Loving Friends By Rabbi Shalom Arush

Translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody


The Gemara teaches us that divorce is like a miniature destruction of the Holy Temple. That being so, strengtheningshalom bayit - marital bliss - is tantamount to rebuilding the Holy Temple.
 
Imagine any blessing in the world - money, success, good health, good children; with marital peace, what we call in Hebrew shalom bayit, you get all the best blessings in one package deal. 
 
When we talk about the blessing of marital peace and the true love between a man and his wife, we certainly won't be talking about the type of couples that argue all day long - may Hashem have mercy on them. The ones that argue all day long aren't making an effort to improve their marital peace, so today's lesson won't help them. They have to decide to stop blaming each other and to first begin working on themselves. Also, we won't be talking about the type of couple whose marriage is like a set of parallel lines. Sure, they don't fight because they never talk to each other; one's on the computer and the other one's watching TV. They're like a couple that speaks two different languages. They don't communicate at all. They may not be at war, but they don't have a marriage at all. In order to have marital peace, you first must decide that you're going to live a married life with each other.
 
Few people in this generation have true shalom bayit. You can probably count them on one hand. True marital peace means that the husband and wife are deeply in love with one another. They can't imagine being without each other, just as they couldn't imagine living a life without an arm or a leg, Heaven forbid, because they really feel like one. To tear them apart would be like trying to tear away a limb from a person, G-d forbid. They're dedication to one another knows no boundaries. Even more, they cherish each other and respect each other, speaking to each other like a queen speaks to king and vice versa. In their worst nightmare, they wouldn't dream of hurting each other.
 
Not only that, but they're best friends. They confide in one another and simply enjoy each other's company. They're together. They're truly connected. They know what makes each other happy and they're always thinking of new ways of how to bring joy into each other's lives. This all is true marital peace - true love between a man and his wife.
 
What many people call marital peace is none other than a ceasefire or non-belligerence armistice. But shalom bayit is neither the Oslo Agreement or the nuclear non-proliferation treaty. It's all the love, dedication, understanding, mutual respect and attention that constitutes a dream friendship. If you don't have this kind of shalom bayit, then you should be praying for it every single day. And, if you're not yet married, you should be praying for a partner with whom you'll be blessed to establish such a relationship.
 
Shalom bayit doesn't mean "getting along". It also doesn't mean being able to stomach one another. That's simply a "peace treaty" but not marital peace. The word "married" in Hebrew means literally "carried", when I carry my wife in my heart and mind wherever I go. So, marital peace is a lot more than non-belligerence. Both husband and wife have to work hard for such marital peace. There are three conditions that have to be met in order to attain such shalom bayit:
 
First, you have to believe that you're capable of building the perfect marriage. This is a spiritual job. King David said in Psalm 127, "If Hashem won't build a home, then the builders are working for nothing." Most people interpret this passage as talking about the Holy Temple, but a marriage is a miniature Holy Temple. Marriage is a spiritual building; in order for it to be built properly, husband and wife must be totally committed to Hashem, otherwise they won't have the type of long-lasting true love that we described.
 
Second, you have to pray for such a marriage. Shalom bayit is something that should be included in our personal prayer, every single day.
 
Third, you must be prepared to work hard to develop such a level of marital bliss. With Hashem's guidance, that's what we'll talk about now.
 
In the "Sheva Berachot", the seven nuptial blessings, we say:Sameach TeSamach Re'im Ahuvim, KeSamechacha Yetzircha BeGan Eden MiKedem. Baruch Ata HaShem, MeSame'ach Chatan VeKalah
 
"Let the loving couple be very happy, just as You made Your creation happy in the garden of Eden, so long ago. You are blessed, Hashem, who makes the bridegroom and the bride happy."
 
In the blessing, we have the secret of perfect Shalom bayit. The literal translation of Re'im Ahuvim, the "loving couple," is actually "loving friends". Our sages who codified our liturgy are teaching us that being best friends is the prerequisite to being lovers. Imagine the deepest friendship, where you'll gladly give your lives for one another. Imagine mutual commitment and loyalty at all costs. That's the friendship that leads to true love. Anything less is not the real deal.

The Love Paradox By: Racheli Reckles

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/the_love_paradox.aspx?id=24608&language=english
Love is not, “What can this person do for me.” It’s: “What can I do for others?”
 
I was reminiscing about my lovable, spoiled-rotten dog, Barkley. He passed away almost two years ago. He was my little love, my Pachoochie. I had a bad habit of talking to him from wherever I was, as I was convinced he could hear me telepathically. It was really something. One time I was talking to him and telling him how cute he was, and on and on, then I realized someone was walking behind me, listening in on my one-woman conversation. The nerve of him!
 
Anyways, what made me love my dog so - aside from the fact that he was cute and cuddly? I was almost blinded by the flash from that pesky lightbulb that went off in my head when I got my answer. I realized that I loved him so much because I was always doing for him! I never expected anything in return, except unlimited cuddle time on demand. Was that really so much to ask, anyways?
 
I realized the same concept applies to parents and children. As parents, we are constantly doing for our kids, from morning until night, and way after. Of course we don’t expect any reciprocation, except an occasional “Thank you”, though many times even this is just too much to ask of them.
 
And what about relationships? Let’s look at friendships - what are your criteria for a good friend? Most of us would say that a good friend is someone who is always there for you, who is loyal, who will help you out whenever you need them. Of course, your closest friends expect the same of you. So we have a constant cycle of sharing between friends, and this makes the friendship grow and deepen.
 
