While you can validate their feelings by letting them know they make sense and empathize with them by imagining what emotions they may be experiencing, being there for your friend in his/her moment of pain is the greatest gift that you can give.
2. Don't take sides.
An honest judge can't adjudicate a ruling without hearing and understanding both sides. While you can provide emotional support for your friend, realize that you have only heard one side of the story.
Relationships are a dynamic dance where multiple factors from past and present come to play and create the storm of drama that couples are weathering. As a therapist, I often have one spouse call me to set up the appointment. They sometimes tell me about their reasons for coming for counseling and often present very painful accounts about their relationship. I always know that there are two sides to the story and am never surprised to hear how both equally contribute to the nightmare they are currently experiencing. (Of course, we are not talking about situations of physical abuse. Regardless of provocation, it is unacceptable and unsafe and no excuses should be made for such behavior.)
Many times family members, friends, and other advice-givers get involved and demonize the other spouse. If the couple ever does to decide to work on repairing the relationship, sometimes the damage is too great to bring about repair. The emboldened spouse often can't possibly admit to taking responsibility for their role as their views about the other spouse being the source of all bad in the relationship have been confirmed time and time again. How irresponsible for others who are sought after for advice to judge the other spouse based on a biased account. Relationships are extremely complicated and it takes a mature and broad perspective to understand what is really going on. It is quite easy to get wrapped up in the details of the story and get stuck in a never-ending power struggle where both end up being losers.
3. Refer to a competent professional.
Just as you wouldn't go to your general practitioner, and certainly not a plumber, to perform open-heart surgery, make sure that when saving your friends' marriage you send them to someone that knows what they are doing. As much as you want to help, don't be your friend's therapist. Refer to competent professionals who have advanced training in couple’s therapy and specialize in working with couples. Make sure to get references from people you respect. It is amazing how discerning we are with other service professionals, but with our marriage we will just go to whoever is covered by our insurance plan.
Although you may think a marriage counselor's job is to save your marriage, you may be surprised if they take sides or even encourage divorce. While this is not the norm, it is a strong enough current that must be taken into account when trying to help your friend's relationship. There wouldn’t be marriage-friendly web directories for therapist if this were not an issue. Make sure the counselor will hold the hope for your friend's relationship and help move them forward to healing and reconciliation.
While it takes two willing partners to make a marriage work, a good therapist can help even the most troubled relationships if they are competent and believe in the institution of marriage. This doesn't mean that these therapists believe divorce is forbidden, but their job as a marriage counselor is to help the relationship thrive.
No one likes to see their friend or loved one in pain and it is usually out of a good place that we take action to help be supportive. By learning how to listen, not taking sides, and referring to a competent professional when necessary, you are taking three constructive steps that will help your friend’s marriage instead of perpetuating negativity and conflict.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
A Modest Miracle by Rivka Levy
http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/judaism/practical_halacha/a_modest_miracle.aspx?id=16092&language=english
| By: Rivka Levy | |
Sometimes, if you don’t experience something for yourself, you simply don’t believe that it’s true. How many of us have heard about other people’s miraculous stories, and found them too hard to swallow? So I’m warning you now, dear reader, you may find this a little hard to believe – but it’s all true.
A few months ago at the end of November, my oldest daughter got hit with a bad case of flu. I took her to the doctor – for the first time in two years – and he told me that it was probably swine flu, and there was nothing to do except wait it out.
I waited two weeks. She was still coughing, still miserable and still very under the weather. The doctor checked her again, and said if it didn’t clear up soon, we’d have to think about antibiotics.
Shortly after that second visit, it cleared up for a week or so – I started saying some tehillim in the meantime – but very soon afterwards, I noticed that the haggard look was back on her face, and she was complaining about aches and pains all over the place.
I was starting to get seriously worried about her. My normally bubbly, bouncy, rosy-cheeked girl was pallid, depressed, coughing, wheezing and miserable. This was all happening back in January. I’ve written elsewhere about how a big part of the problem turned out to be that she was being teased in school. But even when I realised that, and we decided to move school and community as a result, and the teasing let up considerably, there was still not much of a visible improvement in my daughter’s health.
