Five Illusions about Love by Emuna Braverman

Five Illusions about Love

With Valentine’s Day coming up, here’s a good excuse to discuss five illusions aboutlove that hamper our ability to create a healthy, thriving (and yes, loving) marriage.

1) If you’re in love, it will all be easy.

This is a destructive trap that many an unwitting spouse falls into. He or she looks around and it appears that all his friends have better marriages that require so much less work. They are relaxed around each other and it seems effortless. Obviously there is something wrong with their marriage since they have to work so hard to communicate effectively and to understand each other.

They need to understand that what they are seeing is not the full picture. They have no idea what goes on behind the scenes. They don’t know if it’s really a bad marriage and they are putting on a show for company. Or perhaps they didn’t see this couple at the beginning of their marriage when they had so many struggles. They don’t know if they are still working hard to creating that easy banter. When we watch a talented athlete, a dancer or figure skater, they also make it seem effortless. We shouldn’t be fooled by the surface.

No one has a good marriage without putting in a lot of hard work, constantly. If anyone tells you otherwise, don’t believe them. It’s just not possible. In the sheva brachos read under the chuppah, we say that the Almighty created joy and happiness, the bride and the groom. The possibility for a man and a woman who are so different to live together in joy is a creation of the Almighty. He created the possibility; we need to actualize it. Not only are we different genders, we are different personality types; we have different strengths and different weaknesses. We need to learn to work together.

2) If you’re in love, you will never fight.

As any successfully married person knows, this is also a myth. Due to the many differences cited above, a couple will inevitably have disagreements. They will fight. That is not necessarily bad. The key is how you fight. Do you do it with respect? Do you listen to the other side? Is about winning/ego or about working together? Is it about being right or compromise? Are you prepared to try to understand and validate your spouse’s opinion and perspective? Can you have the discussion in a soft and gentle tone?

The answers to these questions make all the difference in the world. They are determinative of whether the quarrel is productive or un, whether it brings you closer or pushes you apart.

The famous researcher, John Gottman, supports the view that it is not fighting per se that is the problem. According to his studies, the key is that there are 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one. Yes, you will have fights but they should be far outweighed by the pleasure in each other’s company, by the compliments, by the enjoyment of your marriage.

3) If you’re in love, you know what each other is thinking.

Even though some partners in long-term marriages may actually finish each other’s sentences, no one really knows what the other one is thinking. And for the most part this is a good thing! We don’t want our spouse to read our thoughts, especially during one of the abovementioned fights. The problem arises when we have expectations that our spouse has some extra-sensory abilities.

We are shocked that he didn’t know exactly what he was supposed to bring home for dinner, the perfect birthday present and that I wanted those pictures sitting on the dining room table hung on the wall today (that last part was for my husband; I hope he’s reading this!).

The expectation that our spouse can and should read our minds leads to frustration and argument. Once we accept the impossibility of it, we can make our requests clearly and eloquently and not set our spouse or ourselves up for disappointment.

4) If you’re in love, you will always want to be intimate.

This is definitely a Hollywood and Harlequin-driven myth. Most married couples today lead very busy lives with lots of demands. Their careers are exhausting and life with the children is equally so. Most people are challenged to find time to be together (and this is a whole other topic). But dissatisfaction in this intimate area of marriage may be heightened by the belief that it’s different in other people’s homes or that it’s not normal that we aren’t always together.

This is an unrealistic expectation fostered by bad sit-coms and romantic comedies. Real life is so much more complex. Yes, you need to be together. Yes, you want to work on wanting to be together (if necessary). But don’t add unrealistic expectations based on the lives of fictional couples to the mix. Work it out with your spouse based on your situation and don’t be fooled by locker room chat and magazine titles. Everyone is struggling with this issue and trying to find their way. Don’t add unnecessarily to the pressure.

5) If you’re in love, you’ll live happily ever after.

I had to put this one in. Even though we may intellectually know the fallacy of this statement, we can’t underestimate the effect of fairy tales and Disney movies on our emotional lives and our expectations. There is a part inside everyone that thinks that love is magical, that love solves all problems, that “all you need is love”….

We know this isn’t true but we have to make sure that our emotional lives are in sync with our intellectual ones. And we so badly want to live happily ever after.

I think two issues need to be briefly addressed here. One is what it means to live “happily” and two is how to achieve this “ever after” goal.

If we think that “happily” means a life of no problems and no pain, then we will never be happy (this is true married or single) but if we define “happily” as maintaining a positive attitude and taking pleasure in each other despite your challenges, then it is certainly achievable.

Can you have a consistently happy marriage, an “ever after”? You can – the irony is that the only way to achieve it is through hard work. That’s the piece that the fairy tales always neglect to mention. But if you put your all into your marriage and your partner does as well (as with all situations, this presupposes two emotionally healthy human beings), then you can get your happily ever after. You need to begin by getting rid of Illusion #1.

The Three Greatest Mistakes People Make About Love RAbbi Benjamin Blech

The Three Greatest Mistakes People Make About Love

Love is in the air, so allow me to offer a Jewish perspective on what I believe are the three greatest mistakes people make about love. And in case you’re wondering what gives me the right to believe that I know some of the secrets of love, perhaps I’ve earned it as someone happily observing 56 years of marriage.

1. Love isn’t a noun, it’s a verb.

“I’m in love” is passive. “I love you” is active. The Hebrew word for love, ahavah, has as its two-letter root the word hav (give), preceded by the letter aleph, which means “I will give.”