Now let’s look at relationships; mainly, that of a husband and wife. Most of us have experienced this phenomenon: at the beginning of the courtship, there was nothing we wouldn’t do for our beloved. We would float over to Walgreen’s for an emergency teddy bear and “get well” card when our sweetheart was sick. We would rush out of the house for a late-night sushi craving that just wouldn’t go away. Men, have you ever spent hours and hours feigning interest in the 80 different black dresses that all looked the same during your love’s shopping excursions?
 
Fast-forward a few years into the marriage. I don’t know about you, but I’m certainly not floating anywhere these days! Sometimes even a small effort is a pain - like when my husband asked if I could boil a little more pasta for him. Seriously?! I rolled my eyes and gave an exaggerated huff and puff, as I made some kind of comment under my breath about never getting a break. 
 
What did he expect, the pasta fairy? Should I have pulled my wings out from under my jacket and magically floated over to make another pot as fairy dust escaped from some unbeknownst place? Oh, right - I almost forgot the, “Anything for you, my darling!” 
 
YUCK. 
 
So what happened? What is the fundamental difference between most married couples vs. most dating couples? In the beginning of a relationship, most people are on their best behavior, so they do their best to go above and beyond the norm. When the relationship starts to get more comfortable, the couple starts to relax and lets the extra effort slide- a lot. Hence, the lull hits (along with some weight gain).
 
In scientific circles it’s called “The Love Paradox”. More effort = more love.
 
What’s the secret to getting back on the love train? Focus on doing for each other! Don’t wait to get your needs met so you can then meet your partner’s needs. You’ll end up in a perpetual stalemate. Someone has to make the first move, so why shouldn’t it be you? You’re already ahead of the game- you’re doing your best to incorporate emuna and spiritual awareness into your life.
 
Let’s take this concept a step further. How many of us can say that we really love G-d? Most of us don’t even know what this means, let alone believe that such a thing is possible and practical. What does it mean to love G-d? It means that we do for Him, just like we’d do for our loved ones. We make the extra effort and go beyond our comfort zone just to develop our relationship with Him. We don’t always know why we need to do certain things, especially if they go against our logic.
 
However, we trust that what G-d wants for us is what’s best for us. Take a mental poll of people you know- how many of them try to follow Torah to some extent? I would be confident to say that you could see a trend like this: the more resistant someone is to living a Torah lifestyle, the more fault they find with G-d and the way He runs the world. This means that they don’t have a relationship with G-d, and they might not even want one.
 
What about the people who really do their best to follow the Torah’s guidelines? I would imagine that many of them would say that they do love G-d and have a growing, flourishing relationship with Him.
 
The point is, that in order to develop a love for something or Someone else, it is up to us to put forth the effort. Love doesn’t just happen- it takes lots of time and effort to grow. If it’s love you want, then stop sitting around and go for it! Like Nike says- just do it!

The 'We' Relationship by Rabbi Dovid Gottlieb

The 'We' Relationship

One out of every two marriages in North America ends in divorce. Of those that survive, some should not: The relationships have deteriorated to the point that dissolution is the only way to relieve the misery. Thus, the majority of North American marriages are failures. The explanation for this enormous human suffering is not easy to see, especially since the statistics for the best educated, most sophisticated and least inhibited segment of the population are just as bad.

BIBLICAL MARRIAGES

When the patriarch Isaac met his future wife Rebecca he "...took her into the tent of his mother Sarah, married her, and loved her, and was comforted from (the loss of) his mother" (Genesis 24:67). From a Western perspective, the sequence of events is puzzling: Shouldn't love come before marriage? And why is the development of their relationship bracketed by Isaac's concern for his mother?

Our Sages tell us that during Sarah's lifetime, her tent -- which was Isaac's home -- experienced open manifestations of God's presence (Bereishis Rabbah). With her death, these signs disappeared. Isaac's criterion for a spouse was the ability to recreate the Divine environment he experienced in his mother's home. It was her proof of this ability that determined Isaac's decision to marry Rebecca. Love for her was the outcome of the marriage commitment based on that foundation. Note that the love which grew between them is not unimportant: The fact that the Torah mentions it shows that love is one of the goals of marriage.[l]

Love is a consequence of marriage based upon a common vision and goal of life, and the perception that the partners are suited to achieving that goal together.

However, far from being the prerequisite for marriage, love is a consequence of marriage based upon a common vision and goal of life, and the perception that the partners are suited to achieving that goal together. Only when Isaac found a partner for such a marriage and experienced the resulting love -- only when the divine environment was recreated -- could Isaac be comforted for the loss of his mother. (Of course, some emotional bond must be created during the testing period before a commitment is made to marry. This is included in the "perception that the partners are suited to one another." How to characterize the required bond exactly requires investigation.)

The following generation gives what appears at first glance to be a contrasting paradigm for love and marriage. Jacob meets Rachel at the well and immediately kisses her. Within 30 days he loves her so completely that he is prepared to work seven years for the right to marry her. Here Jacob's love explicitly precedes marriage, and in fact develops so rapidly that it appears to be almost "love at first sight" -- the very antithesis of his parents' example. But this appearance is immediately dispelled by a closer look at the verses and the supplementary comments of our Sages.

(a) When he meets Rachel at the well, Jacob first waters the sheep, then kisses her, and then weeps. This behavior is not typical of infatuation!

(b) The offer to work for her for such a long period, and the choice of seven years in particular, needs to be explained.

(c) The Torah's description of the passage of the seven years "...as but a few days in his eyes due to his love of her" like a beautifully romantic sentiment -- until we reflect that while waiting for a longed-for event, time passes slowly, not quickly.[2] His love for her should have made the seven years feel like a hundred!

(d) When the time is finally up, Jacob requests the promised marriage with the words: 'Give me my wife that I may go in unto her." Such a statement seems gross in the extreme.[3] How can we imagine Jacob making it?