Back to the doctor we went – another two times. The last time, he looked at me quite thoughtfully, and told me that he really didn’t think that there was anything very much wrong, despite how unwell she looked.
I was completely baffled – and worrying terribly. In the meantime, hay fever season started, and my daughter started streaming cold night and day, finding it hard to sleep, and breaking out in allergic reactions. And she was still complaining that her head hurt.
I simply didn’t know what to do. My daughter was languishing, and I knew if I took her back to the doctor he’d probably certify me as having a mental problem. But she wasn’t well. She wasn’t sleeping. She wasn’t happy.
I prayed and prayed and prayed. I said ‘thank you’ for the fact that she was unwell – no improvement. I begged Hashem to heal her and upped my tehillim – no improvement. I was really starting to panic.
Then, I realised that there is no tribulation without prior transgression. Maybe I was doing something wrong to cause her illness? Initially, I thought that perhaps Hashem was trying to teach me to have more emuna, and to trust Him more – areas that I still need a lot of work on.
I did some more hitbodedut around that idea – but nothing was clicking or falling into place. I spent days only a fraction away from complete collapse, feeling that my motherly instinct that something ‘serious’ was wrong with my daughter had to be right after all, because otherwise, after four long months and one planned move, why was I still so scared for her?
That’s when I decided to call my Rav. I don’t call my Rav for everything, or even most things. Normally, I try to work things through in hitbodedut, and it nearly always gives me the clarity I need to know what Hashem is trying to tell me.
But I’d given this situation four months; I’d been to the doctor four times; I’d spent hours and hours and hours praying – and I felt like I simply wasn’t getting anywhere.
I knew that I just couldn’t do it by myself, so I called him, and explained what was going on.
The first thing he asked me was: “How’s her tznius?”
 Tznius – modesty?! I was shocked. Then I thought about how she’d been dressing recently, and how in the last few months she’d grown up a lot, physically, and a lot of her clothes were kind of tight or didn’t cover everything they should do.
Gosh. Her tznius was actually pretty lousy! I was even more shocked. I’ve been making more and more of an effort to dress modestly, but I simply hadn’t realised that my daughter increasingly wasn’t.
“When did she turn nine?” my Rav wanted to know. I thought about it; then realised that the day of her ninth birthday was probably the worst day of my life. It was the day I’d got so anxious about her health I spent the whole day in bed, throwing up.
Wow.
I’d always thought that the tznius rules only really kicked in for girls at age twelve, but that’s not the case. As my Rav explained to me, once a girl turns nine, they have to really up the ante on their tznius, as many girls of that age are already developing physically – like my daughter. Hashem had been trying to tell me that therewas something seriously wrong, spiritually. But I didn’t have good enough spiritual antennae to pick up the message. It took my Rav to tell me what was going on.
“She’s already better,” he told me. “Make sure she starts to really dress modestly, including socks, and you’ll see she’ll pick up in no time.”
It’s strange, but I just knew in my neshama that my Rav was right. My daughter was going to be ok, Bezrat Hashem.
That afternoon, I bought loads of modest tops that were long enough to cover everything they should, and cleaned out any clothes that had got too small or weren’t suitable. The next day, I shlepped my whining, sick, tired daughter all over the place, trying to find a couple of suitable long skirts and socks.
She still looked terrible, but my husband kept reassuring me that we had already turned the corner. “It’s just a test now, to see if you are really going to have faith in what the Rav told you,” he said.
He was bang on the money.
Within a week, she had perked up considerably. At this point, now more than two weeks’ later, she is a different child. She’s started dancing again, laughing again, eating again.
She’s still not 100% – I don’t think she will be until we’ve both properly internalised that we simply can’t let the tznius slide. I am going to need a lot of siyata dishemaya to walk the fine line between encouraging my daughter to dress like a princess, and not just stuffing tznius down her throat, after really not being so strict for so long.
We’ve had a few ‘issues’, but for the most part, she has responded so wonderfully, and I’m asking Hashem to help me help her only improve from here.
And in the meantime, so many things are now making sense. Like why she was teased so much at school about her appearance; like why her ninth birthday was so memorably terrible; like why Hashem made it so obvious that we simply couldn’t continue living in the same place or continue going to the same school.