True love is far more than an emotion. Loving is doing. It’s acting out of concern for another’s well-being. It is an affirmation of our willingness to give.

When people ask me how they can know if they are truly in love I tell them to ask themselves a simple question: Do they feel more joy in giving to the other person than in receiving from them?

The more we give, the more we love.

Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler, a famous rabbi, Talmudic scholar, and Jewish philosopher of the 20th century noted the striking truth that love increases by giving – the more we give, the more we love. That explains the striking anomaly that parents normally love their children more deeply than their offspring love them - not in spite of the fact that parents have done more for their children than the reverse but precisely because of it.

The world has it backwards when it comes to gift- giving. It measures love by how much we receive. Far better would be to determine the depth of love by what we are willing to give to one another.

Love is a verb defined by our readiness to sacrifice for it. Eric Fromm said, “Immature love says I love you because I need you. Mature love says I need you because I love you.” For the immature everything begins with fulfilling a personal need; for the mature, love is what creates the need to give which, by echoing God’s love of the world, fills us with nothing less than a taste of divine bliss.

2. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

Elie Wiesel captured a profound truth:

“The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.” 

Antonyms help us better understand the real meaning of words. We’ve established that love is a verb, an idea that needs to turn feelings into actions.

Let’s take that a step further and identify love’s greatest enemy. Marriages aren’t most often destroyed by “acts of war” between partners. Like plants that need constant watering, marriages wither from lack of the basic attention human beings require to combat the fearful state of solitude.

We need to remember why God originally created a partner for Adam. After every act of creation, the Torah tells us he proclaimed it good. But then for the first time God used the words “not good”: “It is not good for the man to dwell alone” (Genesis, 2:18). Commentators clarify that God was noting retroactively that everything which He had previously called “good” would not warrant that appellation if experienced alone. Love was meant to allow us to view the world through the eyes of others as well as our own. Love was intended to allow us to share the kind of friendship that turns two people into one, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. Love permits us to care and to be cared for, to live and to share our lives, to dream and to know that our innermost thoughts and secrets are important to another.

We don’t fall out of love. We fall out of caring and sharing, out of communicating and connecting.

That’s why we don’t fall out of love. We fall out of caring and sharing, out of communicating and connecting, out of recognizing the importance of taking the time to appreciate moments we have together - and then we wonder whatever happened to love!

Love begins with passion and thrives with perseverance. Like any important project, it can’t be taken for granted. It requires constant work and effort. And its greatest enemy is indifference.

Lovers don’t usually go from love to hate. But they do very often go from love to boredom, from love to silence, from love to neglect and to lack of attention. One of the most profound secrets for maintaining love was encapsulated by the famous words from Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman: “Attention must be paid.”

3. Make your love unconditional.

The Sages offer a profound insight into the difference between temporary and permanent love: “A love that is dependent on something – when the thing ceases, the love also ceases. But a love that is not dependent on anything never ceases (Ethics of the Fathers, 5:16).

Temporary love is love that is based on a particular feature of the beloved. He is rich. In time he may lose his wealth. He is virile. In time he may lose his strength. She is beautiful beyond words. In time she may lose her good looks. True love needs to build a foundation of permanence on the entire person. To love someone is to be aware of their failings as well as their most favorable characteristics. It is not to love because of one thing but to love because of everything – the totality of another human being to whom you have decided to commit yourself because you recognize in that person the values and the ideals that mean the most to you.

The wisdom of the Talmudic teaching is to remind us that no person can ever be summarized by one trait nor romantically idealized by one attribute. We are, all of us, purposely designed to be unique and a remarkable combination of many different parts to our being. Even our faults may serve, from a divine perspective, to attract another whose different personality and abilities may be just what we need for self-improvement. As the Bible tells us, God created woman to be “a helpmate oppositehim.” Not identical, but opposite – which is probably why opposites in some sense attract. Each party in a love relationship has the ability and the opportunity to improve the other.

Love that is meant to last accepts the whole of the other. It forgives flaws and does not expect the impossible. It finds fulfillment in knowing that togetherness makes each one of them better even as neither one alone deserves to be loved merely for one particular reason.

The goal of true love is eternity. It is validated by the passage of time. It is confirmed by the words “I love you” that continue to be offered one to another in spite of the wrinkled faces, the stooped posture, the diminished hearing and the physical ravages of old-age.

It is a love which, when asked for its reason, responds with no single answer other than “because it is you.”

Marriage Counseling. Does it Work? Not Necessarily by rabbi Shlomo Slakin

http://www.themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-counseling-does-it-work-not-necessarily/

Humans are fallible and so are marriage counselors. There are a few reasons why some marriage counseling doesn’t work and may make things worse.

• Some marriage counselors do not have specialized training in marital therapy and while they are allowed to see couples and practice marriage counseling ethically, they are not well equipped for safely counseling a couple together in the office. Couples often come in very angry and the therapist needs to be extremely well trained as a specialized marriage counselor if they are to handle the needs of the couple effectively. Marriage counseling requires highly sensitized and well trained therapists as it is a extremely delicate discipline.