A COMMON GOAL OF PEOPLEHOOD

The key to the whole story lies in the answer to the last question. Our Sages explain that Jacob saw his marriage to Rachel as the instrument for bringing the Jewish people into existence. Since the Jewish people is the goal and the justification of the whole of creation, and the Creator made marital relations the only means of procreation, those marital relations achieve the pinnacle of holiness. As Adam and Eve before him, Jacob saw no embarrassment in that process when dedicated to such a goal.[4] His statement "...that I may go in unto her..." expressed the height of sanctity which he achieved.

Understanding that the creation of the Jewish people was Jacob's goal in marrying Rachel, we can answer questions (a)-(c) as well. He used the seven years as a period of preparation for such an awesome task.[5] The choice of the time period is not arbitrary: seven units of time connote a complete time-cycle, and a period of purification.[6]

When one is preparing for a challenge which will test all one's abilities, whose outcome is of enormous importance, and which requires the meticulous strengthening and training of all one's talents and abilities, how does the time pass during the preparation period? Quickly![7] His love for her was predicated on such a challenge, therefore, the seven years "...were as but a few days in his eyes."

Finally, we must remember that when Jacob first saw Rachel he was already a prophet. A prophet by definition sees what the rest of us do not: Jacob saw in Rachel the mother of the Jewish people. His love for her and all his subsequent actions were consequences of this vision. Thus we see that Jacob and Rachel, instead of contrasting with Isaac and Rebecca, in fact exemplify the same principle: Love and marriage are consequences of a common vision and a goal of life and the perception that the partners are suited to achieving that goal together. This principle is one of the two pillars upon which Jewish marriage rests.

THE INTEGRATION OF TWO INTO ONE

The second pillar of Jewish marriages is found in the Talmudic dictum that Adam was (or was originally destined to be) androgynous, i.e., a being combining male and female characteristics in all human dimensions -- physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual.[8] What are we to learn from this piece of historical information? We are to learn that marriage is the context in which a man and a woman attempt to recreate or approximate the perfect male-female union represented by Adam. Let us examine this lesson in detail.

Human relationships differ in the quality of integration they achieve. On the lowest level is the pure business relationship: each partner enters the relationship solely for the personal gain he can achieve thereby.[9] Personal integration with the partner is nil. We may label this relationship "I plus I": Each partner is to himself a completely self-interested "I," but he recognizes that the cooperation with another "I" can profit him more than can his individual efforts.

On a higher level is the "We" relationship, in which individuals identify with the needs and goals of a group, and experience events in terms of their significance for the group. "We" replaces "I" in the thinking of the members of such a group, at least during group activities. Anyone who has played on a well-knit sports team, performed with a music ensemble, or engaged in a similar activity has been part of a "We" relationship. A score by the opposing team is our loss; my successful play is our success; the notes I produce is a contribution to our sound; that is how the activity is experienced. In this context a new entity is formed; namely, the group. Individuals relating with one another in the "We" mode become members of this new entity and are integrated (partially) into it. Their individuality becomes subordinate to the group's needs and goals.

The husband and wife who achieve the "I" relationship do not form a two-membered group, but rather a new organically integrated whole.

Although it is a significant improvement on the "I plus I" relationship, the "We" relationship does not embody complete integration. The group is an association of individuals each of whom retains his own identity. He merely plays the role of group member at certain times, and at these times accepts the group's goals as his own. This relationship does not affect his essence. Such a total integration, which transforms the essence of the individual to the extent that he is no longer truly an individual, is the highest form of human relationship. The new entity formed by this relationship is not a group, but rather an organic whole, of which the erstwhile individuals become parts (rather than members, as in a group).

This relationship may be labeled "I," for two reasons. The singular pronoun indicates that the new entity does not have the multiplicity of a group, but rather is a single entity; and the use of "I" indicates that the new entity is a totally integrated individual, which supplants the individuality of those who stand in the relationship.

The husband and wife who achieve the "I" relationship do not form a two-membered group, but rather a new organically integrated whole. Compare, for example, the human body. It can be divided into head, trunk, arms and legs. Nevertheless, we do not say that each person is a group of six! The reason is that the head, trunk, etc. are parts of one whole, rather than individuals merely associating with one another. What makes the difference? Integrating functioning: Each of the parts is totally dependent upon its connection to the rest of the body for its life and ability to function. Similarly, the "I" relationship produces integrated functioning for the individuals who stand in that relationship.

UNIQUE, AND THEREFORE INTEGRATED

It must be emphasized that this integration does not compromise the uniqueness of those who achieve it. That x and y function together as a unit does not imply that x=y. On the contrary integrated functioning usually presupposes crucial differences which are so related that the whole may vastly transcend its parts Some examples: a violin and a piano playing together; forwards and guards in basketball; a surgeon and an anesthesiologist in the operating theater; Sanhedrin, King and prophet for the leadership of the Jewish nation. The uniqueness of the individuals forming the 'I" is the very foundation of the integration: It is because they are unique in precisely these ways that they can coordinate their functioning so as to form this integrated whole.

How is the "I" relationship expressed in the context of marriage? It is as if when Isaac says "I" and Rebecca says "I," instead of each referring to his/her own self, they both refer to the same new amalgam of which each is a part. If you write "I" on one occasion and speak "I" on another, we do not understand the written "I" as referring to your arm and the spoken "I" as referring to your lungs, larynx, mouth, etc. Although produced by different parts of your body, each refers to the whole. This is because "I" refers to the smallest whole encompassing the part which produces it. In the case of Isaac and Rebecca, neither of them individually is a whole any longer; thus the "I" produced by either refers to the whole of which each is a part.