He got my daughter out of a potentially devastating situation just in the nick of time. Even in her ‘less-than-tznius’ mode, she was still more tznius than most of her classmates. And it would only have got harder and harder.
If someone had told me a few months ago that not dressing modestly could affect a person’s health and well-being, I’m not sure I would have believed them. But after everything I’ve been through the last few weeks, I really am seeing the clear link between dressing modestly, and having Hashem’s blessings in my home.
It’s taken a modest miracle to get to this point. Now, I’m asking Hashem to continue doing His kindnesses, and to help my girls be in an environment where being modest isn’t just something they learn in theory, but a real way of life.
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See here for an overview of tzniut ask your rabbi for any more details and final decisions
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Smiling Reb Gutman Locks
Smiling
by Reb Gutman Locks
Most religious Jews would be better off if they smiled more (most everyone would be!) It is surprising how many of them vigorously defend their stern looks. It seems that they are worried if they smile someone might think that they are playing around.
Here is what modern scientists say about your smile:
Scientists note that when a person makes a happy face, even when it’s completely fake, his body starts to produce the physiological symptoms of joy. And similarly, when a person frowns their physiology changes in ways that indicate sadness.[i]
And the Torah says: “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.”[ii]
“When G-d returns the exiles of Zion, we will have been like dreamers. Then our mouth will be filled with laughter and our tongue with songs of joy”[iii]
You don’t have to wait for the Final Redemption before you smile. In fact, your smile might help to bring it quicker.[iv]
[i] Scientific American, Mind and Brain, Oct 14, 2009, Melinda Wenner, “Smile it could make you happier.”
[ii] Proverbs 15:13
[iii] Psalms 126:1
[iv] G-d’s revealed Presence comes only in joy. Shabbos 30b
Why Older Couples Divorce
Why Older Couples Divorce
More and more couples are splitting up as they grow older. In fact, a quarter of all divorces now involve those over 50. Reflecting this trend, the New York Times began a new feature on their Sunday Vows page called ‘Unhitched-Lessons Learned When It’s All Over’. Divorced couples are asked to look back at their life together, reflect on its’ unraveling, and try to understand why their marriage could not be saved.
The trend is puzzling. Many people spend years looking forward to this season of life. They imagine the peace and quiet, lovely dinners in restaurants without tantrums, and trips and vacations to far off places they’ve only dreamed of for years. No more frenzied carpools, no more orthodontist appointments, PTA’s and nights spent chasing the kids to do homework and take baths are but a distant memory. Sounds awesome, so what went wrong?
Our sages advise: "Who is wise? The one who is able to foresee the future” (Talmud Tamid 32a). You can strengthen your marriages now by contemplating about the life that awaits you down the road. Prepare and invest in your tomorrow as you live today.
Lonely in the Empty Test
Couples who have spent years parenting and working hard on their careers through their 20’s and 30’s surprisingly discover that they are not the same people they were when they began their journey together. Over the newly quiet dinner table they find awkwardness. Husband and wife realize that the person sitting across from them seems unfamiliar. Through all the chaos of the ‘wonder years’ we sometimes evolve into different people. We wake up one morning, the kids are gone, and we don’t recognize the intimate stranger with whom we share our life.
Researchers tracking divorce rates wrote about this in a paper called The Grey Divorce. They report that in 1990, fewer than 1 in 10 individuals who divorced were 50 or older. Almost 20 years later, the number jumped to 1 in 4. In 2009, more than 600,000 people ages 50 and over got divorced. If we pay attention to the warning signals, we can try to ensure that we do not become part of these statistics.
Warning Bells
There are signs that we ignore as we go on living ‘the same old same old’. Usually, it is not one devastating emotional earthquake that suddenly rocks a marriage. Instead, there are small cracks along the fault line that ultimately push a husband and wife away from each other. The craters formed become too big a divide. The marriage is now beyond repair. What are some warning bells?
Missed Cues
A husband or wife tries to reach out and signals a desire to spend more time together. He wants to go out more often. She says she’s too tired and besides, she can’t leave the kids at night. She asks to talk together more and tries to communicate her fears or frustrations. He says ‘it’s all good, stop worrying so much’ and does not give her the feeling that he is listening. These are missed cues that keep repeating themselves until a person just grows too weary and stops trying.