• Some therapists get “caught up” in the marriage problems and conflicts being brought up by the couple and they begin serving as “referee”, advising the couple to compromise and do one thing in exchange for something else. It ends up like a whack-a-mole exercise, because once one issue is solved, another one comes up! That’s if what is really going on in the relationship is not addressed. It’s essential that the marriage counselor helps provide the couple with an understanding of the deeper cause of the conflict. Getting distracted by the individual issues that continue to arise does nothing to enhance the connection between the partners.

• Many therapists have their own bias about marriage and relationships and their bias can start to come out in the sessions-leaving you walking away from the sessions seriously doubting your partner and doubting your marriage. If the therapist does most of the talking and you find yourself walking away feeling worse about your partner than better, you need to trust your intuition that something is not right. It’s not you or your partner/marriage it’s them. We’ve seen even the worst of marriages heal with good marriage counseling. Sometimes if your marriage problems seem too difficult, the therapist will suggest a trial separation and to “take a break” from each other. We believe this is the worst advice possible.

If you are currently undergoing marriage counseling together with your spouse or you are going to therapy on your own, we suggest that you walk into the door prepared. You can read more about how sometimes counseling can make things worse or you can arm yourself with indispensable information that will make your marriage counseling experience 100% successful, with what we call The Marriage Restoration Project Bundle.

Don’t go into marriage counseling unprepared. You’ve got to be educated to make your marriage counseling experience work.

 

So, how can we help you?

Romantic Comedies May Save Your Marriage by Yvette Alt Miller

Romantic Comedies May Save Your Marriage

Can watching romantic comedies make your marriage better? A new study by the University of Rochester suggests it might – if couples then talk about the movies afterwards.

Marriage counselors have traditionally focused on helping couples who already are experiencing problems. “The prevailing wisdom was that the best way to keep relationships healthy and strong was to help couples manage difficulty” says Prof. Thomas Bradbury, Director of UCLA’s Relationship Institute.

He, along with University of Rochester Professor Ronald Rogge, wondered if there was another way to help couples safeguard their marriages. Instead of waiting for troubles to crop up, can husbands and wives start working on their already-healthy marriages, learning listening and communication skills that will head off arguments before they develop?

The researchers offered newlywed couples both types of therapy. One group received traditional guidance on conflict resolution, meeting with a therapist weekly to learn strategies to employ during arguments, making sure they slowed down to listen to what their spouse was saying, and taking time to understand why their spouse was upset.

A second group also had weekly meetings with a therapist, but these couples focused on the positive in their marriages, instead of their conflicts. They did exercises to help find common ground and stress their similarities: these couples were encouraged to think of themselves as a team, be more accepting of each other, and were prompted to do random acts of kindness for their spouses.

After three years, the researchers had some startling results. Both groups had lowered their risk of divorce dramatically: improving day to day interaction was just as important for marriages as learning to manage stress and conflicts.

Incredibly, though, the researchers found that a third group – assigned to watch five movies together and talk about them afterwards – experienced the same benefit as those assigned to weekly marriage counseling - and cut their divorce rate in half - compared to couples who did nothing at all to work on their marriages. These dramatic results lasted throughout the three years of the study.

The key, the researchers found, is to spend time – they suggested 45 minutes – talking about the characters critically after watching a film, and discussing how we feel about their choices. What problems did the characters experience? How did they tackle the problems they faced? Were they supportive of their romantic partner or not? Did they act together like a team? When they argued, was it in a constructive way? Were they kind or cruel? How did they make up following a fight? How do all of these choices relate to your own relationship with your spouse?

These questions remind us of what we already know – that being kind and supportive, that thinking of our spouse as a teammate rather than an opponent – strengthens marriages and brings us closer. Being reminded to think about these issues – and doing so in a fun context of watching movies together – helps make sure we learn and grow from the examples we see around us.

The Questions from the Survey

1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.

2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?

3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each other’s’ differences?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

6. If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn’t really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

7. When one of the partners brought up a problem, did he or she seem to do it in a constructive way (keeping things specific, explaining his or her feelings without attacking), or did it seem more like an attack? Did it seem like bringing up a problem became an assassination of the partner’s character?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

8. How did the couple in the movie handle hurt feelings? Did they apologize to each other? Did the apologies seem sincere?

Did they tend to jump to negative conclusions when their feelings got hurt, or did they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

9. Did the partners seem to have similar expectations of their relationship? Where did their expectations differ? Did it seem like they were aware of their own expectations? Were their expectations reasonable? Did they share their expectations with each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

10. What other things happened in the movie that might lead you to think differently about your relationship/marriage?

11. What other comments do you have about this movie? How relevant was this movie to your own relationship?

Ohel program for new parents

http://www.ohelfamily.org/?q=mental_health/children_under_5

OHEL’s Children Under Five ProgramOffering Free Support Services

Do you have a child age 5 or younger?

Do you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious? 

Do you have parenting concerns?

Are you concerned about your child’s development? 

Are you concerned about your own emotional health?

The Children Under Five program has social workers who have partnered with pediatric offices, birthing centers, and Early Learn programs to provide support to expectant mothers and caregivers in order to identify, prevent, and address social, emotional, and behavioral issues in children under 5, their caregivers, and their families. 

Who Qualifies for Such Free Services?The only qualifications necessary to receive services are:• Residing in NY • Being a mom who is pregnant and/or caregiver of a child age 5 or under. 

How Can I Receive Services?After an initial interview and assessment, the Children Under Five social worker from OHEL can provide counseling to address issues such as differentiating between depression and everyday blues, available treatments, parenting skills, stress management, and emotional health. 