The "I"-relationship marriage is experienced differently from other human relationships. Imagine that Leah is a social worker having difficulty convincing a client to get psychiatric help. Her husband Reuven encourages her and gives her advice, and the following day she succeeds. If Leah and Reuven are related as the "I plus I," the success is hers; he is at best an enabler, expecting her help in his projects as quid pro quo for his support of her. If they share a "We" relationship, the success is theirs, but it accrues to the pair (the two-membered group) through her action which she performs as an individual. If they form an "I," the very action itself is related to Reuven as well: The success was accomplished by a part of the very same whole of which he is a part.[10]

A second example: A husband and wife are together when one receives a gross insult from a third party. The spouse protests: "Your words affect me as well -- I take that insult personally." He responds "Don't talk nonsense: I didn't insult your person, I insulted your spouse's person." Is the protest nonsense? Not in the context of the "I" relationship. Just as any insult to my face is an insult to me as a whole, so an insult to my spouse is an insult to the whole of which I am a part.

Man and woman are created as incomplete parts of a larger organic whole which comprises both of them.

This, then, is the lesson of androgynous Adam: Man and woman are created as incomplete parts of a larger organic whole which comprises both of them. Their complementary gifts and needs enable them to integrate with each other on the pattern of that original whole. It is this which gives them the capacity to transcend the "I plus I" and "We" levels of human relationship, and at least approximate the integration of the single "I" of which Adam is the paradigm. The goal and challenge of marriage is to recreate Adam's wholeness to the extent possible for physically separate beings.

Love -- a deep and abiding attachment to and identification with one's spouse, coupled with the joy of that attachment -- is the result of forming the "I" relationship. Without this, there may be a temporary thrill, an infatuation, a mutually beneficial satisfaction of one another's needs (characteristic of even "I plus I" relationships), but not love. The "I" relationship, at once the challenge and the fulfillment of highest human integration, is the second pillar on which Jewish marriage rests.

PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS

The "I" relationship will not create itself. It must be actively pursued with intelligence and dedication. No matter how well-suited husband and wife are to one another when they marry, life's experiences work to drive them apart. No man has even a vague inkling of what it is to carry, birth and suckle a child. The loss of a parent cannot be fully experienced by the mourner's spouse.

Unless there is a commitment to rebuild lines of communication and modes of sharing, husband and wife will inevitably drift into private worlds, becoming less and less relevant to one another. Love cannot be strengthened, or even sustained under such conditions. This means that time, effort and resources must be dedicated to constantly renewing the relationship.

In my opinion, the failure to take responsibility for creating the "I" in marriage is the single most common factor in divorce. Western culture has evolved a passive attitude towards love and marriage: "Let's see if it works. If it does, fine; if not, why spend life chained to unhappiness?" "If it works" -- not "If I will work" -- and certainly not "It will work: I will make it work!"

How does one relate to other difficult and important life tasks -- a school exam, a musical performance, an athletic competition, a medical problem? One undertakes to practice, study, train, prepare and strive to achieve (with God's help) the desired result. This is the attitude one should have in marriage. A successful marriage is the personal achievement of the husband and wife who worked to create it. A failed marriage is often their personal failure.

Adopting this attitude of responsibility towards building the "I" with one's spouse provides a new understanding of typical marital occurrences. For example, it often happens that the wife (or husband) starts to tell the husband (or wife) an experience or feeling of hers which is immensely boring to him. What should he do?

There are two common schools of thought. (1) Marriage is based on kindness: He should listen anyway as a favor to the wife. (2) Marriage is based on honesty: He should tell her frankly that the subject is boring to him and expect her to respect his feelings.

From the vantage point of building the "I," both approaches miss the crucial point: He should not be listening to the story, but to her. The story is boring; if he saw it in a newspaper or heard it from an acquaintance, he might immediately put down the paper or change the subject. But this communication from his wife indicates her present state of mind, her present feelings. He wants to know where she is so that he and she can continue to build their whole together.

A second example, consider the adage: It is easier to give than to receive. Why is this so? Because receiving often implies weakness, insufficiency, dependency and failure on the recipient's part, while giving implies strength, surplus, independence, success, and also magnanimity. The ego-impact of giving is positive, of receiving, negative. If so, one of the greatest gifts is to provide another with the opportunity to give.[11] Often one spouse will not share problems with the other "in order not to burden her/him with my problems." The effect is to deny the other a chance to help and thereby confirm her/his own self-worth. (And the cause is often an attempt to save one's own self-image.)

After a disagreement we are willing to forgive, but are we willing to ask for forgiveness? Forgiving, as a form of giving, is easy: It implies that we were right and the other party was guilty! Asking for forgiveness allows the other to be charitable in excusing our fault.

It is hoped that these brief examples will indicate how the goal of creating the "I" provides a new perspective on marital experiences. Consistent application of this perspective yields a new integrative approach which helps cement the marital bond even as life's vicissitudes assail that bond.

We need to strengthen ourselves against the tide of marital misery which surrounds us and threatens to undermine our marriages as well. Classes, books, counseling (before and after marriage) and group discussions are needed to help us construct our marriages in the image of the Talmudic vision of Adam, and thus fulfill the destiny for which we were created.[12]

FOOTNOTES:

1. This gives the lie to the Fiddler on the Roof slander of Jewish marriage as a love-less relationship. 

2. See, for example, the discussion of Sefiras HaOmer while waiting for Mattan Torah in Sefer HaChinuch.
3. Cf. Yalkut Shimoni.
4. Cf. Iggeres HaKodesh of the Ramban.
5. This task is what distinguishes Jacob from Abraham and Isaac, and makes him "bechir she'b'avos": They each had non-Jewish children and thus were only ancestors of the Jewish people. Jacob and his family were the Jewish people in microcosm.
6. The week, shemittah, yovel, Pesach, Shavuos and sefiras ha'omer illustrate time periods composed of seven units of time. Tumas mes, yoledes, zav and zavah illustrate seven units of time as a purification process. The Zohar HaKadosh says explicitly that Jacob used the seven years to prepare himself for the union with Rachel.
7. Think of preparing for an exam, a performance, etc.
8. Eruvin 11a.
9. Of course, many business relationships become more than purely business.
10. When my hand imprints my name on a check, it is I, the whole person, who signs the check; the action accrues the whole even though only a part is in motion
11. See Michtav MeEliyahu, v. 1, Kuntres HaChessed, chap. 12 where Rabbi Dessler distinguishes between notail and mekabel, the taker and the giver. Much of the description of the "I" is derived from Kuntres HaChessed
12. I am deeply indebted to my wife, who introduced me to many of the ideas expressed in this article.

Reprinted with permission from "OF HOME AND HEART," published by Artscroll Publications.

Marriage and Love Emuna Braverman

Marriage and Love

Marriage is not a business partnership. I know, I know, you’ve heard this idea before. It doesn’t apply to you because you and your husband are different. You discuss parenting techniques, you agree on money matters, you even have a regularly scheduled date night. You certainly aren’t one of those couples who fall into the trap of treating marriage like a business relationship.

Or are you? There are ways of doing this that are less obvious and more insidious than the standard expected way. I’m thinking of your pattern of giving and taking.

Are you giving to your spouse because you love him (or her) and want to give him pleasure? Or do you have an agenda? Is there something you want or expect in return? Is there a quid pro quo in your relationship? Are you keeping a list?

If you answered the first question in the affirmative, then you can stop reading now. But if your answer is ‘no’ or ‘sometimes’ to the first query and ‘yes’ or ‘sometimes’ to any of the remaining ones, then we have something to discuss.

A relationship where we give in order to get, where we give with expectations or with strings attached, may not always be a business one but it has been shaped by the mindset and attitudes of the business world. And it is certainly not a marriage in its most ideal form. It won’t lead to a deep and lasting relationship.

You can’t keep score in marriage.

In marriage, you can’t keep score. “It was up five times last night.” “I went to the dry cleaner’s three times last month.” “I made dinner every night last week.” This type of negotiation is reminiscent of a brokered mediation not a loving caring relationship.

When the Talmud tells us that “If you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen,” it is not describing a reciprocal contract, but the natural consequences of behaving in a giving and respectful way.

Not only do we need to give to our partner without expectations or conditions, we need to do it with warmth and enthusiasm. We need to do it exuberantly and whole-heartedly. We need to do it with love.

There is a common perception that love isn’t enough to help a couple weather life’s challenges. It’s certainly true if we’re speaking of romantic love, infatuation, stars and bells.

But real, deep, abiding love, the kind that is based on commitment, where the lover cares more about his spouse’s welfare than his own, that is a love that will last. It’s so much harder than most business partnerships. You can’t leave the work at the office; it’s a 24/7 proposition. It’s non-stop giving and caring and trying to do what’s best for someone else, putting them first.

The Talmud also teaches us that “a man doesn’t die except to his wife.” That’s the most significant relationship in anyone’s life. Everyone else moves on; the deepest and most profound loss is that of a spouse, a life partner, the one who shares your hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations.

This reflects how it should be in life. We don’t want to wait for a tragedy, God forbid, to recognize this. We want to work on our marriages now and treat our husbands and wives with the caring they deserve. We want to appreciate them and the relationship now, not only after loss (I just came from the funeral of a 44 year-old mother, so this feels particularly timely).

The Talmud is teaching us about the importance of marriage and the uniqueness of the marriage relationship. It remains silent about the death of a business partner.

Kosher Sex (Info rated G) Jewishfaq

Touchy subject, but if you have never learn what Judaism says about sex it can really benefit you.
http://www.jewfaq.org/sex.htm

Alternative to Nagging by Emuna Braverman

Alternative to Nagging

If you’re like me, you have a long list of things that need to get taken care of around the house (it usually starts with “Clean the garage”). If you’re like me, then you probably also have a second list with the more urgent tasks on it – the burnt-out light bulb that makes it impossible for your daughter to read at night, the drawer in the kitchen that always sticks which finally fell apart when you yanked it out in frustration, the few items you need from the grocery store to make that new chicken recipe you just read about.

And like me, you’re probably hoping/expecting that your husband will attend to many of these tasks.

And, if you’re like me, you’re probably going to go about it all wrong. My favorite (and least effective) strategy is to verbally assault my husband as soon as he walks in the door. “You’ve been promising to clean the garage for months and you still haven’t done it. Why do you only have time to do the things you want to do and not the things I want?!”

This disastrous technique is frequently followed by the equally ineffective and ill-advised silent treatment. Now I am left with a messy garage and an unhappy husband.

The better and wiser approach would be not to frame the issues as an attack or even as a demand but rather as a need.

“Even when I stand on a ladder, I can’t reach to change that light bulb. I would be grateful if you would do it for me.”

“I’m making your favorite chicken for dinner tomorrow night. It would be really helpful to me if you could stop at the store on your way home.”

“I like the way you organized the garage for me last time (don’t mention that it was 10 years ago!). It would take a huge burden off my plate if you could do it again.”

All of these requests have many advantages – for us and our husbands.

We can be proud of our behavior and our character. We are not shrieking. We are not reacting out of frustration. We are calm, polite, even loving.

We are not criticizing our spouse (never a great motivation for change) and they will therefore feel no need to be defensive or to attack in response.

And we are not expressing our request in terms of their lack but rather in terns of our need. Our husbands want to be needed. They want to give to us. They want to be helpful. But they also want to be appreciated for it.