Withdrawal
When asked to extend oneself physically or emotionally, some individuals withdraw instead. Both men and women find it easy to discover different avenues where they seek a safe haven. Here are some to watch out for: long nights on work projects, after office get-togethers, being consumed with a hobby or leisure activity, child rearing responsibilities, caring for aging parents, too many hours in the gym, community events or intense social friendships. Of course we all need outlets and personal space. But once we use these outlets as means of retreat from a spouse, the danger to future stability becomes obvious.
Loss of romance
With all the stress of daily living, it becomes easy to put off intimacy and romance. Long discussions about paying bills, school issues, and difficulties with the children overtake our conversations. Sentimental walks and sweet talk between husband and wife seem to be part of a past life. Faced with new couple time after years of living all about the kids, this time together can feel strange. It becomes easy for husband and wife to lead separate lives each on their own laptop or iPhone. The empty nest is filled with silence; there is barely what to say to one another. Passion must be rediscovered.
3 Solutions to Protect Your Marriage
I read about one couple whose kids had moved on and now they were on the verge of divorce. They each felt in the other’s way. Their solution was to stay married but live in two separate homes and schedule weekly time together. After putting decades into a marriage, there must be better ways to spend our remaining years together.
Here are three solutions to incorporate into our lives right now:
1. Constantly get to know your partner
Ask questions about his world, evolving likes and dislikes, nourish her hopes and dreams. Don’t assume that your spouse is not changing or growing. Talk about where you see yourselves down the road. Share your visions for the future. Take the time to listen to each other’s desires and fears.
2. Create time for romance
Be sure not to neglect your intimate life, both emotional and physical. Of course we are all aware of the importance of date night. But how many of us really make it happen? And once we do, how do we make the night come alive?
Is the time spent together having conversations about the kids or rehashing old disagreements? Besides enjoying a couple’s dinner together, nurture your inner selves. Break out of the old routine. Visit a different part of town, take a class together, try a novel cuisine. Don’t live passively. Find ways to explore new roads and ignite a zeal for living. And while you do, don’t forget to speak lovingly and give each other words of gratitude each day. I have found that showing sensitivity and saying ‘I love you’ is the crazy glue that keeps us together.
3. Include your spouse in your life
When you find an activity that inspires you, share your enthusiasm with your partner. Talk about your interests. Explain why this is important to you. Find a way to include your spouse. If you’ve taken up running or tennis, or if art has now captured your attention, ask yourself how you can help your partner feel involved. I have met many couples who have grown closer after one invited the other to attend a Torah class that had sparked a spiritual awakening. The point is to share your passion.
When we care for the garden of young love, the fruits of our efforts will bring us joy and contentment long after our youngest child bids us farewell and we are able to share our lives together with blessing.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Make Your Spouse Happy Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc.
Make Your Spouse Happy
Wife to Husband: When you ignore my birthday, it makes me feel unimportant. What I really want is for you to acknowledge my birthday.
Husband: I don’t do birthdays.
Really? You don’t do birthdays? Surely you meant, “Before I was married, I never felt that celebrating birthdays was important. But now that I see how important the practice is to you, Dear Wife, I’ll be happy to make that little change and begin celebrating birthdays right away!”
You meant this because you understand that the primary goal in marriage is to make your spouse happy. If you know that something will make him or her happy and it’s within the realm of things you are capable of doing, you will do it. After all, your happy spouse is your happy marriage. (And of course, your unhappy spouse, is your unhappy marriage!).
Marriage Requires Changing
Why would anyone do something or refrain from doing something, knowing that their actions will cause pain to their spouse? In other words, why would the husband in the birthday scenario respond the way he did? He’s not an evil person or even a selfish person. He’s just a man who hasn’t yet realized that his task is to make his wife happy. He thinks that by making himself happy – doing what works for him – he’ll experience the greatest happiness in the least amount of time.