The OHEL social worker can also provide interim support and referrals to assure appropriate and thorough follow up services. 

Services include:
• Screening • Assessments • Brief counseling • Psycho-education • Referrals to community resources 

As you are able to better meet the needs of your children, we aim to provide additional support to you - the caregiver! 

There is no cost to be a part of this innovative holistic program. Now is the best time to get help. 

To schedule an appointment, please call OHEL Access at 1800-603-OHEL.

The Children Under 5 Program is funded by the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene.

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Man's Guide by Emuna Braverman

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Man's Guide

Presumably everyone wants to keep the spark alive in their marriage. Some people may believe it's not possible. Some people may have given up. Some people may just not know how. But everyone wants it.

So what's a well-meaning husband to do? The answer is not to whisk your wife away to a private island for a romantic weekend (although that couldn't hurt). The answer is not to follow the dictates of the advertising industry and drape her in diamonds (although that couldn't hurt either).

The answer lies in small daily actions and interactions that say "I care," "You matter to me," "Your needs and goals and important to me."

There is definitely a place for romantic gestures -- flowers, dinner out, a walk along the beach (the latter having the advantage of being both romantic and free!). But the spark is really kept alive through the ins and outs of your everyday relationship -- through easing your wife's burden, by not taking her for granted, by letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.

The spark is kept alive by easing your wife's burden and letting her know how special she is -- and how beautiful.

We may mistakenly think that with a houseful of kids, with carpools to drive and mortgages to pay, there is no room for sparks. But this is, fortunately, not true.

While it is true that there is no room for the spoony daydreaming of the newly infatuated (and even they usually have to spend some time working so they can pay the rent!), that is not the only evidence of sparks.

The excitement in a relationship is kept alive through caring about one another, through being interested in one another and through the actions that show it.

When a tired husband takes the time to listen to the details of his wife's day (number of diapers changed and all), the sparks are rekindled. When he patiently describes his own day just because she wants to know (and even though he'd rather forget about it), the flame is kept burning. When he takes out the garbage because it bothers her, when he watches the kids and says, "You go rest" or better yet, "You go shopping," the embers continue to glow.

Every expression of love and caring keeps the sparks alive. None are too trivial to hold back from saying, and don't be stingy with them. Every time you tell your wife you love her, the flame of your marriage burns brighter.

We get confused; we think we need a Hollywood set, designer gowns and sparkling conversation. We look for the perfect setting, the cloudless sky, the moonlit evening.

But believe it or not, sparks can be kindled in the chaos of your family room -- in the shared pleasure of your family (even sometimes in the shared frustration), in the shared sense of goals, in the shared creation.

The fire sizzles every time a man tells his wife how much he appreciates who she is, what she has done, and yes, how attractive she is to him. Don't think your wife doesn't need hear that; everyone does. No matter how "spiritual" she is.

Jewelry is beautiful but these grand gestures can only occur on rare and special occasions (which, in this economy, seem to be even rarer and more special!). But daily life offers plenty of opportunities to keep your marriage vibrant, opportunities that don't take a lot of time but may involve the effort of refocusing, of stepping outside our owns needs and desires, of ignoring everyone and everything else that clamors for your attention.

Start with the simple gestures. Every morning, every afternoon, stop what you're doing (yes, your job can wait a few minutes; no you won't lose that deal!), call your wife and say "I love you," "Thank you for everything you do for me." I promise you, the sparks will stay alive.

Goal Orientation

Goal Orientation

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Woman's Guide

Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage: A Woman's Guide

"How can I possibly keep the spark alive?" you ask. "The house is a mess, there are three kids pulling on my dress, spaghetti sauce is boiling over and I don't know how we're going to pay the electric bill. Who has time to even think about sparks?"

This common attitude evinces two serious mistakes:

1) that it's okay to ignore the need for sparks

2) that it takes significant time to generate them and keep them alive.

Of course there's no time if creating sparks involves a major effort. But it doesn't need to. It begins with not despairing, with not being resigned to a "spark-less" existence. And with being realistic about how to create them.

If you have young children (in fact, if you have any children at all living at home!) you probably won't be able to serve elaborate candlelit dinners, but that doesn't mean you can't prepare a nice meal. That doesn't mean you can't cook your husband's favorite foods. It's not either candlelight or macaroni and cheese. Although a simple act, cooking what your husband likes says "I care." It says "Your needs matter to me."

If you care about him, you care about what he does.

Being interested in your husband's day at work can also help keep your marriage vibrant. Maybe you tend to go glassy-eyed hearing about his job. Snap out of it. Sit up straighter. If you care about him, you care about what he does. I remember a number of years ago, I tried to organize a social activity for a group of wives whose husbands all worked for the same institution. When I called one woman to ask her to attend, she was very dismissive. "Why should I come? That's my husband's job. It has nothing to do with me." I beg to differ.

After a long day -- at home or elsewhere -- everyone likes to get into their most comfortable clothes. But let me make this clear: ratty old sweat suits do NOT help keep the spark alive. Our husbands deserve that we devote at least the same attention (actually more) to our appearance that we do when we join our girlfriends for lunch or another couple for dinner. While a complete change of clothes may not always be possible or practical (especially if we are cooking that nice dinner and we have infants wailing for attention in the background), straightening your hair and freshening your lipstick is.

These small actions say "I'm excited to have you home." "I've been looking forward to seeing you."