We all get frustrated. There are so many things we want done. And we want them done yesterday. But none of them are worth harming our relationship over. All of these household chores pale in comparison to our marriage itself.

Learning patience, learning softer, gentler ways of speaking and asking will enhance all of our relationships. But most of all, we will be building up our husbands instead of knocking them down. We can tolerate that messy garage for a little longer…

5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship, man in a relationship, successful relationship

5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship, man in a relationship, successful relationship

Click here to buy Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man

Ben is sensitive and tries hard to please Miriam, but when there's a problem that needs to be dealt with, he seems oblivious. When she asks for input on a decision, he says, "It's up to you." He wants to be nice but he doesn't realize he's frustrating her.

I understand why Ben is unsure of his role. Like a lot of men these days, I received so many messages on what a man in a relationship should be, I was bewildered. Every few years, the media tells us new ideas about what a man should be. For a while there was "sensitive new age guy." Then there was "metrosexual" and advice that men need to develop their feminine side.

I've heard married men advise younger men that the key to a happy marriage is: "Yes, dear." I've received emails filled with jokes that ridicule men -- like what's the difference between a man and fine wine? Wine matures.

On television, we've gone from Father Knows Best, where the father was a wise caring man who could do no wrong, to Homer Simpson, a buffoon who can do nothing right. Does Homer actually influence what people think a man should be? In a recent survey in Canada by the research firm Ipsos-Reid, more than 25 percent of fathers aged 18 to 34 identify with Homer Simpson when they're talking to their kids about a difficult subject, and almost 20 percent of adult children in the same age range associate their own father with Homer.

With so many confusing ideas, I started looking for wisdom on what a man should be in a relationship. I read books on marriage. They didn't say anything to me. I read Jewish books on marriage. They had a lot of wisdom, but I was looking for more advice on what a man should be.

Then I went to the original Jewish sources. I started with Adam -- the first man in the world who was in a relationship. Adam was alone. He wanted a wife. He asked God for a wife and God created Eve to be an "ezer k'negdo" -- a helper opposing him or a helper against him (Genesis, 2:18).

A helper against him? What in the world does that mean? I looked in the commentary at the bottom of the page which quoted the Talmud, "If the man is worthy, the woman will be his helper; if he is not worthy, she will be against him."

If a man works on himself and develops himself to be worthy, the woman will be his partner. If he doesn't, she will be against him.

This one sentence changed the way I looked at relationships. The message: It's up to the man to make it work. It's his responsibility. Stop blaming others. If a man works on himself and develops himself to be worthy, the woman will be his partner. If he doesn't, she will be against him.

What happens next in the world's first relationship? Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden. They have one commandment: Don't eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.

Eve eats it and then she gives it to Adam. He eats it. Then Adam hides in the bushes and God asks him: Adam did you eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge that I commanded you not to eat?

What did Adam do? Did he take responsibility for what happened?

No. He says to God, "The woman you sent me gave it to me and I ate it."

I couldn't believe it. He gave in to something he knew was wrong and then he blamed his wife. I thought only men today did that.

Does blaming his wife help Adam avoid responsibility? God doesn't say, "Adam, I understand -- she pushed you into it. You're not responsible for what happened." Just the opposite. He punishes Adam for eating the fruit, and for not using his own judgment. I think it's significant that one of the first lessons in the first chapter of Genesis is about what a man should be in a relationship.

My search led me to discover a lot of timeless wisdom that for generations fathers taught their sons -- wisdom that is so relevant today. Today's absent father, either from long hours of work or divorce, means many boys grow up without a strong male role model.

Here are five of the lessons I learned on my journey for wisdom on what a man in a relationship should be:

Lesson #1: Take responsibility

Learn from Adam. Don't do things you know are wrong and then blame others. If you make a mistake, take responsibility for your actions. One of the meanings of the word "husband" is someone who skillfully manages his household. A manager takes responsibility. As Adam experienced, there is little sympathy for a man who blames a woman for something that has gone wrong. He's often still held responsible. People will ask him, "Why did you let it go on?" A man has to look at himself and see how he can change his own actions to properly handle similar situations.

Lesson #2: Show leadership

If a man wants to be seen as worthy and have a good relationship with a woman, he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it. People admire those who step forward to handle difficult situations. We don't admire those who stand back and wait for others to solve the problem.

Some men avoid taking the lead because they don't want to be criticized. They think they're playing it safe. A man should say, "I'll handle it," and take the initiative to find solutions. If he's not sure what the solution is, do what other leaders do -- consult the many sources of information available.

Lesson #3: Make decisions

One of the meanings of the word "manly" is being decisive. A man needs to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. If he's reluctant to make decisions, she may resent him. Part of making decisions is understanding the other person's views and being flexible. She doesn't want someone controlling her, but she also doesn't want someone who leaves every decision to her. A man who is afraid of making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions? -- someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes.

Lesson #4: Be strong

The Talmud asks: Who is strong? He who can control his passions (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1). Someone who can control his anger is better than a physically strong man who can conquer a city. Blowing up in anger can seriously damage a relationship. If a man thinks he can't control his anger, he should imagine being angry at someone, the telephone rings and it's his boss. Would he calm down? Of course, or he'd lose his job. Not getting angry doesn't mean he accepts bad treatment; he calmly sets limits on the treatment he accepts from others.

Lesson #5: Be manly

Being manly is not being macho. Manliness is the positive qualities of decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. A man who is manly has courage to be able to deal with difficulty, pain or danger without backing away despite his fear.

To women: ask your husband to read this. To men: If after years of watching Homer Simpson, you haven't heard these ideas before, ask your wife if this is what she wants. You may be surprised at her response.