Unfortunately, he is SO wrong! If he’s married, he can’t make himself happy at his wife’s expense. He is no longer operating solo; everything he does and says is reflected right back to him. His wife is his mirror: smile at her and she smiles back. Frown at her, and she frowns back. Send a sour attitude and….guess what comes back?
The same reality works for the wife. When they treat each other well, husband and wife both radiate in the glow of the love they express and when they treat each other poorly, both suffocate in the cloud of gloom they generate.
Good treatment involves taking your spouse’s wishes seriously.
Good treatment involves taking your spouse’s wishes seriously. “I’d really like to spend more time with you,” “I’d really appreciate it if you could hang up your clothes,” “It would make me so happy if you would call my Mom once in awhile,” “I really need your help putting the kids to bed,” “I prefer it when you wear your nice clothes around the house.” Whatever it is that your spouse longs for – just do it! Making your spouse happy will make YOU happy and making your spouse miserable will cause you to suffer too.
If you don’t do it, consider how your spouse will feel. Even if he or she stops complaining to you about it, the dissatisfaction stays inside. People who come to marriage counseling after 25 years of marriage often complain that they have experienced disappointment about the same issues for the full two and a half decades. That’s a lot of pain and negative energy. In fact, the reason people divorce after managing to stay married for so long, is often that they can no longer tolerate the mound of hurt that has festered inside. Don’t make the mistake of confusing your spouse’s silence with compliance. You just might be too difficult to talk to; your spouse has chosen not to open up to you.
Exceptions to the Rule
Making your spouse happy need not involve making yourself crazy. Therefore, if what your spouse longs for is too difficult for you to do or outright unreasonable, adjustments must be made to the “just do it” rule. For things that are difficult, but not impossible nor strictly unreasonable, you can often modify the criteria for a better fit. If your spouse wants to celebrate birthdays with huge parties but you actually hate parties you could offer to make him or her a party for every decade rather than every year. This would involve a stretch for you and a compromise for your spouse – both of which are marriage-minded activities.
However, if your spouse asks you to wake up at 3 a.m. each morning, feel free to say “this is something that I can’t do.” Additionally, if your spouse has excessive demands and/or endless requests, you needn’t feel that you must comply with all of them in order to make him or her happy. Most likely, professional counseling can help sift out the reasonable from unreasonable wishes, helping both partners identify healthy limits.
Apart from these exceptions, get in the habit of asking yourself this question when your spouse wants something from you: “Can I do it (without undue pain and suffering)?” If the answer is “yes,” then just do it. If the answer is “no,” then ask yourself this question: “Can I find another way to do it that I can do?” If there are too many “no’s” to both questions, then enlist the help of a professional if possible. Remember, both partners must work together to create the “just do it” marriage. So just do it.
Excerpted from Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s recently published Make Yourself at Home. Click here to order your copy (Menucha Press 2013)
Dear Emuna: When Friends Hurt a Spouse
Dear Emuna: When Friends Hurt a Spouse
Dear Emuna,
My husband has been friends with a married couple long before we got married. This is our second marriage (I was a widow and he was divorced). I don’t particularly like this couple but when it came to marrying off my children and my husband’s children I invited them to the weddings. They didn’t come but I did invite them - for my husband’s sake.
They subsequently sent an invitation for their son’s bar mitzvah and addressed it only to my husband. Same story when they were marrying off a son – they excluded me. My husband knows how hurt I was but he just says “Oh that’s just how they are,” and continues to be regular contact with them as if nothing happened. Do you think that it’s right for him to do that after they hurt me so much? I am even more hurt that my husband doesn’t stand by me and continues his friendship with them. Please let me know what you think about this.
Very Hurt Wife
Dear Very Hurt,
It never ceases to amaze me how rude and nasty people can be. I can’t think of any other words to describe the behavior of your husband’s so-called friends. I say “so-called” because if they were true friends, they wouldn’t treat someone he loves (you!) in such a poor, mean and hurtful fashion.
Many years ago when I was engaged, I had a friend who did not like my fiancé (now my husband!). She let me know that she was only willing to continue our friendship if we could both pretend when together that my fiancé didn’t exist. So I ended the friendship. I didn’t see how I could have a relationship with someone who was determined to deny the most important relationship in my life.