And just as we enjoy receiving compliments (see A Man's Guide), so do our husbands. They need to know how proud we are of how hard they work, of how responsible they are, of how they make time to learn and grow, of their commitment to us and the children.

While there is clearly room for romantic evenings in every marriage -- I certainly don't want to discourage that -- we shouldn't feel that we have to wait for those rare moments to work on keeping our marriage alive. Or that there aren't many varied ways of keeping the flame burning. Each couple has to find their unique road.

It doesn't have to take a lot of effort. It doesn't have to take a lot of time. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. It just has to be consistent and regular. We can't let the demands of our daily existence overwhelm us to the point where we forget to connect with our husbands. That's the real secret to keeping the spark alive -- making our relationship with our husbands our number one priority.

Ben Affleck on Marriage by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

http://www.aish.com/f/m/Ben-Affleck-on-Marriage.html
Ben Affleck’s speech accepting Best Picture at the Oscars has got twitter tongues wagging. Thanking his wife, Jennifer Garner, he spoke about his marriage. Here’s the part that got people going:

“It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with.”

The camera panned to his wife’s face; she smiled as her eyes filled with tears.

Then the criticism rolled in.

Many felt his thanks was a faux pas, a revelation that this marriage is on the rocks. Some felt that he had insulted his wife by suggesting that marriage was hard. “Am I the only one who thinks Ben Affleck’s in trouble at home for telling the world his marriage is a lot of work?” went one popular tweet. You were even able to vote: did Ben sleep on the couch or in the bedroom?

We want to believe in the fairytale marriage, the perfect, flawless movie star romance. If you have the fame and fortune, obviously you have the ‘happily ever after’ too. Admitting to working on a marriage is just not a romantic way of expressing one’s love. It shatters our idea of fabulous Hollywood living.

Work equals sweat and we shouldn’t have to sweat in a good marriage. It should be automatic.

Anyone who believes that to be true does not really understand what marriage is all about.

There are no perfect marriages that just happen. There are no storybook endings with husbands and wives who just live each day in absolute bliss. Husbands and wives struggle together. They face challenges, some larger than life and some that may seem so simple and small but somehow grow big – like when it becomes too arduous to give a warm smile. We are simply not in the mood but we must dig deep and be kind.

No matter how rich, how beautiful, how successful, couples need to work together for their marriage to endure.

The myth is that only couples with awful marriages need to work on their marriage. But Affleck touched on something genuine here. No matter who you are, no matter how rich, how beautiful, how successful, how powerful, couples need to work together for their marriage to endure. This becomes a lifelong labor of love, not a lifetime sentence of painful labor.

Even the best marriages take hard work. When a couple tells me that they are newly engaged and so ‘in love’, I know that they have not yet really experienced true love. True love grows from those moments through the years where we learn to put aside our differences and seek peace. We strain as we attempt to forgive. Dark nights can seem endless. We climb mountains together. We stumble. We face difficult vistas we never dreamed of. There are incredible moments of joy and there are painful moments of sorrow. We journey through it all together and find that our love has grown stronger than we could have ever imagined. It requires constant effort, but at the end of the day we discover that we care for this person like no other. Ben Affleck’s speech was the sign of a good marriage.

And the work never stops. There is no age where we can say we can now just coast along. The Torah teaches us that when God revealed to Abraham that he and Sarah would have a son in their old age, He endeavored to protect their shalom bayit, their marital peace, and did not repeat to him that Sarah had said ‘my husband is old’. The message is that peace in our homes is our most valuable asset and can never be taken for granted. Not even in the home of Abraham and Sarah; not even at the age of 90 and 100.

How can we work on our marriage and help it grow stronger through the years?

1. KEEP UPDATED

We believe that we know our spouse and that we are the same person we were when we walked down the aisle. We are not. Life happens. We need to keep updated on our spouse’s emotions. Don’t get stuck believing that there is nothing new to learn about your spouse. Share your thoughts, your disappointments, and your goals. Ask about feelings, likes and dislikes. Envision life together. Dare to dream. Don’t assume that you know it all. You don’t want to wake up one day and realize that you have no idea who your spouse is.

2. MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR PRIORITY

We get caught up in our jobs, our children, our friends, even our days at the gym. We do not realize that the one person we are neglecting most is our spouse. It’s important to set time aside together and not just in times of crises. Establish your own traditions like a daily chat over a cup of coffee, nighttime snack or a weekly ‘walk and talk’. This time together must be your own, without distractions from iPhones or the kids. If you feel that there is someone who is undermining your relationship, you need to seek good solutions together and not allow this interference to dissolve your bond.

3. SHOW RESPECT

Respect builds strong marriages. Every husband and wife requires the respect of their spouse to feel appreciated and loved. Respect means that I do not badmouth my spouse to my children, friends or relatives. I don’t react with sarcasm, rolling eyes or ridicule when my spouse expresses thoughts or emotions. I avoid personal attacks and put downs when we disagree. I create an environment that feels safe. There is trust between us. Intimacy flourishes as both husband and wife feel free to share ideas and know that we are here for each other no matter what.