Click here to buy Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man

If Only Syndrome by Emuna Braverman

If Only Syndrome

Who is happy? One who is satisfied with his lot (Ethics of Our Fathers, 4:1). Many people think that this refers to happiness with our material lot in life – with our wealth or lack thereof. But it’s much broader.

Being happy with your lot encompasses your whole situation in life – your talents (or lack thereof!), your strengths, your weaknesses, your physical appearance, your job, your family circumstances…it means not living with a constant sense of “If only…”

This is not so easy to do. We are all plagued by “if only”-ism. “If only I had a bigger house (or at least a bathroom off the master bedroom!),” “If only I had that diamond bracelet (my husband knows which one I mean),” “If only I had one more pair of black heels,” “If only I had a better boss (I’m of course not speaking personally!),” “If only all my children were married,” “If only my _______ had a better paying job,” “If only I didn’t have to work so hard,” “If only I didn’t have so many challenges,” “If only the school had a better remedial program,” “If only the school had a better gifted program…”

“If only, if only, if only.” It’s a natural and yet destructive way to live. It’s a guarantee of unhappiness.

I recently read an ultimate case of “If only” in the NY Times entitled “That Nose, That Chin, Those Lips.” The author, Abby Ellin, went on to describe cases where people seek plastic surgery so that they can look like a particular movie star.

The piece featured a Texas woman who, after much research, decided that she wanted to look like Kate Winslet. A Dallas plastic surgeon was happy to oblige. She “shaved cartilage from her nose, injected the dermal filler Sculptra to plump out her cheeks and squirted a little Botox into her forehead and around her eyes…”

Once you address one need, your dissatisfaction just moves to something else.

Is the patient, Ms. Davenport, happier now? The article doesn’t elaborate. But I can’t imagine she is. Because she is not someone who was happy with her lot. The problem with “if only” disorder is that once you address one need, your dissatisfaction just moves to something else.

Because it’s an attitude, a way of being, a bad habit. And the solution is not to “scratch the itch;” it’s to eliminate it altogether.

Inherent in the idea of being happy with your portion is the Torah philosophy that the Almighty has given us everything we need – to develop our potential, to live our life to the fullest, and to achieve the deepest closeness to God.

If we think there are other prerequisites to this experience, we are mistaken. We have everything we need to accomplish life’s ultimate goal.

I’m not saying it’s easy. But there are only two choices – live a life of constant dissatisfaction and unremitting “if onlys,” or live a life of peace and happiness. It's a greater effort but the payoff is eternal.

3 Things I Wish I Knew when I was Dating by Aleeza Ben Shalom

3 Things I Wish I Knew when I was Dating

I learned the ropes of dating on the fly, and somehow I made it to the chuppah. I sure would have appreciated a heads-up on a few things. To make your dating process a little sweeter, here are three concepts that I wish I’d known when I was dating.

1. Like attracts like

My husband was given really great advice when he was dating: “Men and women are already different enough. Find someone you have something in common with.” After 11 years of marriage, I concur – men and women are different. And the more you have in common, the easier it will be to adapt to married life.

Yes opposites can attract, but they sometimes have a challenging time staying together. Don’t misunderstand me: there will be differences between you and your spouse. No matter how alike you are there will definitely be enough ways in which you are different. But different is not the same as opposite. Over time you will hopefully come to appreciate and value those differences. But don’t go looking for someone so different from yourself.

If you really want a super spouse, make sure you’re super too (inside and out). Like attracts like. Take a minute to look in the mirror. What positive traits and qualities do you see? In what ways are you great? Notice your greatness. Notice it not because you are egocentric, but rather because you are trying to identify your other half. By identifying the first half of the soul mate – yourself – you’ll be better equipped to search the world for your super spouse.

2. How to survive your best friend's wedding and marriage

While you’ve been searching for your soul mate, your best friend has too. What happens when your best friend finds love before you? A client of mine shared the following: “When my friends got married it was pretty traumatic. I had no idea how to deal with it. Especially when my best friend got engaged. Her story is what we’ve been dreaming of and praying for – I'm getting married, moving to another city, YAY!But my story is saying goodbye to my roommate of five years and looking for a new roommate, a new best friend, and a husband.”

The girl getting married is probably not all-consumed with how her marriage will affect her best friend. And chances are the friend being “left behind” isn’t thinking all that much about how marriage will affect her best friend’s life. Both sides are consumed with the change in their own lives.

You can weather the changes with a balanced approach – keep both self and other in mind. Acknowledge what you’re thinking and how you are feeling. Take care of yourself first. But after you’ve taken good care of yourself, it’s time to think of your friend. Getting married is one of life’s big stressors. (This isn’t meant to scare you, but rather to prepare you.) Stay in touch with your friend. S/he will need the most support after the party is over. When the fun is done and the hum drum of life begins, your friend will need your ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and friendship more than ever. And I know you’ll need your friend too!

3. It’s going to work out

If you believe that things are going to work out, handling your life moment to moment may not be as frustrating. You would be able to go through the dating process with greater ease and a stronger faith in God. You may even stop dreading the process because you know it will eventually end. It would be as if you watched the movie of your life, you know the outcome, but then you went back to the middle of your story to relive it moment by moment. You would experience this portion of your life with an inner peace and not be frustrated by the seemingly long and arduous journey.

If you could see the plans behind the scene, then your current experience of the world may be easier. You could even get to a point of feeling like this is “all for the best” (gam zu l’tova). At the end of this process, you will have your spouse! Even more than your spouse, you will have your best self! It’s who you are and who you become that matters. How did you act, and react in the moment? You will feel good or bad based on your actions. What will happen in life will happen. Acting your best self through it all will help you feel good about yourself, ease the process and make for the best possible outcome.