I would expect the same of your husband and it is incomprehensible to me that he continues the friendship as if nothing has happened. He needs to have someone point out to him that his priorities are backwards. Since he seems unable to hear that from you, please find a third party whom he respects who can give him this message. This advice would hold true even if the difficult, cruel people in the story were a parent or a child where the relationship is deeper and more important. No one should allow their spouse to be treated in such a way and guidelines need to be established from the get-go.
Hopefully a more objective person will help your husband see that your goal is not to separate him from the friends he had previously (which he probably imagines and is the only motive I can think of for his allowing this abhorrent behavior to continue) but to ensure that you are included, treated with respect and at a minimal level, not hurt.
For any marriage to succeed, this basic level of consideration and accompanying behavior must be met.
MARRIAGE, STRESS & THE BAR EXAM
Dear Emuna,
I graduated from law school in May 2012 and got married in September of the same year. I thought I could handle semi-planning my wedding during my engagement period while studying for the California Bar Exam. This exam is the hardest in the nation and is incredibly difficult to pass. I unfortunately did not pass the July 2012 bar exam, although I was not too surprised since my attention was basically somewhere else. Still, I put a lot of time and effort into it and gave up many of the things that one should enjoy when engaged.
I got married in September 2012 and the first year has, for the most part, been wonderful. I love my husband and enjoy our life together. I studied for the following bar exam (the exam is given only in February and July of every year), given in February 2013. For this exam, I was determined to pass. I honestly tried everything in my power to pass this exam – attended lectures, did countless practice essays, did about 1,000 practice multiple choice questions, etc. As part of studying so hard, I spent much less time with my then-new husband, spent the weekends in the library, came home around 10 PM many nights during the week. I was so sure I passed and so was he. We were so excited to put this stressful, awful chapter of my life behind us.
To my horror, I didn’t pass by about 10 multiple choice questions. Even as I write this now, almost 3 months after finding out I didn’t pass, I’m still shocked and so upset.
I decided not to take this past July 2013 exam because we had already planned a trip to Israel for 2 weeks and we were moving to a new house, and I did not want to miss out on another beautiful chapter of my life because of this exam. So, I will be studying for the February 2014 bar exam.
My question to you is this: When I think about how I have to study for this test again, I get a feeling of dread and anxiety and anger. It is truly unfair that I did not pass and I wish so badly I could change it. The trouble is that all this anger and disappointment is eating away at my peace of mind and I am in a bad mood often because of this. And the worst part is that I sometimes take it out on my husband and start fights with him and pick at little things he does that bother me (instead of picking my battles). I feel like it’s affecting my marriage and that’s the last thing I want to do – I don’t want to be a nagging wife and distant from my husband. I want to remain dear to him. Please tell me what to do so that I keep this exam and the stress it has been causing (and will cause me) to not negatively affect my marriage and my life. Thank you so much,
Disappointed
Dear Disappointed,
I’m not sure that I’m the best person to answer this question since I graduated from law school and chose not to even take the bar at all! But I’ll try.
I think there are a few separate issues that must be addressed.
You claim that it is “truly unfair that I did not pass.” I think this is a damaging and destructive way of thinking. The test is constructed in a particular way and it really doesn’t matter whether you studied hard or whether you missed 1 or 101 answers. You didn’t pass. There’s nothing “unfair” about it. Disappointing and frustrating maybe, but not unfair. Everyone is in the same boat. You weren’t singled out for any discriminatory treatment. “Unfair” breeds resentment and bitterness. You need to accept the results as they are.
You speak about the bar exam but not about being a lawyer. Is this something you very much want to do? Are you and your husband dependent on your projected income? These are important questions that must be answered before you subject yourself to the stress of another try.
You also mention that you are picking fights with your husband. Unless you can manage the stress better, it doesn’t seem wise to immerse yourself in test-taking yet again. You don’t want to place your husband and your marriage under this strain. Before you take it again, I recommend that you evaluate whether this is indeed what you really want to do with your life and learn some stress management techniques.
Whether you pursue the bar exam and a law career or not, life has manystressors. You need to find better ways to cope or your marriage and your husband will, God forbid, always pay the price.
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