4. DO SMALL ACTS OF DAILY KINDNESS

‘Ahava’, the Hebrew word for ‘love’, comes from the word ‘hav’ which means to give. Love grows when I invest in my relationship by giving. We forget that one little gesture shows our spouse that we do not take them for granted. It is our way of saying daily ‘I love you and appreciate you. You are important to me’. A recent study found that small acts of kindness boost marital satisfaction and that people who put their spouse’s needs first felt happier themselves. Do not let a day go by without doing something nice for your spouse. It does not have to be big or expensive. A text expressing appreciation, preparing a favorite snack, warming up the car, taking over childcare when it is not expected-ask yourself how you can create a loving atmosphere in your home. You will find that your bond grows stronger with time.

5. BE POSITIVE

It can be a strain to always hear the downside. Everything does not have to be about financial obligations, problems with the kids, and the awful state of the job market today. Recognize your blessings and express them. When times are tense, don’t allow yourself to fall into a pattern of blaming and complaining. Lose the critical eye and focus on the positive. If you find that this goes against your nature, know that you have work to do so that you do not grow bitter and moody. Stop yourself from voicing constant criticism. Look for the good in people and situations. Don’t forget to laugh together. A relationship that is positive focuses on faith, hope, and the belief that we will share our tomorrows together with joy. We will get through things and endure together. Our love is strong.

When we work on our marriages and give of ourselves without expectations, we discover love and understanding. We tap into a joy that sustains us and remains with us forever.

This is the real ‘happily ever after’.

http://www.ohelfamily.org/?q=mental_health/marital-conflict

Marital Conflict

Even in the best of marriages, conflicts will arise. In a healthy marriage, conflict is dealt with open, honest communication, speaking in “feeling language” or “I” messages, and healthy doses of compromise and collaboration.  

In high conflict marriages, couples will have difficulty discussing and resolving differences. The most common areas of discord in high conflict marriages are handling finances, child rearing, sex, values, and relationships with friends, family or in-laws.  They may also display difficulty in the sharing of household responsibilities and in tolerating their spouse’s “irritating habits”.  At times, one or both members of the couple have bad habits that should be addressed and changed, but instead are not dealt with by the person and thus perpetuated.  Couples may romanticize marriage and have unrealistic expectations of what constitutes a healthy marriage.  Finally, perhaps the most significant issue that impacts on all the conflicts listed above is poor or negative communication.  Indeed, researcher John Gottman and his team have been able to predict with a very high degree of certainty which newlywed couples will later divorce based on observing their communication dynamics.

Couples who cannot discuss or manage their differences will often display behaviors that are clearly hostile, including arguing, put downs, name calling, or physical violence.  Or they will emotionally withdraw from one another by spending less and less time together, or by throwing themselves into work or extra-marital affairs.  Significant marital discord can have a huge negative impact on developing children. Children may be terrified at the thought of their parents breaking up. Parents will often forget that the intensity of their conflict has a direct bearing on the emotional well-being of their children.

Is Your Marriage in a Rut?  Questions each partner should ask themselvesCan your spouse never do anything right?

Does everything lead to an argument?

Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?

Would you rather be anywhere than with your spouse?

Have you lost interest in talking to your spouse?

Do you avoid sexual or emotional intimacy with your spouse?

Are you having an affair or thinking about having an affair?

Do you often think of divorce?

Answering yes to any of these questions may indicate that your marriage is in trouble.  

Making Your Marriage WorkStaying stuck in an unhappy marriage should not be an option for married couples.  Some couples will often stay in an unhappy marriage until the resentment builds and they feel they have no choice but to divorce. They don’t voice their unhappiness or difficulties, hoping that their problems will be somehow magically solved.  Then there are the “problems solvers”; couples who will really work hard to try to get their marriage to work.  

Often what these couples both have in common is that they rarely go for marital counseling.  Maintaining a healthy marriage, solving problems and truly enjoying the other as a partner requires strong relationship skills.  These skills can often be attained via couples treatment.  Marital counseling sessions can help the couple learn specific skills that will aid them in better communication, better problem solving and better conflict resolution.  Marital counseling can address the 3 C’s of marriage:  Communication, Compromise, and Conflict Resolution.  

Some examples of skills that can be achieved via Marital Counseling include:  learning how to state your feelings and needs clearly and openly without resentment or anger

healthy and positive communication wherein one learns to listen and process what their partner is saying

healthy conflict resolution

learning to be assertive without being offensive

processing unresolved issues from the past that consciously or unconsciously may be affecting the present state of the relationship

gaining a deeper and better understanding of your spouse and yourself

Getting the Help You NeedAs with all mental health treatment, marital counseling should be done by a licensed mental health professional who has specific training in marital and family dynamics and treatment.  

At OHEL we can help.If you and your spouse are experiencing marital conflict and tension, one of our licensed mental health professionals can help.  At OHEL, we have highly competent mental health professionals who specialize in marriage and family treatment. We can help your marriage return to a loving and healthy state, a benefit that will impact both you and your children!

Remember, at OHEL, we are only a phone call or a click away from your road to recovery.

COLOR 3D PRINTING IT IS HERE!

These Awesome Shoes Were rinted Using The World’s First 

Color 3D-Printer

By Avner Meyrav, NoCamels February 03, 2014 1 Commentshttp://nocamels.com/2014/02/these-awesome-shoes-were-printed-using-the-worlds-first-color-3d-printer/

We’ve told you before about the 3D-printed car and the 3D-printed designer clothing, both printed by Israeli-American 3D-printing giant Stratasys, and now, the company has set the bar even higher, by bringing color into the 3D-printing world.

Until now, most 3D printers could print in one color only, and some could print in two. That meant designers who used the technology had to print out a model using one solid color and paint over it later.