I’m sure there are dozens of things we could add to the “I wish I knew” list. What do you wish you would have known? What wisdom do you have to share? Please comment below and share your insights with us.

Choose Love Racheli Reckles

http://www.breslev.co.il/articles/family/dating_and_marriage/choose_love.aspx?id=25564&language=english

My husband recommended I watch a great shiur on love by Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik. My first reaction was, “Yeah, sure. With all the free time I have…” Well, miraculously, I did end up having a few minutes, and the talk was awesome. She pointed out several parameters on love and marriage according to Torah, and using these guidelines throughout your marriage are sure to greatly contribute to your growth and happiness as a couple. Here are some highlights:   She does this exercise with newly engaged couples - each writes what they think love is and what they think marriage is. Usually, they come up with two different answers for each.   First we must define marriage- the Torah definition of marriage is “one”. We are one soul before we’re born, and we’re split into two halves. We’re not split up and down, right down the middle. No- G-d splits us like two pieces of a puzzle, hence opposites attract. Why? You’re half a soul and you’re yearning for completion. When you find the right person, you’re finding the one with the things you’re missing.    Ironically, the same things that attract you in the beginning will annoy you later on. However, we need those qualities that our spouse has. Instead of resenting them, embrace them. Those are the qualities G-d sent to you to help you become a great person. We don’t grow through easy situations; we grow through difficult situations.   When we deal with our spouse’s challenging qualities, we grow in our patience, unconditional love, etc. Don’t make the mistake of not realizing that these challenging qualities are your road to greatness if you embrace them properly. For example - Rebbetzin Palatnik’s husband is a career genius, yet supremely absent-minded. He forgets his keys, doesn’t remember where he parked the car, etc. As a result, he tests his wife’s patience - she needs to use this situation to grow. After coming home from a long business trip, instead of getting mad at him, she wisely uses the time to catch up with her husband on the trip, the kids, etc.   She now offers us three definitions of love:   First definition - Love is the emotion you feel when you focus on the virtues of another person and you identify with those virtues. For example, ask any pregnant woman if she loves her baby. How does she know she loves him? What if she gets one of those bratty, snotty-nosed kids? No one falls out of love with their babies. It doesn’t matter how they come out. Why do we fall out of love with our spouses? We stopped choosing to love them. LOVE IS A CHOICE. We have to CHOOSE to keep loving them, even though we’re completely aware of their challenging qualities. We can choose to focus on our spouse’s good qualities, or their challenging qualities.   Second definition of love - what’s important to your spouse is important to you, too. Ex. Your idea of a great vacation is backpacking in Nepal. Your spouse’s idea of a great vacation is an air-conditioned tour in Miami. You try to make your spouse’s interests your interests, even though you have no interests in their interests!    Third definition of love - what leads to love: is it the more you love, the more you give? Or is it the more you give, the more you love? It is the latter: the more you invest time, effort, and self-sacrifice for a person, the more you will love them. We see this with children. For example: why did G-d make babies so helpless? So we’ll care for them and give them everything we have. And what do you get back for the first few months? Spit-up and stinky diapers. But it doesn’t matter, because the more you give, the more you love.   She offers the best piece of advice for a happy marriage from Rebbetzin Twersky: every morning when I wake up, think - what can I give to my spouse today? It doesn’t sound like much, but one extra act of giving each day adds up to thousands of acts of giving throughout the marriage. You create an atmosphere of giving in your home, and this tremendously enhances marital peace. Even the simple act of offering your spouse a cup of coffee when you’re making yourself one is enough to set this cycle into motion.   Three questions you have to answer “yes” to in order to know this is the right person for you. If you answer “no”, it doesn’t mean you leave the marriage; it just means you have a lot to work on together!   One - You first must know your life goals - who are you and where are you going? Do you have the same goals? How do you want to raise your children? What level of observance are you striving for? What spiritual and religious ideals do you have? Day-to-day goals are also important- what do we want to contribute together to others?    Two - are you physically attracted to each other? Attraction is supposed to get stronger during a marriage, not weaker. Men and women often look at this area differently. Generally, for a woman, attraction to the man is inside-out. For the man, it’s generally outside-in. In marriage, for a woman, how a man treats his wife outside the bedroom is directly related to how she treats him intimately. For a man, how his wife treats him intimately is directly related to how he treats her outside the bedroom. Do you see the problem with this? Someone has to make the first move. Many times a couple falls into a stalemate, and neither wants to be the first one to budge.   Here’s a simple example: She doesn’t mind doing dishes, but she doesn’t like putting dishes away. One morning, she went to the dishwasher to find that her husband had already emptied it- she was immediately overcome with love for her husband!    One major mistake married women make is that they dress up to go out, and dress down when they come home. We must realize that our husbands are seeing women who are dressed up all day long, and come home to a wife who’s dressed down. This slowly chips away at his desire for her. Of course, following the laws of family purity also greatly enhance a couple’s desire for each other.    Third question - do you respect your spouse? It is a very, very, very big deal for a man that his wife respects him; it doesn’t matter why. That’s the reality. How can you show respect for your husband? When he comes home, give him your full, undivided attention. What message does this send him? He’s more important than anything else.    What does a woman need in a marriage? A woman needs to be loved. A man’s job in the marriage is to make his wife happy. Now, ladies, men are not mind-readers. You have to tell him nicely what makes you happy. For example, tell him what you want for your birthday! Don’t expect him to automatically know.   If and when he makes mistakes, be smart- point them out in the nicest and best way possible. No attacking! This certainly will not add to your marital happiness.    You give and you give and you give to your spouse, in order that you go closer together. If you grow apart, it shows something went wrong. Therefore, choose wisely - choose love!