The new Objet500 Connex3,  however, is able to print in color right out of the box and the company believes its printer, which costs a whopping $330,000, is a “game changer.”

3D-printed bicycle helmet

Not unlike an inkjet printer found in many homes (albeit a little more pricey), the new printer uses three base-colors to create all the different colors. According to the company, the three base-materials, VeroCyan, VeroMagenta and VeroYellow – are combined to produce hundreds of vivid colors.

In addition, the material itself, which is a form of plastic, can be combined with another rubber-like material to create models that feel like a real product. Since the printer can use three base-materials at once, it can print a wide array of objects, ranging from sunglasses to 3D-printed shoes.

“Stratasys’ goal is to help our customers revolutionize their design and manufacturing processes,” says Stratasys CEO David Reis. “I believe our new Objet500 Connex3 Color Multi-material 3D Printer will transform the way our customers design, engineer and manufacture new products. In general and with the Connex technology in particular, we will continue to push the envelope of what’s possible in a 3D world.

”It is mportant to state that this printer is not intended for mass-producing items, but to create models. While the 3D printer is already available today, the flexible raw material, used to create the various models, will only be available after March 2014.

All photos courtesy

Life can be better By: Rivka Levy

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/life_can_be_better.aspx?id=22751&language=english

My husband came back from yeshiva today, and told me that Rebbe Nachman said that if someone committed themselves to doing an hour a day of personal prayer, that he would open up a path for them to rectify their soul at their root.

Hashem has been very kind to me and my husband. For the last few years - maybe even five years, already - we've both been trying very hard to do an hour of personal prayer a day.

Even the days when I've been so pressured, so stressed, so busy, so tired - I've tried to do it. Even if it meant just sitting there trying to stay awake for an hour. Or walking around with nothing to say. Or lying on my bed, trying to get a whole bunch of fears, or sadness, or worries to budge.

I had one day this year when I 'missed' doing an hour - it was an abnormally crazy, hectic, ridiculous day - and I felt it for days afterwards. Like I'd built up some nasty stains on an otherwise fairly clean slate, that didn't come off for ages.

It's not that I don't sin. I sin a lot. But I realized a while ago that my job is not to try and 'catch' every little thing - even thinking about doing that still paralyses me. My job is to show up for the hour, to do my best to catch whatever I can, big or small, and then to trust in Rebbe Nachman's promise that even that is enough to rectify the whole day, and get me off the hook Upstairs.

The last few months have been very intense, for both me and my husband. Every day is bringing us new revelations, new insights, new bits of information that are completely changing the whole picture of what is really going on.

A little while ago, I told him that whatever was going on, it was bigger than just him and me. Ok, I'm still angry, arrogant, stingy, spiteful, jealous, and selfish - but I'm not an axe-murderer, and neither is he.

The spiritual 'stuff' that has been spewing out over the last few months can't just be from our lifetimes. If it was, I think it would have taken a couple of months to sort out, at the incredible intensity and pace that things have been happening.

In less than 12 months, I've been to Uman twice, and he's been three times. I've done quite a few 6 hours, at various holy places, and so has he. He learns in Rav Arush's yeshiva every single day; he gets 'messages' all the time from his Rav there, Rav Cassouto, and his classmates; he has me in his face 24/7, with all my 'messages' from my personal prayer, or my reading, or even my dreams.

He's getting a lot of Divine help.

And yet, whatever 'it' is that needs to break or budge or move or crack still isn't.

We're stuck. We have no idea what to do next.

I could get miserable about it all. Sometimes, I do get miserable about it all - but not for long. Because whatever crazy 'fixing' process we are in the middle of, however far back it's reaching, I feel G-d is holding my hand throughout it.

I'm walking around with a lot of heartache at the moment. It could very easily have turned me into a terrible wife; a bitter woman; a monstrous mother - but strangely, it's making me kinder, more understanding and more patient.

How can this be?

How can I be hurting so much on the inside, about so many people's pain, and still walking around with a smile on my face, and a willingness to invite people for Shabbat lunch?

It can only be because G-d is helping me through it. It can only be, because Rebbe Nachman is taking a personal interest, and guiding the process from Upstairs. It can only be because when I feel so stuck, or so empty, or so lost, I can go and talk to G-d about it all, and I always finish those conversations feeling calm enough to continue on to the 'next stage', whatever that's going to be.

World, you are really messed up. Do you know that? There are so many hurting and hurtful people walking around. So many pained and paining people. So many of us who can't connect to anything, including ourselves, and who are trying to hide that massive sense of disconnection by being plugged into mobiles and Ipads and laptops 24/7.

Watching people on Skype doesn't solve the problem. Uploading videos of yourself and your family to the internet doesn't solve the problem. Conference calling, emailing, Facebooking - doesn't solve the problem.

These days it's so 'normal' to be so messed up, to feel so miserable, so lonely and so unloved, that most people don't even realize that they could be any other way.

But they can! You can! I can!

We just have to take the massive step of admitting that there might just be a problem. That our lives might just not be as perfect as we like to think they are. That our souls might just be withering away from a lack of real love and attention.

That's a scary prospect, isn't it? If we admit that, we'll be obliged to do something about it - and what, really, can we do? Nothing. Nothing at all. That's why so many of us are pretending 'everything's fine, now please go away.'

But the point, is that it's not for us to fix. It's for G-d to resolve. Our part is just to switch sides, to become part of the solution, and stop being part of the problem. To admit our futility, our frailty, our feelings of being unloved, and unlovable.

Things are in the process of being 'fixed', whether we want it or not; whether we admit it or not. If we're not holding G-d's hand when the 'fixing' process catches up to us - we'll be completely smashed by it.

Video: Four Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Video: Four Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Love, not lust RAbbi Shalom Arush

Translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody


If we look at the benefits of guarding our eyes, we see a deal that's impossible to refuse. The first major benefit is emuna, for emuna is contingent on guarding one's eyes and personal holiness. One's health, both physical and emotional, depends on emuna, so guarding one's eyes is conducive to good health as well. The long list of benefits continues with a strong connection with Hashem, wisdom, memory, prayer, Torah, marital bliss, one's soulmate and upright children. Rebbe Nachman writes that a person who guards his eyes will merit having sons who write elaborations on Torah. Since my father, Rabbi Machlouf Harush of blessed memory guarded his eyes, I have had the privilege of writing elaborations on Torah.
 
We see how the holy Abuchatzera family from generation to generation has succeeded in raising righteous Torah scholars, from the holy "Abir Yaacov", Rabbi Yaacov Abuchatzera to his son Rabbi Massoud, to his son the "Baba Sali" Rabbi Israel, to his son Rabbi Meir, all of saintly and blessed memory, to his sons - Baba Elazar ob"m, and his brothers who are all upright spiritual leaders of this generation, may Hashem bless them. How did they attain such success? The Abuchatzera family is renown for personal holiness and guarding their eyes.
 
We must all make personal holiness a highest priority in life and make every effort, including extensive prayer and comprehensive learning, to attain it. Every unblemished day is a priceless achievement for posterity.
 
In daily self-assessment, one must ask oneself: what do I gain or lose by opening my eyes in places where I shouldn't be looking? One loses both this world and the world to come. And what does he gain? Nothing. Nothing would be a good gain, for in actuality, he "gains" purgatory. But if he does guard his eyes, he has worlds to gain and he loses nothing.
 
Forbidden sights trigger negative desires that distance a person from his true purpose in life - clinging to Hashem, Torah, prayer and good-character development. Sexual lust destroys a person's sense of justice and loyalty, to the extent that he'll neglect and even destroy his own wife and children in the most selfish and heartless manner just to satisfy his lust. The lust all began with the person's failure to guard his eyes.
 
A person who doesn't guard his eyes lies to himself and lies to others. Anger, jealousy and other negative emotions - which all happen to be lies - stem from the "general evil" of sexual lust triggered by unguarded eyes.
 
King Solomon called a woman's beauty, "false charm". We must all uproot lust in every way. Healthy marital relations and procreation have nothing to do with lust, contrary to what many believe. Even when a person compliments his wife, he'd be much better advised to praise her good character rather than her physical attributes. With King Solomon's teaching in mind, by praising physical beauty, one lauds falsity. 
 
A person who makes the vanity of beauty and the falsity of charm into reality succumbs to the lust for women. One who uproots this lust from his heart and cognizance couldn't care less if a woman is interested in him or not. He's not interested in impressing any woman, nor does he try to find favor in women's eyes with all types of gestures, which themselves are lies.
 
If a person derives gratification in impressing someone who is forbidden to him, it shows that he is neck-deep in his lust for false charm. He should be striving for gratification in clinging to Hashem! One who derives vitality from holiness could care less about impressing women or any other human; he only wants to find favor in Hashem's eyes.
 
Rebbe Nachman describes the connection between arrogance and sexual lust (see Likutei Moharan I:130): The greater a person is, the greater his evil inclination (see tractate Succa, 52). Whereas a humble person is spared from adultery, an arrogant person ends up committing adultery with a married woman. Many of our holy books link arrogance with adultery. Rabbi Pinchas of Koritz warns that the more a person is arrogant, the more he is susceptible to sexual lust, to the extent that he'll commit outright adultery with a married woman. One must therefore never be complacent. As long as one lusts for women, it's a clear sign that he still has a problem with arrogance.
 
In addition to praying for personal holiness and ridding oneself of lust, a person should pray that Hashem help him eradicate the terrible evil inclination of arrogance that manifests itself in a man's desire to impress women. He fantasizes that women desire him and he therefore tries to attract them and look good for them, to the extent that women dominate his thoughts. A person like this loses both worlds, this one and the world to come.
 
The true tzaddikim of this generation have warned that many of our contemporary difficulties and harsh decrees from Above are the result of blatant informality between married people of the opposite sex, when men and women call each other by their first names and freely converse in the bank, supermarket or in the workplace. We have all heard horror stories about the tragic outcome of married women speaking in a more-than-open manner to cab drivers or store owners or male salesmen. No G-d fearing or self-respecting woman should allow a male shoe-salesman to put shoes on her feet. Every man must pray that he shouldn't become an obstacle to holiness in any way.
 
The more we think about it, the more 30 minutes daily of personal prayer for guarding our eyes and for attaining personal holiness is so critically necessary. We must appeal to Hashem's mercy in asking for help in closing our eyes ad in avoiding the many pitfalls that threaten to ensnare us daily. A person must literally shout to the heavens and beg Hashem to guard us from allowing forbidden images to enter our brain and to help us erase those forbidden images that already contaminate our brain and usurp so much of our memory capacity.